These Bonds Are Shackle Free
by evermine
Summary: "A mental eraser in my mind was rubbing at the distinct line I had drawn that separated Jacob as my best friend and Jacob as the possibility, the probability, the fact that we could be magic together" post cliff jump fast forward 4 yrs M adult content
1. We Never Fit

*****Edited & reposted*** **

**Authors Note**** - Ok so this is my first ever fan fiction. Although i loved Eclipse and it was my favorite of all the books i was disappointed in New Moon when she went to Italy and got back together with Edward so i'm writing it from after the cliff dive.**

**I've had quite a few chapters written for a long time but have just got the courage to put it up here - so be gentle LOL**

**I've read a LOT of other people's stories which have inspired me to put up my own. I'm also starting each chapter with a quote from a song. A lot of authors have also used songs in their chapters which i love the idea so will be doing it in mine too. Certain songs stir emotions and there are songs that always remind me of Twilight - well Bella and Jacob to be exact so i'm sharing them with you! Enjoy**

_No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer._

* * *

_**"Zero" by Lamb**_

_There's no one here today, __'Cause someone took the light away_  
_There's nothing in my heart, __Don't think I could even start to explain  
_  
_I can't stand the pain, __Of losing something so much a part of me_  
_Though in reality, __You were hardly there in my heart_

* * *

**Chapter 1 – We never fit **

There I was, pinned against the kitchen counter by Jacob, he had one arm on either side of my waist as he pressed himself closer, his mouth inching toward my lips. I felt a flush of heat – it was not my usual cringe worthy blush – I could feel the warmth of his russet skin emanating from his forearms as they brushed against the damp fabric of my t-shirt, the only evidence of my near fatal cliff dive merely an hour ago. His breath was hot and sweet against my blue tinged lips. My lips parted as I panted a few short breaths.

Was I really going to do this?

My mind raced a million miles an hour as I contemplated how this action – or possible inaction – would affect our friendship. I loved Jacob without a doubt, but my heart was still being tortured by Edw- … someone else.

The edges throbbed slightly as I thought his name.

Jake had been my savior; he was no hero in the normal terms, but I felt that he had pulled me out of my self imposed exile and put some of those pieces back together that were thoroughly smashed apart when _he_ left.

_I don't want you anymore_… those words burnt holes in my soul. I knew from the very beginning, from the first time I laid my human eyes on him and his bronze tousled hair, his amber eyes and his pale perfect skin that we would never fit together, we'd never look like a seamlessly bonded pair, we'd never be those "two peas in a pod" – we were excruciatingly different.

I was merely a human girl, bland – painfully bland – no special skills or qualities that stood out, unless you call my magnet for danger and trouble unique…

His full bottom lip touched my mouth first as his top lip caught up. He paused for a few seconds and looked deep into my eyes – what would he see? Could he comprehend the internal struggle that was waging war in the pit of my stomach? Could he sense the hesitation and revert that back to my thwarted love lost? Could he see the doubt in my eyes as they stared widely into his?

Perhaps.

But then a shrill ring from the phone suspended our probable first kiss!

Jake reached for the receiver and opened his mouth to speak a greeting before I snatched the phone out of his hand. I giggled lamely to cut the tension in the air and breathed a swift "hello" into the receiver.

"Hello… Hello," I sang out – but there seemed to be no-one on the other end.

"Hmph," I snorted, "there was no one there."

"Saved by the bell," Jake retorted as he replaced the phone on the wall. "Now where were we?" he questioned.

"Ummm, Alice will be back in a minute." I used that fact as my life boat to refrain from returning to the moment that was sure to change everything – I just wasn't certain.

His demeanor changed instantly, his eyes clouding over with loathing at the sound of the Cullen's name. "Damn Cullens, always in the way," he spat

"Excuse me? Alice is my friend and she can come and go as she pleases. Besides, now that she knows I'm ok and that I wasn't actually planning on killing myself I can't imagine she'll stay. Her _brother_ requested that she stay away." I emphasied the word _brother_, as I could not bring myself to say his name - still. I winced and Jake caught on as to why.

"God Bella… Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep torturing yourself over the choice that the filthy bloodsucker made? HE-DOES-NOT-CARE!" He yelled as he highlighted the last few words.

_He does not care_. The truth of that statement hurt more than the actual words. I was stunned at Jake, I couldn't believe how haphazardly he threw that in my face and my eyes began to burn with the salty tears that started escaping as I tried to blink them away.

"Ow," was all I managed to retort at Jake's words.

"Bells, please don't cry. You can't waste any more tears on him. He's _not_ worth it," he said sympathetically.

"Oh Jake. I wish it were that easy. You just don't understand, he was my _life_ and now he's gone." I unleashed a bit too much of the truth

"Bella," he breathed, "you're still alive. You still have a life here so continue living it!"

"I'm trying Jake, but there are still times when I just can't cope," I confessed as more tears flooded my cheeks

Jake sighed. "I'm here for you when ever you need me, whatever I can do. Just tell me."

"That's the thing Jake; you've already done more than you know." The professions just kept spilling out but what was the use in keeping them in?

"I'm here. Whether you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. I'm always here, you _can_ depend on _me._" His eyes were full of warmth as he grabbed my shoulders and crushed me into a hug.

"Love you Jake," was all I could muster.

"Right back at ya baby," he mused.

Alice flitted back into the room, cocked her head to one side as she assessed the situation.

"I'm OK Alice," I stated before she had a chance to speak.

"Bella," she sighed, "I have to go. I'm not _supposed_ to be here." She tore off a corner of the newspaper sitting on the kitchen table, whipped out a pen and jotted down a number.

"Here," she offered as she passed me the paper, "this is my cell phone number. You can call me whenever you need me."

"Oh Alice. I love you and miss you so much." I grabbed her arms and pulled her close for our goodbye hug.

"Take care of her," she said to Jake.

"Always," he responded as he grabbed my hand.

In a second she was out the door as I heard the black Mercedes speed down the street.

"Pizza?" Jake asked as I stood aimlessly in front of the fridge.

"Sure. How many?" I tried to laugh. Occupational hazard of Jake being a werewolf was his ravenous and enormous appetite.

"I'm paying. So 5 large?" he quizzed.

"God, where do you fit it all? Must be filling out those biceps," I joked.

After we scoffed, well Jake scoffed, all the pizza and washed it down with some coke, we stared vacantly at the TV. My mind was processing the evenings events. I wasn't sure if our non kiss was occupying Jacob's thoughts but he looked bummed.

"All right Bells, I better get going," he sighed as he rose to his feet.

"Umm, okay." Argh, I so didn't want to be alone right now. I looked at my feet as I muttered a goodbye. I was afraid he would see what was in my thoughts as soon as he looked into my eyes.

He took two strides towards me, closing the gap between us. His hot hand lifted my chin so that he could look at me.

"Hey, remember what I said – I'm here, anything you need," he repeated as his sensed my hesitation.

"I… I don't want to be alone," I confessed.

"You don't have to be. I can stay, if that's what you want," he beamed.

"What about your dad?"

"Bella," he laughed, "I'm a werewolf. Do you honestly think I have a curfew? Not coming home is a usual occurrence with patrolling and all. Billy will be fine."

"OK then," I stammered as I gave him a big bear hug. "Thank you."

He smiled his huge Jacob grin and I flicked the TV off and we headed upstairs.

Charlie was still at work and my dad was not the type to peek into my room to make sure I was sleeping, so we'd be ok. Besides, I'd use the lock for good measure, not that I actually think Charlie would be upset about Jake staying over.

We got to my room and I grabbed my pyjamas and headed to the bathroom to change while Jake flicked through my CD's. When I walked back in he was lounging on the left side of my bed so I positioned myself on the right. He stopped at one and I looked over at the cover and recognized it, it was Placebo; _Without You I'm Nothing. _He scoffed loudly at the title. I looked over at him.

"That's their best work you know," I confirmed.

"I know that. I _love_ this CD, just the title is a bit dismal," he critiqued.

"Hmm. I know the feeling though, so I know where it was coming from when it was written," I blurted as I looked up at him from under my lashes.

He began reciting the lyrics. "I'm unclean, a libertine, and every time you vent your spleen, I seem to lose the power of speech, you're slipping slowly from my reach, you grow me like the ever green, you've never seen a lonely me at all… without you I'm nothing - at all."

I gasped. "Wow! I'm impressed Jacob Black, you know it by heart too?"

"Huh, sort of… I guess," he said with a red tinge to his face.

"Which is your favorite?" I asked curiously.

"Ask for answers," he stated.

"Ah, mine too," I confessed as I began to recite. "Time to pass you to the test, hanging on my lovers breath, always coming second best, pictures of my lovers chest, get through this night, there are no second chances, this time, I might, to ask the sea for answers." I spoke the words aloud then closed my eyes.

"These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy, tiny touch of jealousy, these bonds are shackle free." I opened my eyes and peered at him. His was thoroughly engrossed in my words and his gaze was focused on my face. I blushed.

"I want a love like that, like those songs, full of the agony, lust, pain, desire of love," I admitted.

"But the agony and the pain is only there because you _want_ that person so much – not because they have _caused_ you pain by their actions," he differentiated.

I winced; my mind registering the pain that _he_ made me feel when _he _left. "Yeah I know. I want that." Clearly our 'love' was no love song the way I wanted it to be.

Jake flipped open the CD player and popped it in; he skipped to our favorite song and lowered the volume. He resumed his position on my bed and even though the music was at a background noise level, we didn't speak, just listened to the strumming of the guitar and those words. Bliss. I closed my eyes.

I was aware that I was dreaming. He was kissing and gently biting my neck as I had my hands entwined in his hair. I was sitting on his lap, a leg on either side of his, my hips pressing into his urgently. It was HOT; I was getting hot – literally, I was sweating. Before I could see who it was I was awoken to the sound of Charlie knocking on my door. _Shoot!_ I thought. I wasn't expecting that, and I had Jake sleeping next to me.

"Yeah?" I moaned as if I was still sleeping.

"Bella, just wanted to let you know I'll be gone fishing tomorrow at dawn, so I'll see you tomorrow night." Charlie called through the locked door.

"OK dad. Have fun," I enthused.

I rolled onto my side to face Jacob, he opened one eye lazily and spoke. "You should have told him you have a guy in your bed. I would have loved to seen him kick the door down," he chuckled.

"Yeah right," I responded, "I don't think he'd actually believe that."

Jacob reached out and ran his fingers over my brow, wiping at the perspiration that had collected there. "Am I making you hot Bella?" he asked curiously.

"Ah, um, i…" I spluttered, "I don't know," I told him earnestly.

"Geez Bells. Take a chill pill, it wasn't a trick question. One-oh-eight remember? I thought my heat was resonating or something that's all," he quipped.

How silly of me to think he somehow sensed my dream, of course he meant his temperature. I took some deep breaths to regain my composure as I pondered who that _him_ was in my delicious dream.

Through heavy lids I watched Jacob who'd now turned to his side to face me. He drifted back to sleep as I surveyed his beautiful face. His shiny black cropped hair, his russet skin, the planes of his sculpted jaw, his dark lash rimmed deep set eyes, his full pink lips. I moved myself closer and settled my face just inches away from his. I wondered what it would feel like to kiss those full lips, to gently lick them with my tongue and feel his hot breath as they parted to let me in.

As I floated somewhere between reality and my dreams, they melded together and I was semiconscious when I placed my hand behind his head and wove my fingers in his hair. I leaned into him and pressed my lips against his - God they were so soft and sweet. I gently bit and tugged at his bottom full lip and he breathed, "Bella."

His lips parted and my tongue caressed the inside of his mouth. I felt a hand slide over my hip, up my back and I felt fingers entwined in my hair pulling it slightly. I sighed as I pressed my mouth harder against his, his tongue found mine and we licked and sucked at each others mouths exploring.

Man this was hot – best dream ever. As I propped my elbow up to lift myself so I could roll on top of him, I open my eyes and saw him. His eyes were burning with desire and he registered the hesitation in my face. "Hey" he whispered breathlessly.

"Oh my God!" I stammered as I clumsily jumped away. "I'm… uh… err…" How was I going to explain this one. "Shoot, sorry," was all I could come up with.

"Bells, what was that?" he questioned.

"I was kinda dreaming," I confessed as I laughed nervously.

"About me?" he asked quizzically.

"Um, yes?" It sounded more like a question than an answer.

"Oh…" Jake looked lost for a moment, like he wasn't exactly sure what to do with that information. He gnawed at his lip, the one that had been pressed against my mouth a few moments ago.

I was shell shocked; I thought he'd be a bit more excited by the fact he was starring in my dreams. Disappointment then flooded his brown eyes

"Just a dream. Yeah, I thought it was too good to be true," he professed.

I winced as I comprehended why he was upset. He studied the pain in my eyes at my realization that I'd hurt him.

"Hey, I told you I'd be here for you to do whatever you wanted and if you want me to be your dream man – I can handle that," he teased.

"Ha ha," I laughed sarcastically, "my dream swept me away and… sorry." No explanation was necessary, but I wondered what my subconscious was trying to tell me.


	2. Birthday's & Blurred Lines

"_You are the sun, It's where you're from, And where I'm going to  
The light you shine, Can always change, My grey skies into blue"_

'_**Sun' by Lamb**_

**Chapter 2 – Birthday's & Blurred lines**

It was Friday September 12th, tomorrow was my 19th Birthday. I couldn't help but recall last year's birthday and how _well_ that all went. This year would be different – I was going to make this one count.

It had now been months since my impromptu semi-dream about Jake. Things weren't awkward after that night, which filled me with relief, but my best friend starred in many more amazing dreams since then. Hot, _always_ hot – both ways.

It was a Friday and I managed to get through school without much mention of my birthday. Jessica and Mike suggested we go out, but I preferred not to spend time outside school with my school friends, so I made up an excuse that Charlie was taking me out to dinner in Port Angeles. Actually, I thus far had zero plans for my birthday. _Hmm, way for making it count_, I thought to myself.

I turned the final corner on my way home from school and noticed the Rabbit parked out front. Jake was leaning against the hood, waiting with a smirk on his face.

"Hey stranger," I called out as I nearly fell out of my truck cab.

"Hey beautiful. Long time no see," Jake yelled out.

"Wait! Does three days count as a long time?" I questioned.

"Not in the real world, but with us… absolutely," he confirmed.

And it _did_ count. We saw each other daily, so three days was a long time for someone who literally lives in your pocket to stay away. We were so in sync we finished off each other sentences - much to the annoyance of our friends. I had become 'one of the guys' by hanging around the pack so much. Paul took it upon himself, saw it as his duty, to drill me often and make me blush as much as he could. Embry was the prankster and boy, was I mostly at the center of his gags – much to the dismay of Jake. He was my protector in every way that counted.

"So," Jake started, "tomorrow is your B day and I wanted to give you your present so you know what's on the agenda – plus we kinda need to leave soon so…"

"Huh?" I was confused – clearly.

"Well here you go," he said as he handed me an envelope, "open and see."

I fiddled with the part that was stuck down. Again, remembering last years slip that led to my near death – literally, then my metaphorical one. I pulled out a card that had a picture on the front of an old man and woman on a beach with the phrase _true friends are like the tide, they may come in and out but they'll always be back_. Wow… that rang true for us. I gave him a soppy look and I opened the card. Inside was a small envelope which I took out and shoved into the pocket of my jeans. I read the card, in Jake's messy script it simply said:

_Dear Bella,_

_Our bonds will always be shackle free_

_Happy birthday beautiful_

_I love you_

_Jake_

I sighed an audible sigh and swiftly threw my arms around him, pressing my face into his chest. "Thank you" I breathed into him. My heart skipped a beat, like it had started doing recently when I was in such close proximity to him.

"Hey, you have to open the present," he reminded me.

"Oh right." I lifted the smaller envelope out of my pocket and pulled out 2 concert tickets. "Holy Crow Jake!" I yelled as I eyed the 2 tickets for Placebo's concert in Seattle tomorrow night. "Jake! These must have cost you a fortune."

"Hey, nothing but the best for my best friend," he beamed. "So, you need to move your ass and get your stuff together."

"Huh?" I really was slow on the uptake.

"We're leaving soon. Charlie knows, I okayed it with him, I cancelled your shift tonight at Newtons and booked us a hotel – separate beds – so all that's left is you getting your shit together," he explained.

God I loved him – best friend ever!

I scooted upstairs and grabbed an overnight bag. I threw in two pairs of jeans, two tops, a jacket, a bra and two pairs of underwear. I grabbed my toiletries bag from the bathroom and I was done.

I headed downstairs to where Jake was waiting and threw my bag at him. "Wait!" I screeched as I ran back upstairs to grab my Placebo CD. I literally slid down the stairs – literally! I slipped on a step halfway down and scooted the rest on my butt – geez that hurt. "Ow!" I screamed as Jake lifted me off the ground in one swift movement.

"You ok Bells?" he questioned as he rubbed by butt. A blush rushed to my cheeks – not certain whether it was the fall or him touching me on my butt that brought it on. "Yeah. I'm forever the clutz," I professed.

We ran out to the Rabbit as Jake opened the door for me and ushered me into the front seat. He ran around to the driver's side and we were off!

I was thrilled beyond belief that my birthday this year would be one to remember. It was an added bonus that it also included a little road trip. I loved time away from Forks, it made me feel _freer,_ plus I got to spend more time with Jake which I always savored.

We arrived in Seattle and drove straight to our hotel room, Jake got the keys and we immediately went to check out our room and drop off our bags. It was quaint; it had 2 single beds strategically placed on opposite sides of the room with a small table in between. There was a small bar fridge, a TV on a stand hanging on the wall in the corner and a bathroom and that was pretty much it – bare necessities. I threw my overnight bag onto the bed closest to the window and launched myself onto it.

"Ah," I breathed.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Jake added as he dove onto the other bed.

"So what are we doing tonight?" I quizzed, eying him off.

"Hm, dinner and… whatever you want baby!" he responded enthusiastically.

So we freshened up and headed out to grab a meal. Neither of us really knew our way around, so we roamed close to the hotel and found a little Italian place that would suffice. I ordered a lasagna while Jake was holding back and ordered a large pizza, a chicken parmigana and a pasta dish. We finished our meals with some gelato and we were out of there. We strolled around a little while and headed back to our room.

"Bells," Jake called out from the bathroom, "there's a spa in here." It was clear where he was headed with that statement. "Wanna take a dip? Clothed of course," he added.

I debated internally and thought _what the hell!_ So I promptly said, "sure thing."

"I'm just gonna run the water and jump in so come on in when you're ready," he shouted. "Oh and Bells… grab some sodas."

I raided the bar fridge and grabbed a few cokes, then I turned to the mirror and pulled down my jeans. My underwear was fine for this faux rendezvous – plain black cotton. I tore off my sweater and had a grey tank top underneath and bra under that – that would suffice, so I kicked off my sneakers and socks and marched into the bathroom.

I was stifled by the steam, I lie… not just the steam, but also the vision of Jacob languid in the tub. His glorious skin wet and his black hair dripping, his head was laid back against the tub and he had his knees bent – I would think it safe to assume because they were too long to stretch out. His chest was chiseled and his abs were in plain sight - definitely a six pack, actually probably eight.

I exhaled a big breath and as I lifted my leg to step into the tub, Jake opened one eye. "Hey Bells. Give me a sec to scoot over."

He rose to his feet and grabbed a towel to roll under his head. As he stood all the water ran down his body, the weight of it made his boxers practically stick to his form. _Holy crap _I thought, I could literally see the outline of his huge… _get your mind out of the gutter_ I reminded myself. But wow, that was massive, but I shouldn't be surprised, nothing about Jake was average sized any more since his wolfly growth spurt.

I sank into the water as Jake eyed me apprehensively; he gave me a sheepish grin and started the conversation.

"Bella, you look great. Sorry I hope that ok to say."

It made my heart skip a beat as I scoffed, "whatever Jake." My face flushed pink, ugh – I hated that my emotions were written all over my face. He grinned and grabbed one of my feet out of water and began to rub. God it felt wonderful and I couldn't help it when a breathy sigh escaped my lips.

We were complete prunes. We'd sat in that tub for what seemed like hours. Jake surprised me with a small flask of whiskey – I wasn't a drinker and neither was Jake really, but I thought _what the hell,_ and poured some into our cans of coke. I was a bit tipsy I must admit. My words flowed freer that I'd meant them too when we started a conversation about our future plans, it inevitably turned into a discussion about the past and then regrets.

My verbal diarrhea was unstoppable as I disclosed every ounce of hurt and pain _he_ left me with. And how Jacob has been healing my wounds, pulling me back together, reassembling me into the girl I used to be – actually a _better_ version of her. Less guarded, less uptight, and more adventurous and willing.

Jacob spoke honestly too – a little too honestly at times.

"I wish you'd just… try," he eyed me from beneath his lashes. "Just try and see what would happen with us."

"Jake, I can't risk it. You are the most important person in my life and I can't chance it that anything will change what we are right now," I confessed.

"And what exactly is that?" he quizzed.

"My best friend, my support, my healer, my rock, my… Jacob," I ended.

"That wouldn't have to change. I could still _be_ all those things and so much _more_. God, don't you feel it with us Bella? The palpable binds that draw us to one another. I can taste it, my need for you is…" He stopped and took a deep steadying breath. "We could be magic," he stated as he stared at me with deep eyes.

A mental eraser in my mind was rubbing at the distinct line I had drawn that separated Jacob as my best friend and Jacob as the possibility, the probability, the fact that we _could_ be magic together. The line was becoming blurred and the two started weeping together, mixing and merging till I couldn't tell which was which.

Jacob didn't wait for a response – he knew me too well. I heard a subdued beeping and as Jake leaned over the tub and rummaged through his jean pockets he pulled out his watch. "It's officially your birthday Bells."

He took a deep breath and used both arms to push off the edge of the tub to lift him self up. He positioned himself on his knees and leaned forward toward me. Jacob took each of my hands in his, the heat of his skin burning in mine. He lifted me to my knees and we were both facing each other kneeling. He tilted forward and put his mouth at my ear.

"Happy birthday beautiful," he breathed and he exhaled loudly.

The hot air that escaped his mouth burned my ear and neck. He slowly inched around to face me, trailing my jaw with his nose until we were completely face to face. I pawed in my mind to find that line I had drawn, the distinction between what we were and what we could be. I couldn't see it any more, my resolve diminished and I told myself that whatever happened next I would just let it be.

Jacob cocked his head to the side and I stared at his full lips. The approach was almost slow motion and I parted my lips to meet his. I closed my eyes and the anticipation of our lips meeting was blatant. I waited, and waited. But when I opened my eyes he deviated course, which had obviously originally been my mouth, and pressed his lips against my cheek.

"Happy birthday Bells"

What game was he playing? I stared at him bewildered and I think he caught the questioning look in my eye and clarified. "I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to. I told you I will be whatever _you _want or need me to be."

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. I don't know if it was the whiskey, the tension in the room or the disappearance of the line I had once drawn. Perhaps a mixture of all three, but I removed my cheek that rested on his chest, moved my hands up his back to entwine my fingers in his hair. I looked into his eyes as they bore holes right into my soul and I realized I had no control; this _was_ going to happen.

I urgently pressed my mouth on his and breathed a sigh of relief as my body flooded with heat. I forced my mouth harder onto his and he responded in kind. Jacob raised his hand and gently pulled at the hair at the nape of my neck. I was floating. We explored each others mouths with our tongues and I gently bit his full bottom lip. I looked into his eyes and they mirrored the desire in mine.

I trailed a finger over the muscles in his chest and down his abs. I felt an unfamiliar bulge in his boxers press against my hip and it started a fire in the pit of my stomach. Clearly I was doing something right, not that I had any clue, I was somewhat inexperienced.

I pulled the elastic of his boxers away from his hip and placed the tip of my finger in there and traced the line from left to right and back again. He tensed and moved one hand down to place it on my lower back and he pushed his hips harder against mine. I hesitantly rubbed his bulge and he jolted. I felt like my head was going to explode.

He ran a finger from the nape of my neck over my shoulder and collar bone and down my sternum. He gently cupped my breast and I shuddered. His hand kept moving south and he found and lifted the bottom of my tank top and caressed my stomach. His fingers inched toward the elastic of my panties when he broke our kiss.

"You're calling the shots. Tell me to stop," he whispered huskily.

I couldn't see straight. I shook my head and crashed my mouth back to his lips. I courageously placed my hand over his and moved it further down until his palm was between my legs. Jacob rubbed over my burning center and I cringed from the onslaught of pleasure. I fearlessly moved my panties to the side, guided is hand in and pressed his fingers inside my wet folds. I almost lost my mind when he teasingly traced his finger over my most sensitive part – very slowly back and forth – I thought I was going to implode from the sensation. He dipped his fingers inside me as I let out a moan and he returned to my sensitive clit. He started circling gently and teasingly. I put my mouth to his ear and breathed my satisfaction into it.

I pulled his boxers down to reveal his cock and it was intimidating to say the least. I wrapped my hand firmly around the base; not really certain how to do this. He must have sensed my apprehension and he placed his free hand over mine to show me how to touch him. His fingers rubbed me harder and faster, and I rubbed him harder and faster too. Our rhythms matched the sound of our breathless moans and groans. Before too long I felt an ache, shuddering, I held my breath as a wave of pure pleasure washed over me. I put my hand over his in my panties one more time and pressed harder against him.

"God Bella," Jacob growled.

He crashed his lips back to mine as I felt his orgasm through my hand and he exploded. Our kissing became gentle and soft immediately and we lay back into the water together with mammoth sighs of satisfaction. _Wow,_ was all I could muster.

I was too hesitant to look Jacob in the eyes which he sensed and he grabbed my chin to lift it up to look at him. His heavy lidded eyes were sensual as he said, "Bella, this can mean as much or as little as _you_ choose it to. I'll be what ever _you_ want me to be." I half smiled and lay my head back on his chest. This was amazing and I didn't want to complicate the moment by attempting to define _it_ or _us_.

I didn't notice it at first, but as I pushed myself up away from Jake, the water in the tub was uncomfortably cold. I stepped out and shivered, he followed suit and I turned to the shower and ran the hot water. I wasn't sure what normal etiquette would call for after what just happened, but I just wanted to wash off alone and digest the evening's events.

I didn't even have to open my mouth; he sensed it was a shower for one as he spoke. "I'll let you shower in peace Bells," he said as he grinned at me.

"Thanks," I muttered as I turned on the faucet and began to adjust the water temperature.

Once he was out of the room, I slipped out of my wet panties, bra and tank top, and just let the hot water run off of me. Not sure how long I was in there, but certainly long enough to provoke Jacob to knock on the door and ask if I was ok. I took that as my cue to finish and stepped out to towel off.

Modesty had flown right out the door, so I walked out with my dripping hair and towel wrapped around me and simply said _hey._ What a blasé thing to start with, so I adapted. "Um, the shower was great. You should give it a try."

"Sure thing," he said, smiling at me apprehensively.

As Jake was in the shower I threw on my pajamas, then dried and brushed through my tangled hair. I wasn't sure what to do so I just lifted the sheets off of my bed and hopped in laying my head back on the pillow which was starting to swim with thoughts of what we did.

I heard the water turn off in the shower and as I searched my mind for the right things to say and do, the door flung open and I did the most cowardly thing ever… I closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. _Ugh… what am I doing?_

He crept over to the bed and hovered over me. He let out a small laugh and bent down and placed a gentle kiss on my temper and whispered, "Goodnight Bells, sweet dreams". I concentrated on making my breathing shallow like I was sleeping and before long, I succumbed to the tiredness that racked my mind and drifted off.


	3. Wildest Dreams

**A/N - a short Jacob POV chapter, just so we know what's going on in that gorgeous brain of his. **

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

"_I am a moth, Who just wants to share your light.  
I'm just an insect, Trying to get out of the night.  
I only stick with you, Because there are no others.  
You are all I need, You are all I need.  
I'm in the middle of your picture, Lying in the reeds"_

_'__**All I Need' by Radiohead**_

**Chapter 3 – Wildest Dreams**

**Jacob's POV**

My head was spinning - in a good way. Was this just a dream? All my blood was still occupying my manhood and I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.

Bella and I just took a major leap into unknown territory. Here, in this mediocre hotel room in Seattle, my wildest dreams – scratch that, _fantasies,_ had just become reality. I just couldn't comprehend it.

I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for Bella to finish showering. God I loved this girl with everything that I was. I thought I knew Bella inside out, but damn, this was something else. Bella letting go of all inhibitions and taking control was intense, it blew my mind. Replaying the scene over and over in my head, torturing myself with a thirst for Bella I knew I could not quench.

Not sure exactly at which point I'd fallen head over heals for her. I remember the time she turned up to my house with the bikes, man she looked like shit. I didn't think rebuilding the bike for her was such a good idea, but she looked like a lost little girl and I just wanted to make it better, so I agreed. My garage became our little sanctuary, we'd hide away from the world fixing the bikes and talking about anything and everything in our own little Bella & Jake bubble.

I swear every day I saw her she kept getting better and better. When that asshole leech abandoned her she was broken, and_ I_ was the one to help put her back together. She was my best friend; I felt we were kindred spirits.

When I first phased and I had to stop seeing her, I thought I'd die. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done to stay away from her. But when she confronted me at my house, man she had balls and it made me love her even more. It killed me to tell her to leave and I knew I had to make it up to her. Thank god she worked it out on her own cause there was no way Sam would lift the gag order but my brainiac Bella sorted it out. And she accepted the wolf in me just the same.

When she jumped off the cliff I thought she was dead. It was really then that I manned up and told myself to go get her. But I was gonna let her go at her own pace, I was just gonna give her a little shove along the way, just give her opportunities to make the first move. I knew I had an effect on her physically, my body was nothing like that of a guy my age but I never really got a big head about it. Not like I really did much training or anything it just kinda came after I phased. But I did like it when Bella reacted to it, made me feel like there was a chance.

That first night I'd slept at her house, in her bed, I thought I was gonna explode. Being there with her, laying in her bed with her, god, it took all the restraint I had not to jump her. And when she grabbed my hair, and laid those sweet lips on mine, holy cow I was the happiest guy on the planet. Of course she was dreaming but that was ok, hey at least she was thinking about me on a subconscious level, which had to count for something.

This birthday weekend was my big plan. Either she would make a move or I would. And I brought the whiskey just in case she needed some liquid courage. Actually that was probably more for my benefit, she wasn't one to drink so I didn't actually think she would accept, but hey, it worked.

When she'd agreed to a soak in the tub, I knew this was it – now or never. When she stepped in the bathroom clad in her tank and panties, shit I had to start reciting the chemical elements table in my head to keep from making a tent in my boxers. Man she was smoking hot – hotter because she had no idea how hot she _was_.

When my alarm beeped with her birthday reminder, and I leaned over to tell her _happy birthday_ I thought my knees were gonna buckle. Her scent invaded my head and it was swimming with thoughts of what I wanted to do to her, but I bit my tongue and kissed her cheek instead. She actually looked pissed off which made me want to laugh out loud, but I wasn't gonna push my luck. I told her I wasn't gonna do anything and that basically the ball was in her court.

Then she had that determined look in her eye and holy shit when she kissed me, fireworks went off in my brain. When she trailed her hand down my body I thought I would melt with the heat. The fire in the pit of my gut was raging and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back for long.

Her scent washed over me like a tidal wave and when she encouraged my hand into her panties, this puppy was going to blow – literally to smithereens. Her flesh was hot and slick and man I just wanted to make her feel what I was feeling, the burning desire and need. When she took my cock in her hands, I nearly jumped out of the water, her small hands did huge things to me and my head was heavy with the need for release, I sensed she was unsure and I helped her out, not that she really needed it, she was doing awesome on her own. I was determined to hold it until I could make her come, thank god I didn't have to wait long – best night ever!

She wouldn't look at me which made me feel uneasy and I needed to break the tension so I told her that this can mean as much or as little as _she_ chooses it to and that I'll be what ever _she_ want me to be. I think she appreciated that and she relaxed. I let her shower in peace and her I was waiting for her.

Man was it just me or was she taking forever? I walked over to the door and knocked.

"Bells, you ok in there?" I was gonna ask if she needed a hand but I thought it best to shut my mouth.

The door opened and out she stepped, swathed in a towel and nothing else. _Down boy_ I thought to myself.

She self consciously said hey and walked over to the bed while I stepped in to take my turn to shower. The last thing I wanted was awkwardness to cloud tonight so I would have to figure out what to say to diffuse the situation.

When I walked out of the bathroom, there she was… sleeping. _Great_ I thought, and I walked and leaned over her and kissed her head and whispered a goodnight.

Tomorrow was a new day.


	4. Making it count

**A/N - So here is another chapter that shows just why we love Jacob Black -SIGH- Why can't every girl have a friend like him? Enjoy**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**What Sound' by Lamb**_

_What is that sound, Running round my head  
Funny I thought, That part was long since dead  
But now there is new life, Coursing through my veins  
Because there's someone, Who makes it beat again_

**Chapter 4 – Make it count**

"Good morning sunshine," Jacob bellowed in my ear.

"Ugh… What time is it?" I questioned.

"Waaay past lunch time, come on I'm starved." It was nearly 3pm - where had the day gone?

At least he was acting normal, like nothing happened, like we hadn't kissed and touched and done unspeakable things to pleasure one another the night before. But, it worked for me; I was still at a loss as to how to handle the situation.

I literally rolled out of the bed and hit the ground with a thud as Jake leaped over his bed to help me up.

"Ouch," I proclaimed. I'd landed on my butt again. His hand automatically reached around me to rub my sore cheek and I blushed.

"All better. Now let's get some food into me," he said.

He'd already gotten dressed and was ready to walk out the door. I grabbed some clothes and headed for the bathroom to get changed and give my teeth a quick brush. I looked in the mirror - my hair also needed some brushing so I just pulled it back in a ponytail. _Oh crap!,_ I noticed a faint purple patch on my neck – _shoot!_ – how was I going to hide this from Charlie? That'd be a job for a turtleneck. I threw on the clothes and hurried out the door with Jake practically pushing me out.

We went down the street to a diner and Jake ate his 2 burgers like they were his last meal. I gnawed at my burger and slurped my coke. "Hungry much?" I quizzed.

"Well it was a… long night," he answered before adding quickly, "are we gonna talk about it or…"

I sighed as I tried to explain. "Look, I'm not sure what happened there and whether it was the tub, the heat, the whiskey, but… I just… I mean… I don't know," and I burst out laughing and so did he - that cut the tension.

"It was awesome, let's just leave it at that," he added.

"YES! Let's," I smiled at him and got back to my burger.

That was it? That was the awkward conversation I'd been dreading? _WOW_ – it was so easy with Jake. And yes, it certainly _was_ awesome -I blushed just thinking about it.

We loitered in the diner for hours, just talking and laughing and joking. It was 6.24pm when I checked the time and our concert was at 8pm, so we scooted out of there and got back to our room with enough time to change and head down to the venue.

We walked in the room and Jake slumped down on his bed and I lay down next to him. He had his eyes closed and I surveyed his face, it was kind of like that night in my room. He was really beautiful, not just his looks but everything about him, the way we were so effortless together, the way he made me feel when I was around him, the way he loved me unconditionally.

God, why couldn't I just make the leap and give myself to him? Not physically because I'd kind of started to do that last night, but emotionally. I wanted to open my heart to him and let his warmth heal every thorn my heart had wavered. I wanted to experience and unleash the magic that I knew would resonate when I let it – it was right between us, I just needed to leap off the mental ledge that I was teetering on. Just make the decision and go with it.

I never really thought of Edward anymore – there I could say his name with no pain, had to count for something. I wasn't hurting anymore, I was angry and that was a great emotion because it made me see our relationship clearly. He was overbearing and controlling without meaning to be, I was a different person with him, a damsel in distress who needed rescuing and looking after. But I didn't want that - I loved the person I was with Jake.

His eyes opened and I almost jumped. "Hey, you ok?" he asked.

"Yeah, I was just daydreaming I guess but I am… perfectly fine, better than fine. Excellent actually," I cooed.

His beaming grin showing his perfect teeth stretched across his face made my heart skip a beat.

"I'm so happy to hear that Bells," he said as he hugged me one of his bear hugs. I grabbed his face with both hands and planted a kiss on his lips - it wasn't a romantic kiss as such.

"What was that for," he asked.

"Just a '_thanks for being great_' kiss." And we laughed. Effortless.

We took turns showering whilst I threw on a Placebo CD to set the stage for our evening. We sang along and hyped ourselves up, singing the words verbatim and just being goofy. We got a cab, even though the venue was only 20 minutes walk – we were running a tad late. We got to the venue just in time to see the final few minutes of the support act, and then out waltzed the band. When the guitar started strumming that most recognizable chord everyone screamed and started singing - _Sucker lover's heaven sent you, pucker up our passion spent._

It was wonderful, Jake had his arm around me when they played _Without You I'm Nothing _and I actually shed tears when they sang _Ask For Answers_ – Jake held me tight and sang in my ear, it was… magical – I loved him! Best night ever.

After the concert finished, the hordes of fans piled out into the streets, there was no way known we would get a cab. But, it was a nice night so we decided to walk it. We strolled hand in hand, replaying the night and singing out hearts out whilst dancing and Jake twirled me like a ballerina. I tripped a lot which was a given. As we passed a huge park Jacob slowed his stride, he scanned around and shook his head.

"What is it?' I asked immediately.

"Nothing, I'm just being paranoid," he answered. He put his arm around me a little tighter and we kept the same pace walking back to our room - it wasn't mentioned again.

We finally got back to the hotel. In the lobby we waited for the elevator and I noticed Jake glancing at me with a smirk.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Nothing, just… I had an awesome time tonight," he answered as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. It sent tingles down my back when he touched me. It was so soft and gentle and loving.

It made me think of the night before and I felt redness creeping into my cheeks. I wanted to reach out and touch his face and kiss his lips, but before I could move my arm the elevator beeped and Jake grabbed my hand and pulled me in with him.

Once inside our hotel room, I threw my bag on the floor and took my jacket off. Jake stepped out of his shoes and kicked them into a corner and he took his hoodie off. I noticed how nicely his charcoal t-shirt accentuated his muscular arms and how perfectly it hugged his abdomen - I could just make out the six pack he had hiding under there. His body was incredible and I swallowed thickly to rid myself of thoughts of him in the tub.

Jake ordered me to sit on the bed and close my eyes, I did so – very reluctantly, I _hated_ surprises.

"OK, ready open up Bells," he beamed.

I opened my eyes and there in front of me on the little hotel table was a red velvet cake swathed in butter cream frosting with nineteen candles burning brightly.

"Aww Jake, what did I ever do to deserve such a wonderful friend?" I really had no idea.

"Happy Birthday beautiful, now make a wish and blow out the candles."

I shut my eyes tightly and wished for Jacob Black to stay in my life forever. I took a lungful of air and blew out all the candles from right to left. Jacob applauded and gave me a quick peck on the top of my head.

As I turned to face him, I decided that I was going to start working on my wish tonight.


	5. Wishes

**Author's Note – WARNING lemons ahead! Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter. **

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**All In Your Hands' by Lamb **_

_You waited so long and so patiently for me to be  
Sure I could trust the light in your eyes that shined  
Now it's all in your hands and it feels so beautiful  
Now you can lay them on me as much as you like_

**Chapter 5 - Wishes**

I stared into his big brown eyes and willed him to see inside my soul through my eyes - and it was like he _did_. He lifted his hand and traced my bottom lip with his thumb as he held my left cheek in his right hand. My mouth opened at his touch and my breath caught in my throat. My desire was mirrored in his eyes as he leaned in to gently kiss me, I opened my mouth more and traced his mouth with my tongue as his lips parted. We deepened the kiss as I twisted my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer with urgency.

I threw my leg over his lap and straddled him on the edge of the bed. Our breathing became erratic as we grinded our hips together. I could feel his erection and it made me more excited that I was the one provoking that reaction. I was hot, he was hot, the perspiration was building and I took the first step and pulled off his t-shirt then my own.

His eyes wandered over my chest and breasts – _damn, I wish I had worn a nicer bra_. His hand caressed down my throat and over my sternum, my breathing hitched and his lips lifted at one side into a sexy smirk for the reaction he incited. He leaned over and planted kisses all over my chest feigning a b-line for my breasts. I tugged at his hair as he took my nipple in his mouth. I reached my other hand behind me and unhooked my bra.

I found the same fearlessness I had the previous night in the tub, and I stood up, unzipped my jeans and dropped them to my feet. He leaned back on the bed on both arms, legs spread wide, erection breaking through his jeans and his chest heaved heavy breaths at my display. I loved it. I put a finger on either side of my panties and pulled them down seductively. I hadn't had experience in this but it really just came naturally – I guess hormones take over and guide you.

I knelt down on the floor between his large muscular legs and lay across this chest, my nipples grazing his abs. "Fuck Bells," he moaned as he leaned his head back. He was so beautiful.

I nibbled and bit at his glistening skin down his chest and abs while he bucked uncontrollably under my body. I traced lines with my tongue at his hips where his jeans sat. I undid the button and pulled them down along with his underwear and his lifted his butt to help me along. My heart rammed in my chest and my pulse thumped in my ears. This was all _so_ much, yet not enough all wrapped up together.

I instinctively grabbed a hold of his erection and circled the tip with my tongue. Jake grabbed a handful of my hair and moaned. "Oh God Bella. Oh fuck! I'm going to explode," he whispered huskily, very obviously trying to control himself.

I smiled as I placed a firm hand around the shaft and lavished him with my mouth some more. I kept up a quick pace and used his reactions as my cues. Before long, his body jerked, his breathing was heavy and laboured, and with a thrash of his head he came.

He looked at me through heavy lidded eyes filled with passion and lifted me up to straddle him again. He kissed me greedily on my mouth and then rolled and positioned me beneath his huge frame, but he kept the mass of his weight off me with his arms, which were bulging with the effort.

His dark eyes bore into mine and he asked, "can I return the favor?" He pressed his groin into my hot center and I bit my lip and nodded.

He began kissing and nibbling his way down and the anticipation was excruciating. I held onto his strong shoulders and practically pushed him down urging him on. I don't know where this confidence came from, but I liked it. When he reached my hip I shuddered, it felt amazing and then he gently pressed his tongue over my heated flesh. "Oh god, Jake," I whispered breathlessly.

He moved his tongue gently and circled my clit teasingly as I trembled under him. He held my legs apart with his strong hands and I entwined my hands in his hair. Every stroke and lick brought me closer to the edge. I fisted the sheets with one hand and squeezed my eyes shut letting the surge roll over my quivering body. Then I collapsed - sedate and satisfied.

Jake climbed up to lay on me and his erection was rock hard again. I laughed a groggy laugh and looked into his liquid eyes. He kissed my lips and brushed them with his softly. But I was insatiable and nowhere near finished.

I reached up and grabbed his face between my hands and stared into his eyes trying to portray my intentions through my gaze. I'm not sure whether he saw the want, the need, the desire, the passion or ravenous hunger for him but he understood what I wanted. Effortless.

"Are you sure Bella?" he asked softly.

He needed no response. I immediately started panting and forced my mouth urgently to his. I needed to be in him as much as I could, I needed him in me and I wanted us to be bound together as close as we could be.

I entwined my legs around his lithe waist as I reached down and grabbed hold of his erection and led it to my entrance. Our hips bucked unconsciously and I was hungry for him to enter me fully. He wrapped a hand under my butt and lifted me to him. We were perfectly aligned when his mouth left mine, he leaned his forehead on mine and stared into my eyes and saw into my soul as he pushed into me. I shuddered as a whimper escaped my throat. He groaned all the while his eyes not leaving mine.

This was the most intimate act but I never imagined the depths of emotion and connection that would be provoked in me. It was pure bliss, his hips pumped into me rhythmically and we were so in sync. Time stood still and it was just us in the moment. Never leaving each others eyes, we climaxed again and let the waves of passion and desire wash over us with their heavy lethargy. We collapsed side by side and couldn't bear to tear our eyes away from one another. No words escaped either of our lips. Our unspoken love was palpable.

We lay on the bed for what seemed like an eternity. Jake then placed his hands under me, pulled me into his huge frame into a hug and kissed my neck. I reached for the bedspread and pulled it over us - not that I needed it, I had my own space heater pressed against me - but I felt exposed emotionally and needed some cover. Wordlessly, we drifted off to sleep.

**A/N – thoughts? Next Chapter will be a tad emotional...**


	6. Exposed

**Author's Note – Ok, so this chapter is full of angst and emotion. Frustration is sure to ensue LOL**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**It Could Be Sweet' by Portishead**_

_I don't want to hurt you  
For no reason have I but fear  
And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of  
But I'm guilty of fear_

**Chapter 6 – Exposed**

My eyes fluttered open and the sun beamed into the room through the line where the two curtains met. I was still entwined in Jake's heavy limbs and I was hot and sweaty – and sticky. I blushed fiercely as I remembered last night, every detail, every touch, every sensation so vivid in my mind. Where did we stand now? What did this mean? What did I want it to mean? Confusion clouded my mind.

I heard Jake moan in my ear and smack his lips together - I was parched too. He wrapped his arms around me tighter and breathed, "Good morning." I scooted up and took the bed sheet with me.

"Umm, hey," I said awkwardly. _Wow_, I was so eloquent.

His face fell from a gleaming grin to a puckered pout. "Is that it?" he questioned.

"Umm, I need to use the bathroom." I practically leaped off the bed, tripping over the bed spread in true Bella form. He hopped up in all his naked glory to help me, but I instinctively put out a hand to gesture to him I was ok and I slammed the door behind me.

GOD_! _What is wrong with me_?_ I _had_ felt _it_, I let myself feel everything last night and in the harsh light of day I was back to square one. I felt like our places in this were messed up, like I should be the guy scared of commitment and shying away from a great thing.

Why couldn't I just be a normal girl? One who let herself fall head first into this ocean of love in Jacob that opened up before me. He deserved better – not some broken, emotionally retarded girl who couldn't even commit to how she felt let alone to him. Tears started streaming down my face as I turned the shower water on cold - I needed something to slap me into line and wake me up to what was standing in front of me.

When I stepped back into the room it was empty. Jake was gone. I was cold and alone – served me right. I threw on some clothes, sat on the bed and pulled the blanket over me. I need to make this right somehow, I had to try and explain to Jake what was going on in this thick head of mine. I just didn't know what to say… _hey that was my first time, it was wonderful, I know I love you but I can't give you what you want_ - that just wasn't going to cut it.

After an hour and a half of my contemplating, the door handle turned and in walked Jake. I sighed a big sigh of relief, I wasn't sure whether he was coming back. I thought maybe he got so sick of my sadistic treatment of him that he decided to dump my sorry ass in Seattle and drive home alone.

I opened my mouth to speak. "Hey." Oh my God, my eloquence prevailed again. "Where'd you go?"

"Just walked around to give you some space," Jake replied as he shrugged his shoulders. God, he was so thoughtful even after I'd just done the 'crazy morning after act' on him.

He stared at me like I was supposed to say something but nothing came out so he began. "I don't want things to be weird with us. But what the hell Bells?"

"I don't know. I can't… I'm not… Fuck!, I don't even know what to say," I screamed into the pillow.

"It's _me_. It's Jake. Just say whatever you're feeling. _Please._" The look on his face was tortured - I owed him some sort of explanation.

"Look, I know what a normal girl would do after… you know, but I don't know if I'm ready to give you all that. You deserve so much more than some messed up wreck."

He walked over to the bed and knelt down as he took my hands in his. He lowered his head and rested his forehead on my folded hands. As he lifted his face to align with mine, his heavy brows dropped over his eyes and I saw unspent tears welling there. And he continued.

"I really felt like you were admitting last night, that this _thing_ we have is real and magic and…" he paused and swallowed hard. "I thought this was it, we were so close and I saw it in your eyes, you let me into your heart I know you did." Jake closed his eyes and added quietly, "just let me stay there Bella… _please!_"

"I still need… I don't know just some space and time to process it all," I tried to explain "I _know_ I love you, but I don't want to ruin this. I'm nineteen, you're seventeen, we're still kids. It shouldn't be so serious."

"Wow. I know what I want and that's not gonna change. One, two, three days, months or years won't make a difference to me."

"Well ok then, let's just give it some time and see what happens." In that instant he dropped my hands, took a deep breath and stood up, his eyes not meeting mine for the first time.

"Time apart?" he asked. I don't know what he saw on my face but he pressed "Are you planning on leaving?"

"I, I'm… maybe yeah," I confessed. I hadn't really known it till this precise moment.

"Oh my God, Bella! You're just scared and running away isn't the answer. I'm scared shitless too but it's me and you, just Jake and Bells. We can figure it out along the way. _Please._"

I shook my head hard from side to side. "I'm not taking chances with you Jake, with _us. _It's too important."

"Bella please! Just stay and we'll work it out together, don't run away."

"I'm not running Jake. I have college to think about and my future." I was clutching at straws - this had nothing to do with college, he knew me too well.

I did want to run away, I wasn't sure I could survive another all consuming relationship right now. I was just finding myself again. Why didn't I just say that? A part of me was hesitant to admit the depths of these feelings that bubbled inside, to Jake or to myself. So I pushed down on them.

"Bullshit, you're fucking scared and you want to get as far away from me as you can." He shut his eyes tight. "I'm outta here," he spat.

The pain in his face was excruciating for me to witness. I was the cause of it which made it that much harder.

Right then I saw him give up, he shrugged his shoulders in defeat. "We need to check out, I'll meet you at the car." He grabbed his bag which was already packed and stormed off. I didn't blame him from wanting to get away from me. I would too – I wanted to run and lose myself in something, anything to wipe that vision of Jake's face from my memory. I threw everything in my bag and walked out the door.

_What did I just do?_ I had to explain it better, in a way that didn't seem like I was rejecting the idea of 'us'. I couldn't do this now, I did want some time out but I also had these undeniable feelings that I was just scratching the surface of.

I took the stairs to the basement parking lot. I felt sick to the stomach at the thought of how our drive home would be. Complete polar opposite of what the initial drive up was. How could everything be so different in 2 days?

As I walked past a grey SUV and turned round to the Rabbit, I saw Jake standing with his back to me, shaking with his fists at his side. As I rounded him I saw why.


	7. Undone

**Authors Note - so this is another Jacob POV chapter. So read on to find out how he processed Bella's epic freak out. Enjoy!**

**Thanks for the kind reviews :-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**I'd Die Without You' by PM Dawn**___

Is it my turn to hold you by your hands.  
Tell you I love you and you not hear me.  
Is it my turn to totally understand.  
To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing.

**Chapter 7 – Undone**

**Jacob's POV**

I let out a huge sigh of frustration when Bella slammed the bathroom door closed. I don't know what the hell I was expecting after last night, but least of all _this_. When I woke up feeling that she was still in my arms, I honestly thought it was all gonna be okay. But clearly Bella wasn't feeling the same.

'Hey' – was that really all I was gonna get?

I huffed and grabbed my jeans and tee and threw them on. Maybe she just needed some space alone and if that's what she needed then that's what she was gonna get. I put my shoes on and walked to the bathroom door. As I raised my fist to knock, I had second thoughts. I'd just let her be.

I made my way out of the hotel and grabbed a coffee and headed to a park to sit and think.

Did she regret last night? Is that why she was so distant? Thoughts invaded my head that weren't welcome. Maybe she was still in love with the leech.

I thought about all the daydreaming I'd been doing lately about what life would be like with Bells. Living together, waking up every morning bathed in her smell, coming home to her every day, marriage, children, lounging in bed on weekends with our babies, building a life and a home together. Man this is what dreams are made of. I would make it my purpose to make Bella Swan as blissfully happy as she could be.

Could I have imagined it all? I felt her admitting, giving in to what I knew all along that we could be. I saw it in her eyes when I asked her if she was sure, burning craving and yearning for me. And I wanted that too, I wanted us to be so close and connected that we were one. We didn't need to speak any words, our purpose spoken with our eyes, it was just an understanding between two halves of a whole.

I longed to make love to her, it was more than that to me, it was like I was proving my love to her with actions. God I sound like a sappy girl, man the guys would get a laugh out of hearing my inner monologue right now. I'd never hear the end of it.

But now, I was just so mystified with Bella's behavior. I must admit that I am afraid, afraid that she's going to deny last night and what we had, that she's going to deny her feelings for me and worst of all that she was going to deny us of a chance at being together. I swallowed hard and fear racked through me. How would I handle it if she chose not to be with me? After last night, knowing how it would be – surely I'd die.

I pulled myself together and tossed the coffee cup in a trash can on my way back to the hotel. Not sure how long it had been but I thought it best to just face the music. I walked back into the room and there she was, curled up on the bed wrapped in a blanket. She asked where I'd gone and I told her that I thought space was called for.

She was silent, just stared at me with those chocolate eyes. I knew she was at a loss so I just spoke as honestly as I could explaining that I didn't want things to be weird but what the hell?

My heart started pounding in my chest and her hesitant response proved my fears right.

"I don't know, I can't… I'm not… FUCK, I don't even know what to say" she yelled as uncertainty filled the room.

I pleaded with her to just tell me what she was feeling, but instantly I saw her walls rising and she was gonna lock me out. Fuck!

I begged, literally begged, reminding her that I knew she let me into her heart last night and I just wanted her to let me stay there. I begged again.

She spun some shit about needing time. Fuck that was rich, I'd been pining for her for so long and _she_ needed more time. I was fucking angry. Then I had this horrid sinking feeling like this 'time' she needed was time apart and something nagged at my heart that she was gonna leave so I asked point blank.

I wasn't prepared for the response and it knocked the wind out of me. And again I begged and pleaded. She told me she didn't want to risk us because it was too important, but then why the fuck was she giving up? Cause that's what she was doing, I've fought for her and she was giving up on me, on _us_.

Then she threw some excuses about college and shit in my face and I was fucking mad. I said exactly what my brain was screaming "Bullshit, you're fucking scared and you want to get as far away from me as you can, I'm outta here"

Honest - that's about the most honest thing that came out of that conversation.

I'm done. She just stomped on my heart and I begged and then begged some more. I'm so done.

Told her I'd meet her at the car and I walked out slamming the door. FUCK! God it hurt, I wasn't prepared for the pain. Actions speak louder than words some may say but if she can't say it out loud what the hell difference does it make? If she can't say it, it's not real - to her anyway.

This wasn't how it was meant to be. God my heart hurt – literally my chest was aching, raw with emotion, I hated this feeling. My eyes burned with the wetness. I just wanted to scream and run and hit and lash out. Fuck I wish I was in La Push so I could be a wolf and let go.

I dropped the key off at the desk and took the stairs to the car park. I stopped dead in my tracks. _Shit_! The smell registered instantly. Bloodsucker.


	8. Devastation

**Author's Note - I think you may all hate me after this one! But drama is the spice of life girls, and we are talking about Bella after all. Deep breath!**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

'**Stronger' by Lamb**

I'm so afraid  
Something is broken now  
Too much been said  
To wipe it clean somehow

**Chapter 8 – Devastation**

There he stood, like a statue. I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. How was this possible? It felt like some sick nightmare.

"Bella. Hello," he said in his surreal voice.

"Edward," I breathed. I shook my head and shut my eyes tight, they burned with the tears that were threatening to come. "Why are you here?"

"I've been tracking Victoria and I noticed your scent last night and followed it. I saw you with Jacob, I couldn't leave without at least speaking with you."

The entire time Jacob still had his back toward me and I could tell his chest was heaving from the exertion of trying to maintain his composure and not phase right there.

Edward was here, right in front of me and all I wanted to do was run away. How dare he think that it's ok for him to just show up? He didn't want me and now he wanted to talk?

"Edward, I don't want to hear anything you have to say."

"Bella, just let me explain… my actions, my leaving you and why I did," he pleaded. His amber eyes spilling over with emotion but his face remained stoic. He didn't move an inch, glued to the spot. Perhaps the threat of Jacob's presence or the uncertainty of my reaction.

The feelings of his departure flooded back in my mind and I wasn't ready for this confrontation. "I don't want to hear your excuses. I get it, you didn't want me anymore… I get it."

His brow pulled together and he took a step forward provoking to Jake take a menacing stride closer in retaliation. This was a bad situation that needed to be neutralized. I moved forward and rounded Jacob to position myself between them, facing Edward with Jake at arms length behind me. The proximity to Edward was so close that if I reached out I could touch him.

Jacob closed the distance between he and I and grabbed my wrist of the hand closest to him. I knew this gesture was regarding safety so I let it be.

Edward eyed Jake's hand clutching me but continued. "No Bella. I just felt it was best that I not complicate your life and put you in danger," he clarified. "Can you please just allow me to explain?"

My heart throbbed as my pulse thundered in my ears. I was becoming undone again, with just one glance he made all those feelings flood back - his perfect face, his bronze hair, the smell of his sweet breath. My head whirled and I slumped to the ground.

When I came to I was lying on a bed, clearly a hotel room but not the same Jake and I had. Edward was hovering above me and Jake was standing in the doorway still with his mechanical stance, face hard and unreadable.

Edward ran his cold hand over my forehead and down my cheek, a shiver ensued as his thumb came to rest at the corner of my mouth. I quickly moved his hand away, the gesture too intimate now.

"There, she's fine you can let us be now Jacob," Edward snapped.

"Fuck you Cullen! I'm not leaving until she asks me to. You think you can just show up and turn her world upside down? Things are different, she's different, I was…" Jacob paused and looked at me, searching my face as he resumed, "…here for her when you left her broken."

"Yes. I see how _different_ things are," Edward spat, his face changed to pure anger as Jacob and I looked at each other realizing that Edward knew exactly what happened with Jake and I. "His memories are very clear" he confirmed as my face burnt red with shame.

"Stay the fuck out of my head," Jacob spat through his teeth. "It _is_ different," Jake said with snide smirk at Edward, as if giving him mental pictures.

_Oh God!_ I was mortified that Jacob stooped so low, that he would give Edward a glance into our intimacy just to prove a point. Those were our memories alone and I felt robbed of that.

Edward's expression turned blank.

"Jake! What the hell are you doing? That was… just for you and I… why?" and the tears fell like boulders.

Edward took three long strides and was face to face with Jacob. I leapt off the bed and ran to take my stance between them. "Stop!" I yelled. "Edward, can you give me a minute?" I asked. He obliged and stepped through another doorway in the room and closed it behind him.

"Bella, let's just go. I'm sorry but I just got furious and he needed to know that…"

I cut him off. "No! The only thing he _needed_ to know was that I was past it. Past him and past that awful mess. He doesn't have any right to see me… _that_ way. That was so intimate, it was ours and no-one else's, and you gave it away."

"I'm… I'm so sorry. That was the most fucked up thing ever. Let's just go. You don't owe him anything, don't give him a chance to get his hooks into you again. Please," he begged his face filled with sorrow and pain.

"I'm going to stay and talk to him," I said meekly.

"Are you fucking insane? Bella you've taken steps forward in moving on. Please don't make this mistake and go back there."

"It's _my_ mistake to make Jake. You can go now, I'll find my own way home."

Jake was livid and he closed the gap between us. He stood before me struggling with himself before he punched a hole in the wall as he ran past me through the door. I'd never witnessed him so aggressive towards me and the tears flowed freely now. Edward was at my side in a heart beat and wrapped his cold limbs around me - I shivered involuntarily. I was accustomed to heat again and this gave me chills.

"Oh Bella. How I have missed your beautiful face," he mused.

"Edward, i… I'm not… this doesn't-" I sighed, "-this doesn't change anything."

"Bella, I thought I was doing the best thing for you, leaving you to allow you to find happiness and lead a normal human life. And now you're mixed up with a werewolf?"

"You didn't want me anymore. Those were the words that you left me with. Do you know what that did to me?"

"I was reckless with my explanation but I had to tell you what would make you believe I would never come back." He looked sincere but my wounds cut too deep.

"Why are you back?" I questioned.

"I was never planning on returning, I've been tracking Victoria and when I came across your scent last night, I… thought I was imagining things. When I saw you, I just couldn't be selfless anymore and I had to see you and if you still love me."

"Edward, i… I can't go back, I just _can't_."

"Shh… Oh Bella," he breathed as he held my face between his hands. His intoxicating scent made me dizzy. His nose traced the line of my jaw and I couldn't see straight, my eyes burned and I was lost in his mesmerizing presence. "God how I've missed you, Bella. I've thought about how many ways I would show you that," he sighed into my ear as it sent a chill of excitement through me.

My anger for him mingled with my desire for him and set about a new emotion in me. "Show me then," I breathed with a heavy heart. In a split second he was devouring my mouth and neck and being as reckless as I had ever known him to be. My brain screamed at me to stop, but my heart burned for him and I gave in. I hit the off switch in my mind and surrendered to my senses.

I hurt with his hard touch. I fumbled with the buttons on his shirt as I pulled it off. I practically tore the buttons on mine as he tore off my shirt and began kissing and licking my chest. His cool tongue left trails of goose bumps over me. I unzipped my jeans, kicking them off quickly and reached out for his and did the same. He looked like Adonis carved in granite kneeling in front of my on the bed. He pushed me back onto the bed and pried my legs apart with his knee. He lay on top of me and the cold of his skin nearly knocked the wind out of me and I gasped – he didn't notice.

He ravished my chest and sucked at the mound of my breast. He pressed his groin into my hip and I arched my back at the force. His trailed down to my panties and slid his hand into them before thrusting his fingers inside me. Pain shot through and I instinctively crawled backwards and winced. My brain kicked into gear and overrode my emotions and I yelled "Ouch. Stop!"

My chest heaved with breathlessness and I pulled my knees to my chest, I hurt all over. He stared at me with his amber eyes but didn't speak. "I can't do this. It's not what I want. I'm sorry"

"But it was with Jacob?" he spat with bitter overtones.

I felt like I'd been slapped in the face, how dare he question that? "That's none of your business. Not anymore." I leapt off the bed and pulled my jeans on, I grabbed my shirt and put my arms in not even bothering to do the buttons up.

"Edward, I love him," I clarified. "I don't want you anymore, I want Jake. I don't like who I was with you and I don't want to go back there."

"Bella-" he began but I cut him off

"No Edward, _he_ is the one I choose." I grabbed my bag and shoes in my hands before continuing. "Please don't come after me. Goodbye." And I ran out the door.

As I got out of the lift in the lobby of the hotel I realized I had no way of getting home. I didn't care I just needed to get out of here and I bolted for the entrance to this plush hotel. As I spilled onto the street there he was – Jacob - leaning against the Rabbit. He looked me over, he saw my bare feet, my open shirt, the marks on my skin.

Revulsion replaced the pain in his eyes. _What have I done?_ I thought.

"Walk of shame?" He scoffed a false laugh as he and stood in front the drivers seat.

"It's not like that… I… I'm," I stuttered, unsure of how to explain this.

"God, look at you. Save the excuses Bella, I don't have to read minds to see, to _know_ what…" He shook his head. "Fuck this and fuck you Bella! Did we mean so little to you? Don't even answer – I don't care anymore," he screamed furiously as he opened the door to get in.

"Jake, please, I didn't…"

But he was gone before I could even finish

**A/N - Bella jumping right back into Edward's arms - be easy on the girl, God knows i've run back to an ex-boyfriend too many times to count when i've been hurt and he wasn't a vampire who drew me in like a moth to a flame. Please let me know what you think ;-)**


	9. Consequences

**Author's Note - Long delay for this chapter, been sick UGH! Enjoy, chapter after this one will be Jacob POV :-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**Feela' by Lamb**_

_You saw me crying but you didn't want to look  
You heard me hurting but you didn't want to listen_

_This could have been something  
This could have been really something  
Tell me something more  
Tell me something more worth living for_

**Chapter 9 – Consequences**

**-THAT NIGHT-**

I got home late that night, I'd caught a bus to Port Angeles then another back home and I had hours to think about everything. I'd fucked it all up so royally. God, true Bella style!

Charlie was already in bed which I was grateful for, I looked horrendous after hours of crying and the bruises at Edwards's hands. I shook my head trying to remove those memories from my mind. They were no good and would only tarnish the ones of Jake and I that I held so close. The tears flowed again as I realized that would most likely be the first and last time with Jake. He would never forgive me – heck I wouldn't either.

I tiptoed up the creeky stairs trying to be covert with my entrance.

"Bella, is that you?" Charlie _was_ awake.

"Umm, yeah. Sorry I'm so late."

"Just get some sleep we'll talk tomorrow."

Sleep evaded me and all I thought about was Jake.

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

Charlie left for work and I had been waiting for him to leave before I made my exit. I headed straight for the bathroom and surveyed the damage in the mirror. _Damn_, these bruises stood out, I'd have to wear them like badges of dishonor. I trudged back to my room and dug out my highest turtleneck sweater. I dressed after a quick shower and ran a brush through my hair. In my room I emptied my overnight bag and put the clothes in the hamper. I grabbed one of the t-shirts and God it was saturated in Jake's scent, I inhaled deeply. I _had_ to do something.

The last thing I wanted to do today was go to school. I shook my head, grabbed my bag and hopped in the cab of my truck. I leaned my forehead against the wheel, sucked in a big breath, backed up and headed for La Push. Not sure where the balls to make this grand gesture came from but I thought I'd better strike while I had it in me.

As I turned the last corner to Jake's house, the butterflies kicked in and I was thoroughly nauseous. I jogged up to the door and knocked.

"Bella," Billy's voice boomed from inside.

"Umm, hi Billy. Is Jake here?" I asked bobbing my head in.

"No!" he replied firmly.

"Oh, can I umm… leave a note?"

"He's gone."

"Okay. If you could just pass it on when he gets home and…"

He cut me off. "He's _gone_ Bella."

"What? Where? For how long? Why?" I questioned frantically.

He sighed. "I don't know. He grabbed a bag and left late last night."

"Will he be back?"

"Eventually I hope." Billy looked heartbroken. "I think it best you be on your way Bella," he said as he rolled his chair away.

That was harsh - but fair I guess. I decided I would write a note and leave it Jake's garage, at least he'd find it there. Some how I thought if I gave Billy anything to pass on it would mysteriously end up in the trash.

I grabbed my bag out of the truck and made my way into his garage. The smell of grease and oil was somehow comforting and I pulled out a pen and notebook and began:

_Dear Jake,_

_I don't even know where to start, I'm sorry for what happened._

_He and I did not sleep together. But I have to be honest and tell you that it was heading that way, but I realized that I don't want him and I stopped. _

_I love you Jake! I don't know what I'm asking of you but please I need you, I want you. I'm not going anywhere and I'll be right here when you get back. _

_I don't need time away from you, I am scared, you were right about that. I just want to be with you forever._

_Our bonds are shackle free._

_Love always, Bella_

**-THE NEXT WEEK-**

He still wasn't back.

I wasn't sure whether he would come back – to me anyway.

I didn't think I could survive this, not again. The abandonment was just too much a second time around, and I didn't have my personal sun to put me back together. I didn't want to go but I planned to leave the following month if he hadn't come back.

I would move to Phoenix, to my old house and enroll in a Community College. I told Charlie, who funnily enough, thought it would do me good. Charlie and Billy weren't on speaking terms - over me of course.

I drove to his house. I tried the house but Billy wasn't there. I went to the garage and picked up the letter, I added to it:

_Jake, _

_How much longer? I'm not coping being away from you. No one to hold me together like only you could._

_Why aren't you back yet? Please come back to me._

_Bella_

**-THE NEXT MONTH-**

Still no Jacob.

Where was he? Where could he be?

I was hanging on by a thread, I couldn't leave. Will he be home soon?

I drove to his house, I didn't even try the house, I went directly to the garage and added to my letter

_Jake,_

_I'm lost without you. Where are you?_

_I can't bear this, all alone – it's much too much_

_I told myself I would leave if you weren't home by now._

_Would you even care?_

_Bella_

**-TWO MONTHS LATER-**

It was Thanksgiving.

I had nothing to be thankful for, he was still gone.

I was catatonic. I wore a mask all the time to hide the pain. A façade.

**-THREE MONTHS LATER-**

Nothing.

Empty nothingness - that's what my dreams consisted of.

My waking hours - a robot, going through the motions. One last time. This would be it. Just this one last time.

I drove to La Push, banged on the door and Billy answered.

"Bella. What can I do for you?"

I took a deep breath to steady myself. "Where is he?"

"He hasn't come back," he said shaking his head.

"Where is he?" My mask was slipping and the tears were burning my eyes. "You're his father, he cares too much to leave you wondering. _Please_," I begged.

Billy sighed. "He's fine. He's not ready to come back."

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. "Can you tell me where he is?"

"No Bella, I can't"

I was livid. "Tell me! Please!" I screamed and fell to my knees on Jake's rickety porch. I'd reached rock bottom and this was my queue to leave. Not just Jake's house but Forks.

Billy pat the top of my head. "Go home Bella."

I took a breath and ran to the garage, I grabbed my pen and wrote:

_Jake,_

_I'm leaving, this is goodbye._

_I love you… still._

I left the day after Christmas.


	10. Escape

**Author's Note - Thought i'd put this up quickly as i'd had such a long break between Chapter 8 & 9. So this is another Jacob POV, i hope i do him justice.**

**Enjoy and thanks for reading my little story ;-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_**'Nothingman' by Pearl Jam**_

_Once divided, There's nothing left to subtract.  
Some words when spoken, Can't be taken back._

_...And he who forgets, Will be destined to remember._

**Chapter 10 – Escape**

**Jacob's POV**

Gutted. Absolutely fucking gutted, that's how I felt when she asked me to leave her with that leech. It took everything I am to walk away. Every fiber of my being, every ounce of restraint, every inch of the wolf that lived in me was screaming at me and tearing at my insides to get her away from him.

But I left.

I rubbed my fist that now throbbed a little from the wall I punched – I smirked when I thought of how much they'd charge the asshole for the damage. I couldn't leave; I had to know she was ok. Besides I was her ride home, I'd never leave her here stranded even though she asked me to. I would wait till she came out and then maybe we could have round 2 of trying to work shit out, cause round 1 was brutal.

She was livid with anger, served me right. I stupidly flashed some thoughts of Bella and I to Eddie. Her naked body on mine, her hands on me, my mouth on her, me _inside_ her. God damn it – I was an idiot! Why would I even want him to know her that way, he never did and never would – hopefully.

Things could not be left this way. This was insane, it was just me and Bella for fucks sake – we were not complicated, no dramas, we would sort through it.

I leaned against the Rabbit and stared at the sky, waiting.

I caught her scent before I caught sight of her, her scent mingled with his stench. My head snapped down to see her stumbling onto the footpath, shoes in one hand, bag in the other.

My breath caught in my throat. Her shirt was unbuttoned, chest heaving, faint marks on her chest and neck were appearing from where too much pressure had been forced against her flesh. My initial thought was that he'd forced himself on her.

Her eyes met mine and I knew that was _not_ the case.

I saw guilt branded in her stare.

"Walk of shame?" I asked stupidly.

She stammered something, I wasn't even listening. My heart was pounding in my ears and I wanted to explode with rage.

I told her to save her excuses, that I didn't need to read her mind to know what happened.

_Fuck this and fuck you Bella… did we mean so little to you? Don't even answer – I don't care anymore_; those were the last words I spoke to Bella Swan – love of my life.

I jumped into the driver's seat and took off as fast as I could. My mind racing faster than my shitty car would allow. Nausea rose up in my gut as I thought of that filthy fucking corpse touching her. How could she? My ego had taken a massive beating but my heart was bashed to smithereens beyond recognition.

How could this girl who I loved with all that I was, who I made love to just last night now provoke such disgust and hatred?

**-THAT NIGHT-**

By the time I got back to La Push the rage had simmered. My chest ached with my heavy heart. I had nothing left to give, I gave her every last thread of myself and it was not enough. I was so done.

Now I wanted to run away. To get as far as I could from Bella Swan and forget the strangle hold she had on my heart. Forget the bond I shared with her. Forget the future I built in my head and heart for us.

I stomped through the house into my room. I grabbed the bag off my arm and turned it upside down to empty it on the floor. I rummaged through some drawers and tossed in some random clothes, my savings from fixing cars around the res – these savings had taken a considerable drop after my present to Bella, my wallet and grabbed my keys, second thoughts, I didn't need a car.

As I walked down the hall, I stopped at my dad's room. He was sleeping and I didn't have the heart to wake him, what the hell would I tell him? I took that extra second to take him in – wasn't sure when I'd see him again – and he awoke.

"Son? What is it?" he asked.

Man he knew me too well. What the fuck was I gonna tell him?

"Uh, I gotta get away for a bit dad," I sighed and a sob broke through. "Shit happened with Bella and I just can't… be here right now."

"Jacob, now you listen to me," he started but I cut him off.

"I'm outta here dad, I'm… sorry."

"Son, where will you go?"

"I honestly don't know, I'll let you know i'm ok though."

"When will you be back?"

I shook my head. "Some day… soon," I smirked at him. "Bye dad, love you."

"I love you too son."

And that was our goodbye.

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

I opened my eyes. I was disoriented. I looked around at the tall trees over my head and the leaves and moss under my paws.

Yes, I was the wolf. I had run last night after I left, just run to nowhere specific, merely away from her. Wasn't really sure where I was or what I was gonna do. Didn't have a plan or a destination. I was lost.

**-THE NEXT WEEK-**

I didn't have anywhere to go but I couldn't go back. Not yet.

I roamed aimlessly through Canada.

I wondered where she was. Did she leave Forks?

**-THE NEXT MONTH-**

Not sure how but I ended up in Hawaii.

Rebecca lived here with her husband Tama. It had been forever since I last saw her and even though I was closer to Rachael, I couldn't imagine Rach would want her little bro hanging around while she was busy with college and stuff.

When I ended up on Bec's door step she was surprised to say the least. But she opened her home to me as did Tama. My savings were drained and I needed some money so Tama set me up with a job as a surf instructor at the resort he worked at. It didn't pay very well but hey, beggars can't be choosers right?

I didn't want to cramp their style but Bec was totally understanding and insisted I could stay as long as I wanted. Dad was stoked that at least I ended up with one of my sisters, he was happy I was doing ok and I guess I was.

I didn't think about her much any more. I had neatly placed all those feelings in a vault and forced it shut – forgotten.

**-TWO MONTHS LATER-**

It was Thanksgiving soon, I'd never spent Thanksgiving away from La Push or my dad, this would be a first.

Rachael came to visit. She was gonna spend Christmas with dad and had come here to convince me to go with her.

Not yet. Wasn't ready to go back, the possibility of facing her was just too much – forgotten.

**-THREE MONTHS LATER-**

I had my first Hawaiian Christmas. Climate was all wrong but everything else felt ok.

I'd made some friends, they worked at the resort. They were pretty cool. A bunch of us would hang out at the beach after work or days off – it felt kinda like La Push except it was hot.

Makani was a Hawaiian native, he was a tour guide. He was laid back and reserved. He was 20 and was working to get enough money to leave the island. Everyone thought he was deranged – who'd want to actually leave this heavenly place? But he had grand plans of his own. He wanted to study engineering.

Nash was originally from Rhode Island, he had tanned skin and a hell of a lot of tattoos. He was 23 and was a bit of a Casanova – he bedded all the cute holiday makers – they should have really had him in the resort brochure as one of the main attractions.

Leilani was Hawaiian through and through. She was 19. She had that native thing going on with the long dark mane of hair and beautiful rounded figure. She was a dancer and ran classes at the resort.

Then there was Zoe. She was a blonde California girl. She moved to Hawaii 4 years ago when she was 18. Zoe was a firecracker. She was sorta the female version of Nash. She worked in the spa of the resort as a masseuse. I must admit she had awesome hands – the things that girl could do.

I'd kept the real reason for my sudden move to Hawaii on the down low from all of them, except Leilani. She was easy to talk to and had deep eyes that made you want to confess your darkest secrets to her. I told her about Bella and even mentioned Eddie, keeping the supernatural stuff out of it. She thought I was in denial about being _okay_ with it all now, she urged me to contact Bella and sort our crap out.

My dad never mentioned her – neither did I – forgotten.

I didn't dare remember.


	11. Reunions

**Author's Note – The only wolves in this story are the ones that had phased in New Moon so Sam, Jared, Paul, Embry and Jacob.**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**These are my twisted words' by Radiohead**_

_These are my twisted words, When I feel you still walking  
I know I should not look down, But I'm so sick of just talking_

_When are you coming back? I just can't handle it  
When are you coming back? I just can't handle it_

**Chapter 11 – Reunions**

**Jacob POV**

Seven months, one week and three days.

That's how long I had been away from La Push. And away from _her_. It was my dad's birthday, his 60th and we flying in for his big party this weekend. It would be great to see dad, and the pack, it'd been too long. Of course I spoke to dad often and the guys every now and again. She was never mentioned.

Was she still in Forks? Had she moved away? I didn't have the balls to ask. It didn't really matter till now - now that I had to go back for a celebration when my heart was still mourning her loss. Damn, I didn't think about her much after I'd locked that shit up, but now with my trip home it was all so raw and unresolved.

I was finishing up work, it was Friday and we were leaving in the morning. I locked the surfboards away in the garage and was making my way through the pool area to the staff lounge to get my stuff together. I rounded the deckchairs when I felt hands on my neck.

"I'd know those hands anywhere," I said firmly.

"Hmm, really? I'm _that_ good am I?" Zoe responded snidely.

"Don't flatter yourself sweetie," I scoffed at her bravado. Man she was full of herself, the kind of girl whose bubble you just wanted to burst, only 'cause she got under your skin so much with her self assurance.

"So you're saying you've had better?" she said while digging her nails into my right bicep.

"Ouch! Easy there, you're gonna dig holes in my arm."

"You feel tense Jake, how about a… rub?" she breathed. Sexual innuendo oozing out of her mouth. Ugh, God she annoyed me, nonetheless she was a friend.

"Not if _you_ paid _me._" I let out a half assed laugh.

"Seriously, are you ok?" she asked looking relatively sincere. "I can flash my rack at Brad and get some drinks for us". I rolled my eyes. Brad was one of the guys who worked the bar by the pool.

"Sure, why the fuck not. Go flash your assets," I said gesturing at her sweet tits with my hand. She had a rockin' bod, not that it mattered, I wouldn't touch Zoe with a ten foot pole.

A few minutes later she sauntered over with some towels and a bottle of vodka half full. _Ugh, this might get ugly_. I must say my poor liver had taken a beating since working here and hanging out with these guys. Damn they drank booze like it was holy water, even Leilani who was the most level headed of us.

We walked a bit and sat on the towels under a tree up on the sand dunes. I was buzzed from the vodka already, never took much for me, especially after a day working in the sun.

"So spill it Black. What's the problem?" she questioned with a cocked eyebrow.

"Just been a while since I've been home that's all," I replied as I took a huge swig of the bottle.

"And…" she pushed, "so who you nervous about seeing?"

Was I that transparent?

"Just a girl" I winced at the utter lie that had left my mouth. Like she was just _any_ girl. But what was I supposed to say? She handed me the bottle again.

"Drink," she demanded. "So this _girl,_ was she your girlfriend?"

Fuck, now I would sound deranged. How to answer – _uh no, but I loved her more than my own life and I gave her everything I had in me but it wasn't enough_ – I don't think so.

"Um, not exactly." I settled with that.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She let loose, "She wasn't even your girlfriend and here you are pining like a baby?"

Ouch, that stung. I couldn't look Zoe in the eye, I felt ridiculous. Fuck she was such a bitch. That is the reason I never spoke to her about this shit. I wanted to tell her she was an asshole but there was some truth to her statement. What the fuck was I doing? I wanted to tell her to just fuck off but when my eyes locked on hers she must have seen my pain. She wasn't that heartless after all.

"I guess I am kinda pathetic huh?" I tried to laugh it off.

"Hey. I'm… I'm a bitch… sorry," her eyes softened a little, didn't suit her at all.

"Agreed. Let's change the subject. So… who've screwed lately?" It wasn't a crude question, Zoe bragged about her conquests as candidly as Nash did about his.

"Well umm, that hot Italian guy Roberto," she fluttered her eyelids and fanned her face, then her expression changed. "Her loss you know, the _girl_. You're an awesome catch."

"Thanks Zoe," I muttered. That was the first real compliment I'd gotten from her. Well one that wasn't about my body or appearance anyways. "Don't you get any ideas now."

"Ugh! Puh-lease, I wouldn't risk jail for fucking you, maybe when you turn 18," she joked with a wink. And with that she stood up and took my arm to drag me up. "Come on before Tama kills me for getting you hammered."

The next morning I woke up with a mammoth hangover. And to top it off I had to haul ass to the airport to catch a plane. Ugh. I popped on my shades and lay my head back on the tiny seat in cattle class. Bec's constant yapping about my underage drinking was grating at my brain so I pulled my ipod out of my pocket and stuck the ear pieces in my ears as far as they'd go to drown out her voice and I drifted to sleep with Pearl Jam raging.

We were flying into Seattle where we were meeting Rach, then renting a car to make our way back to La Push. We were about a half hour out of Seattle when I startled myself from my slumber and ripped the ear phones from my head. I leaned my head back and grit my teeth. Damn, I'd have to take Placebo off my playlist – too many memories.

Before I knew it we were driving down the 101 through Forks. I pressed my forehead against the cold window in the back seat to soothe my headache. As we rounded the corner to Bella's house I closed my eyes – tight. Fuck this hurt, like picking at a scab from an old wound and making it bleed again. I didn't want to bleed for her again.

"We've passed it Jake, it's ok," Rach reassured me as she squeezed my leg in a sympathetic gesture. Shit, must everyone know how pathetic I am? Bec or dad must have told her.

I couldn't help myself and I turned to look over my shoulder and I saw her red truck parked out front as the house faded from view. Pick, pick, pick at that fucking scab.

My mood lightened slightly as I heard the crunch of gravel in my dad's driveway. I hopped out of the cramped backseat and ran up the porch to find my dad wheeling himself out the door.

"Hey old man," I yelled as I knelt down to give him a big hug. "Looking good dad."

He beamed at me. "You look great son."

I let dad and my sisters catch up while I went to check out the get up for this party. The pack was helping out put up a makeshift marquee for the gathering. I got bowled over as Jared and Embry tackled me with their overzealousness. I got a half assed handshake from Sam who was still pissed at my MIA from the pack. A scowl and slap across the head from Paul and a warm hug from Emily.

My dad's new 'friend' Joy was inside cooking up a storm with Sue Clearwater and others from the res were in and out all day getting ready for tonight. Charlie Swan was no where to be seen.

"Dad, is Charlie coming?" The words left my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.

"Not sure son, we're not as _friendly_ as what we used to be," he confessed.

Dad's best friend was not so much any more because of me and her. I didn't know what to say. "Sorry." I twitched the corner of my mouth into as much of a smile I could muster.

The party was the happening place for this Saturday night. Every Quileute from the res was here and with food cooking and booze flowing everyone was having a great old time. Dad was clearly touched by the gathering in his honor and especially pleased to have his kids together in the one place. I tried to keep my game face on – aka a happy smile – as much as I could and while I was happy to see everyone and be here, my heart also ached at what or _who_ in this case, was missing.

I grabbed a beer and headed out to sit under a tree and take it all in. I stared at the line of trees surrounding this old house and remembered the countless times Bella and I had disappeared between those trees to run down to First Beach. Then my heart caught in my throat when I saw Charlie's cruiser pull up.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, my throat was closing over from the sheer panic that was overtaking me. My legs were like jelly and I couldn't stand up so I just sat there gasping. I saw Charlie step out of the cruiser when something inside me clicked – I couldn't see her, that fucking scab would never heal, so I crawled up on my knees and got up on my feet and walked away to my garage. It'd always been my sanctuary so I guess it could double as my hideout too.

I opened the door and was greeted by the familiar smell of grease and metal. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it and breathed out a huge breath. I brought my head down and our bikes came into view. Memories of us riding these bikes down dirt roads came rising up from that place where I'd been locking them all up. Bella fearless and free, hair blowing in the wind and her beautiful smile on her face. God how I missed her. I missed my best friend, I missed her smell, her soft hands in mine, hanging out in this garage talking about shit – fuck I still loved her God damn it. Could I go back to being her friend?

My chest stung with the emptiness that she used to fill that I physically grabbed at it. I would have cried but it reminded me so much of how she would wrap her arms around herself like she was trying to _hold_ herself together after that leech left her, and it mad me mad. I took two long strides to the bikes and kicked them over and they crashed to the floor.

My sanctuary was no longer that – it was a torture chamber of memories of better times. I walked over to the bench where I'd left my beer and noticed a piece of paper folded over with a spanner on top of it. On it in neat writing it said 'Jake' and my heart sank when I instantly recognized it. I picked it up with shaky hands and unfolded the paper. I swallowed hard and looked down at it.

_Dear Jake,_

_I don't even know where to start, I'm sorry for what happened._

_He and I did not sleep together. But I have to be honest and tell you that it was heading that way, but I realized that I don't want him and I stopped. _

_I love you Jake! I don't know what I'm asking of you but please I need you, I want you. I'm not going anywhere and I'll be right here when you get back. _

_I don't need time away from you, I am scared, you were right about that. I just want to be with you forever._

_Our bonds are shackle free._

_Love always, Bella_

_Jake, _

_How much longer? I'm not coping being away from you. No one to hold me together like only you could._

_Why aren't you back yet? Please come back to me._

_Bella_

_Jake,_

_I'm lost without you. Where are you?_

_I can't bear this, all alone – it's much too much_

_I told myself I would leave if you weren't home by now._

_Would you even care?_

_Bella_

_Jake,_

_I'm leaving, this is goodbye._

_I love you… still._

Pain, hurt, grief swamped my heart and mind, and again I clutched at my chest. My eyes burned with tears as I wiped them away furiously. All this time this was here? This note, this hope was here sitting in my dingy garage waiting for me and I was thousands of miles away trying to get over her and have some sort of life? I read that last sentence over and over _I love you… still. _That's all I needed. She didn't run away. She stayed and waited – but for how long? She'd written that she was leaving and saying goodbye – was she still here?

I grabbed the note and ran the hell out of that garage. My eyes scanned the party looking for Charlie, my heart beating frantically in my chest. Could she be here? At my house? I bolted to the front where I'd seen the cruiser, it was still there and my legs couldn't run fast enough.

I spotted Sam and Emily and for the first time in seven months, one week and three days I asked someone about her. "Is she here? Is Bella here?"

Emily put her hand on my arm and looked over at Sam. "Never mind I see Charlie," I yelled as I weaved through guests over to the porch where Charlie was standing talking to Sue.

"Charlie, where is she?" I asked still scanning the party goers.

He glowered at me and pursed his lips "Jake she's… not here." And just like that my hope shattered.

I shook my head as I clarified. "Not here – at my house? or not here – not in Forks?" The seconds audibly ticked by in my head as Charlie contemplated his response. I swear I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake the man but being the chief and all I thought that would be a stupid thing to do.

"She left the day after Christmas son," he replied, his eyes expressing some pity towards me.

I raked my shaky hand through my hair and let out a huge breath. Charlie's silence spoke volumes. I wasn't under the impression that he would willingly tell me her whereabouts.

"Where is she Charlie?" I spoke in almost a whisper. He didn't respond so I raised my tone. "Where is she?" My chin was quivering and I put my hand over my mouth to stop it. "Please," I added.

"She's doing good son, just let her be."

"I _can't._" I almost spelled it out. "I love her. And if she still loves me…"

"Jake," he interrupted, "I don't know if she _wants_ to hear from you," he clarified. "She waited and then she… left."

"I left her I know but… I didn't know that she still… _cared_." I slumped down and leaned against the house. "I just need to know if…"

Charlie put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. "I can ask her next time we speak if she wants to talk to you, leave me your number and I can ask. Best I can do for you son."

Defeated and deflated I nodded and went inside to write my number down for Charlie to pass on. "Here," I handed him the paper. "Please pass it on to her," he nodded, said goodbye and walked away.

Fuck! I just needed to see her and talk to her. I couldn't just sit around waiting for Charlie to pass on the message. I got up off the porch and pushed through the people as I headed back to my garage.

"Phoenix," called a voice from behind me.

I whirled on my heel. "What?" Tt was Leah Clearwater.

"Her mom's old place, I don't know her number and she doesn't have a cell phone. That's all I know."

"How… why?" I was stumped.

"My mom and Charlie are… friendly." I could tell she wasn't happy about that.

"Thanks," and with that I knew Hawaii would not be my next destination.


	12. Redemption

**Author's Note – Yet another Jacob POV, the next one will get back to Bella though. Bittersweet is all I can say about this one. Enjoy ;-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**The Scientist' by Coldplay**_

_Come up to meet you  
Tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are  
I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

**Chapter 12 – Redemption**

**Jacob POV**

New found hope and optimism coursed through me as I fumbled with the phone in my hand. The woman on the other end was making a poor attempt at assisting me in changing my flight destination from Hawaii to a flight to Phoenix.

It was Sunday in La Push and everyone was still getting over last nights celebration, which dragged on to the early hours of today. Wasn't sure how I was gonna do this, I mean once I got there what would I say? But all I knew was that I _had_ to do this, I _had_ to go see her and do what I could to mend _us_.

I still couldn't fathom that she had waited all that time, three months she lingered for my return. Fuck! If I hadn't been such a douchebag and just asked about her or not run off like a child, things could have been _very_ different right now.

I wasn't letting anyone in on my plan till we got to Seattle later today, and I was definitely waiting till after Rach left. At least Bec has an ounce of a clue of what I'd really been going through. Not that she would approve my valiant gesture of flying state lines to see Bella after all these months without even a phone call. To be honest, I was pretty terrified. It was April and she's been in Phoenix for four months if she'd left after Christmas like Charlie had told me.

I spent the day with my mind occupied by thoughts of Bella but I tried to make the most of these last few hours I had with dad and the guys. My dad grilled me about my plans, but everything was up in the air, best case scenario I'd be moving to Phoenix - not that I mentioned that part. He was eager to have me home but at the same time satisfied that I was relatively happy in Hawaii. I was pretty bright, maybe I'd take the GED and try to get into a college somewhere – nothing was definite right this very moment.

Later that day at the airport, I waited till Rach took exactly five steps past her gate then I turned to Bec and told her my plan. She was furious, raved on about letting her baby brother fly to an unknown place alone blah, blah, blah. If she only knew her baby bro was the scary monster she feared I may come across. She had no choice, she sulked but left when her plane was boarding.

I had an hour and a half to kill before my flight, now to figure out how to find Bella's mom's house. Couldn't exactly ask Charlie could I? If memory serves me right, I'm pretty sure Renee's last name is Dwyer so I'd start with that. If I can remember her high school I can focus on the Dwyer's in that area.

By the time my flight was ready to board, I had Bella's address and phone number burning a hole in my pocket. It was much easier than I'd thought, just a few phone calls and there you have it. One thousand, one hundred and fourteen miles was now between Bella Swan and I.

By the time we'd landed in Phoenix, my nerves were in tatters. Three hours sitting in that tiny chair gave me pins and needles in my ass. It was late, nearly 10pm, could I go there now? Or did I have to wait till morning? I decided my nerves couldn't take any more delay and I got in a cab and gave him the address. As the car turned into the street whose name I will now _never_ forget, I let out a big huff of air from my lungs. Was she home? How would she react to me on her doorstep? Only one way to find out.

As I walked up the three steps on the porch my hands were shaking and my heartbeats bellowed behind my ears. I could see the shimmer of faint light somewhere inside the house through the stain glass panel in the front door. I knocked. I heard steps down the hall, apprehensive steps that slowed to a stop.

"Who's there?" she asked anxiously and my heart stuttered at the sound of her voice.

"It's, it's… me," I answered warily. Silence, it felt like it lasted an hour. I heard fumbling with the locks and as the seconds ticked by I held my breath till our reunion was complete.

She opened the door just enough to poke her eye through for confirmation then she threw the door open.

"Jake," she breathed emotionally and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

There she was, standing barefoot wearing grey track pants and a red long sleeved t-shirt and her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. She looked the same but different, a bit thinner in the face, a bit paler and some dark shadows under those beautiful brown eyes.

"I…I didn't," I stammered as I pulled out the note that she'd left in my garage all those months ago. "I didn't know," she looked at me puzzled as I opened the letter. Then it registered in her face.

"Oh Jake," she managed to get out before she started sobbing. My arms ached to reach out to her but I wasn't sure if she'd allow it so I placed a tentative hand on her shoulder.

"Bella, I'm… I…" Shit! What was I trying to say? "Can I come in?"

"Of course." She stepped aside to make room for me to enter.

She led the way through a long hallway which had childhood pictures of Bella splayed all over it. We walked through the dining room which led to the kitchen and lounge and she gestured for me to sit down. This didn't feel right, we weren't two strangers, it was just _us_ – Jake and Bells so I grabbed her wrist on her outstretched hand and pulled her into my chest. As her cheek found its old crook in my neck I inhaled the scent of her hair. God I forgot how wonderful she smelled.

When she pulled away to look at me, my arms protested at the loss of her touch so I took each of her hands in mine and we sat on the couch.

"This feels like a dream, I can't believe you're here Jake." She squeezed my hands a little tighter. "I missed you so much," she added quietly. She cleared her throat and continued, "so what brings you to Phoenix?"

"You," I answered simply.

The tears streamed down her cheeks again. I put my hand on her cheek and wiped the tears with my thumb.

"Jake it's been so long, I didn't think there was anything left here."

"Shh, Bella I was an idiot to just run off and not hear you out. It's just when I thought you…" I shuddered at my thoughts, "had sex with Cullen I freaked out, I just… there's no way I could handle that. It just felt like you were running back to him."

"No, I… didn't, I couldn't," she said shaking her head, "but you just left with no word, no explanation and I couldn't cope alone so I had no choice but to leave too."

"Bells, I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?" I asked hoping I wasn't clutching at straws. "I need you in my life. It's not much of a life without you in it."

"Oh Jake, there's… _things_ have happened and I'm not sure…"

"I still love you Bella." I just blurted that out. But really what was the point in holding it in? I came here to bear my soul to her and let the chips fall where they may. I knew I wanted her in my life, I would give her the choice of what _she_ wanted of _me_, for real this time.

"Oh," she breathed and she stared at a random spot on the floor. When she finally raised her head, she wrapped her hand around my neck and lay her forehead against mine. "Me too. I still love you too."

I closed me eyes, was this for real? My heart swelled with the love I felt for this girl like a giant balloon. This was the chance I'd been hoping for. Just another chance to prove to her that I can make her happy and how effortless we can be with one another. The magic that I'd promised her.

"What now," I asked still not believing this was happening.

"Kiss me… please."

And kiss her I did. As my lips pressed into hers urgently my insides turned to jelly. Fuck this girl had me under a spell that made me putty in her delicate little hands. We kissed for what seemed like an hour, lips melding into each other, tongues exploring. Instinctively one hand wound into the hair at the nape of her neck and the other pressing at the small of her back. Her hands responded by holding onto my neck tighter while the other dipped under the fabric of my t-shirt, fingernails raking over my stomach. Shit! My breathing labored as arousal washed over me like a tidal wave.

As she bit my lip and sucked it in her mouth ravenously I thought my cock would explode in my pants. My lips left her greedy mouth and I worked my way from her earlobe down her neck to her chest, her heaving breath made her breasts tremble. I lifted her top over her head and arms and threw it to the floor. I devoured each breast in my mouth as she breathed my name in my ear while biting on the lobe.

She reluctantly stood to her feet in front of me as I watched her through heavy lidded eyes. She curled each thumb beneath the elastic of her track pants and slowly peeled them down her body till she could kick them off. Her hair spilled over her chest and she took my hands to lift me up to my feet and stared me square on the eye while undoing the fly of my pants. My heart spluttered as she touched my cock and my hips bucked unconsciously to hers.

She was torturing me. I wasn't coping.

"Let's go to my room," she suggested as she took my hand to lead me to her bedroom. We walked down the hallway, this was all too slow for my liking so I pulled at her arm and as she crashed into my chest I put my hands under her ass and lifted her to me. She wrapped those delicious legs around my waist and pressed her hips to mine. Fuck, I didn't know how much longer I could hold on.

I turned with her clinging to me and I slammed her against the wall and pressed myself against her to soothe the throbbing ache in my pants. I dripped my hand into her panties and delved into her wetness as she moaned in my ear and I circled her clit with my finger slowly and teasingly. She responded by placing her hand on my shaft and moving her hand up and down, up and down. Fuck, I wasn't gonna last so I practically ran down the hall with her wrapped around me and our hands in each other pants.

"This one," she sighed as we got to her bedroom door.

I stepped in and took two strides to her bed and knelt down on it laying her down flat on the bed. I untangled her legs from around me and dropped my pants to the floor. I slid my body up the length of hers on my way to meet her mouth and instinctively she parted her legs and when my cock found her wet center I entered her without protest.

Holy shit! Fire surged through every fiber of my body as I thrust into her soft and wet body. I grit my teeth to try and ride it out as long as I could but it was just too much. I tried to concentrate on my breathing to rein it all in a little and I pressed my face into the mattress over her shoulder and squeezed my eyes shut.

That's when it hit me like a fist to the jaw. _Fuck_!

Automatically I bounded off the bed to the corner of her room, fists clenched tight at my sides, heat moving up my spine. I couldn't look at her, I didn't dare.


	13. Twisted Apathy

**Author's Note - So back to Bella's POV. This is a tough chapter and you may loathe Bella and her choices at the end but be kind... desperate people do desperate things! This starts off from when she just left Forks.**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**Miss You Love' by Silverchair**_

_Millionaire say, Got a big shot deal  
And thrown it all away but  
But I'm not too sure, How I'm supposed to feel  
Or what I'm supposed to say but…_

_I'm not, not sure, Not too sure how it feels  
To handle every day, And I miss you love_

**Chapter 13 – Twisted Apathy**

Phoenix Arizona was my home once more.

I was better here than I was in Forks. Or perhaps I was just better at hiding it here, maybe the sun made it harder to reveal the dark depths of depression that sometimes swallowed me whole.

I was attending Phoenix College taking a course in Biotechnology and Molecular Biosciences. I had a job at a coffee shop on campus and I'd made some friends – well that's what I'd told Charlie - more like acquaintances. Familiar faces that floated in and out of the coffee shop and classes, people whose names I didn't even bother to remember because honestly, I didn't care. Unless it was someone I could talk to about vampires and werewolves – I just didn't give a fuck. Basically there was no one and I felt myself fading into oblivion questioning my own sanity at my memories of Forks and the mythological creatures that I called friends.

Thank God for Renee's house. All I had to do was pay the bills and considering I was sort of broke, I spent a lot of time in the dark with nothing but my own thoughts to entertain myself with. The house was just the same as before I'd left, I moved back into my old room which luckily still had my summer wardrobe stored in boxes under the bed. I spoke with Charlie and Renee on the rare occasion, Renee had promised to visit often but had yet to do so. It was better that way, she would know that something was seriously wrong with me. And it was.

I couldn't sleep. This messed with my head big time, sleep deprivation was actually a form of torture. The days blended in one long existence and I was in a constant state of semi-consciousness. That's what life as a vampire might have been like, except the tiredness of course.

It was one Friday night in January, just a normal Friday night. I finished a shift at the coffee shop, I walked home and sat in silence staring at a book whose words were a blur and I couldn't decipher under the dim light of a lamp. There was a knock at the door, I didn't know anyone that would come to my house so I ignored it. Another knock – this person was persistent. I walked half way down the hall and paused, waiting for the inevitable footsteps that indicated their departure so I could peek through my mom's old bedroom window to see who it was.

Instead, I heard a voice call my name and I started to step backwards until my back was against the cool surface of the wall and I slid down. Disbelief flooded my mind as I struggled to distinguish whether this was reality or had I drifted off on the couch reading.

"Bella," the smooth voice crooned once again. "I know you are right behind the door, can you please open it?"

I swallowed with apprehension and walked over to the door, I unlocked the deadbolt and turned the handle. There he was, in his usual brilliance. Bronze tousled hair, pale skin pulled taut over his chiseled jaw and those amber eyes boring holes into mine. The familiar wave of his scent rose up my nose and I found myself inhaling deeply unconsciously.

"Edward," I stated simply.

He regarded me curiously before he spoke. "Bella, you look awful."

I laughed. I couldn't remember the last time I laughed and it felt so foreign. I didn't want him here but familiarity was what my soul ached for and I reluctantly invited him in. I just wanted someone who knew everything and who I could talk to without reservation.

We walked down the hall into the living room. I sat in the armchair while he stood over me. His hand rose to run the back of his fingers over my cheek, it was an innocent gesture but I cringed away from his cold touch.

"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he took a step back and sat on the couch closest to me.

I didn't need small talk, so without hesitation I asked the obvious. "Why are you here Edward?"

His hands were fists in his lap, held tight that his knuckles were white. I could sense that being in such close proximity to me was difficult for him after all this time. He didn't breath, not that he needed to but if was part of the façade of being human but he didn't take a breath next to me. Was his throat burning with his thirst for my blood?

"Alice sees you. I know you're having some trouble dealing with things and I just… I couldn't handle the things I saw," he revealed.

"I'm… _fine._" I cringed when the lie left my lips.

"Perhaps now, but… I hope she was wrong." He reached over and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I can be here for you if you need a friend or someone to lean on."

I wondered what Alice could have foreseen that would be bad enough for Edward to come here like this, out of the blue. I didn't dare ask – how distorted could I become?

"Why didn't Alice come?" I asked. It was playing on my mind, why would she send Edward instead? Surely she knew better after Edward and my last meeting.

"Alice is in Ireland with Jasper, she was awfully concerned so I suggested that I come and visit," he explained sitting as still as a statue on my mom's old couch. His eyes didn't leave mine and it felt too intense so I broke my gaze from his. "So how are you Bella? Really?"

I shrugged a shoulder, should I tell him I'm dreadfully lonely? That I can't seem to drag myself out of this pool of despair? That I feel so hollow inside that I can't imagine anything will fill me again? "I'm coping… I think," I said as I shook my head.

"Why did you come to Phoenix?" he asked forthright.

"I couldn't be in Forks anymore, I wasn't handling his… absence. I thought getting away from there was the key but it feels like the further away I am from the memories the more they… haunt me."

I hadn't meant to make this a confessional but it was actually cathartic to have Edward here to coerce me to talk about it. He obviously knew about Jake leaving through the fact that Alice could actually see me now.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he said simply as he rose to stand in front of me. He took my hand and pulled me to my feet and put his arms around me in a tender embrace. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply taking in his scent, it made me dizzy.

"Thanks for coming to check on me. I actually appreciate having someone to talk to," I told him as I tried to muster a smile. "There isn't anyone I can share this with."

And with that we continued to talk about what has been happening with Edward and all the Cullens. He was living in Seattle for the time being with Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper were in Ireland and Rosalie and Emmett were having an extended visit in Denali. Over an hour later I started yawning.

"I should go, it's late and you need to get some sleep," and he leaned over to kiss the top of my head.

"Hmm, that's part of the issue," I explained. "I can't sleep, I'm exhausted – but I just can't switch off."

He pulled back to look at my face. "No wonder you look so bad," he said as he displayed that crooked grin. "Perhaps I could speak to Carlisle and he can prescribe something to help you." I'd never though of that, I could just go to a local doctor here but I knew his solution meant another visit which I would halfheartedly welcome, so I agreed.

From then on Edward's visits became regular, as did my dependence on the sleeping pills Carlisle dispensed. To be honest I looked forward more to the pills than to Edward. I didn't wear my 'rose colored glasses' anymore when I looked at Edward. I mean he still had an impact on me but he was no longer on that pedestal I once permanently positioned him on. I was different with him now and I saw his personality for what it was – blindly overbearing and passive aggressive.

Edward was very respectful and mindful of getting too close. He understood that I was still hurting from Jacob's absence. But there was one particular night, we were watching Romeo and Juliet, the Baz Luhrmann version with Leo DiCaprio playing Romeo, when he reached over and took my hand in his. It was the last scene where Romeo finds Juliet in the church and believes she's dead.

The way he entwined his fingers with mine told me this was not a friendly gesture. When I glanced over at him, his eyes were liquid gold and his breath fanned over my face as he leaned in and whispered "Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And, lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss. A dateless bargain to engrossing death." I was stunned and froze. The last time I'd heard those words leave his lips was more than a year ago in English class when Mr Bertie called on him to recite the lines, things had been _so_ different then.

As his lips slowly moved toward my mouth hesitation rose up in my throat, but I swallowed down on it. His cool mouth touched mine and my lips parted to grant him entrance. I craved closeness and intimacy and even though I didn't love Edward any more, he was all I had in this moment and I gave in. My mind screamed at me to stop but I didn't. He could have all of me – there wasn't much left to give, but he could take what he wanted.

Regret pulsed through my veins as I tried to make my mind go blank and just feel. I needed to remind myself that I was still alive, I waited for my heart beat to pick up pace and explode in my ears to drown out my brain, I didn't want to think. But my heart was not obeying and it continued with its perfectly rhythmic beating.

If Edward noticed my lack of fluster he certainly didn't let on. I _would_ get my body to react, I had to. I lay back on the couch and Edward teetered over me, ravishing my neck. He was relatively gentle considering. As he placed a hand over my breast I waited for a response and nothing so I decided I would kick start my heart myself. I gallantly reached down and unzipped Edward's pants, he pulled away from my mouth and his eyes burned with passion for me, mine filled with guilt and shame – but he didn't see it.

I tugged his pants down and then proceeded to do the same with mine. My hands went on his hips to pull him down between my legs but he resisted.

"Bella, are you _sure_ this is what you want?" he questioned while biting his lip.

"Yes," I lied, I wasn't sure of anything any more.

His defiance faded and he slowly lowered his hips between my legs to meet mine. As I felt him gently push inside me I couldn't look at him so I kissed his jaw up to his ear. He put his hand on my cheek to guide me back to face him and he looked into my eyes. This felt too intimate, it reminded me of the night Jake and I made love and how the entire time our eyes never left each other. God what am I doing? I didn't want to be present in this moment so I closed my eyes. His hands roamed my body while I rested mine on his lower back.

As he thrust himself into me his hand moved over my stomach and down my hip and between my legs, he slowly rubbed with his fingers and I finally felt my pulse switch up a gear and I began to feel a familiar warmth wash over me. I squeezed me eyes tighter and concentrated on the feeling of him inside me and his fingers circling my most sensitive parts. It took a while but I managed to allow him to bring me to climax and as I shuddered beneath him from the release, Edward experienced his own release and as he pushed inside me one final time I opened my eyes and met his. I owed him that much didn't I?

I felt just as empty as before, if not more. I knew it and Edward knew it too, not that we spoke about it. He still cared about me and as horrible as it sounds, he would take whatever I would offer. We had become - and I _hate_ this term - 'fuck buddies'. It had become more pleasurable than the first time but nothing compared to what I'd had with Jake.

So this twisted little exchange continued. Edward would come to visit, less often these days - once a week on Tuesdays, but when he did he gave me my sleeping pills and I gave him myself.

Our _arrangement_ continued as did my dismal semblance of a life - until an unexpected arrival at my door on a Sunday night toward the end of April. I immediately expected it to be Edward but when I heard his voice through the door, I was overwhelmed with emotion. It poured out of me like a waterfall.

Then I saw his face, his beautiful face. His dark brown eyes framed by those thick lashes - I could barely speak. I managed to get his name past my lips, it had been a long time since I'd let myself to say it out loud. God it hurt, it was physical agony to be in his presence again and my heart beat double time in my chest.

It didn't seem real and when he'd told me I was the reason he was in Phoenix, a glimmer of hope emerged. But it was soon shattered when I remembered who'd been occupying my bed. He deserved the truth, I highly doubted that we would get past this. But then he told me he still loved me and my heart soared at that confirmation, futile as it was I told him I felt the same.

My guilt was bubbling inside me but before I confessed I needed to feel his lips on mine, so I asked him to kiss me. And when our lips touched utter desperation ravaged me and I clung to him for dear life, I didn't dare let go. Hopeless and frantic I allowed my raw need for Jacob to supersede my disgrace and I undressed and led him to my room. My pulse racing and my heart faltering in my chest I proceeded with reckless abandonment and opened my legs for him to enter me as tears of despair burned my eyes.

Jacob filled me completely – physically and emotionally. The emptiness I learned to live with was a distant memory here surrounded by all that he was and all the love he had for me.

I didn't deserve him.

I wanted to will everything that happened with Edward away and leave a shiny clean slate for Jake and I. But reality came crashing down when Jacob practically leapt off the bed.

He stood in the corner of my room facing the wall, quivering.

"Oh God." The words left my mouth while my brain registered – Jacob smelled Edward.


	14. Reckless Abandon

**Authors Note - It's been a while since i've updated so for those who have been waiting - my apologies! Life just sometimes gets in the way ;-) Here is Jacob's POV**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**The Kill' by 30 Seconds to Mars**_

_What if I wanted to fight, Beg for the rest of my life  
What would you do, You say you wanted more  
What are you waiting for, I'm not running from you_

_Come break me down, Bury me, bury me, I am finished with you_

_Look in my eyes, You're killing me, killing me  
All I wanted was you_

**Chapter 14 – Reckless Abandon**

**Jacob POV**

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I'd reached the end of my tether. I was _so_ done.

There would be no 'third time lucky' because clearly, lady luck was being a bitch to me. I had been a door mat long enough. She'd stomped on my heart for the umpteenth time and I was finished with her. I did have a shred of pride left and I was determined to use it.

As I sat in the cab on my way to the airport, I was devoid of emotion. Coming here to Phoenix, this was my grand gesture – kissing the princess to wake her from her slumber, placing the glass slipper on her foot, climbing up her golden hair to rescue her from the tower. This was meant to be the last act of chivalry before our _Happily Ever After. _Fuck, this was no fairy tale.

I hated what she'd done to me – but I fucking loved _her_. I didn't blame her for finding comfort in someone else, but why was it always Edward fucking Cullen? I loathed him – I was _what_ I was because _he_ was the living dead. Bella was tied to him in some unfathomable way and it seemed she would always use that thread as a guide to lead her back to him whenever she needed _something_. I had no idea what the _something _that he gave her was. I couldn't offer an alternative. She was broken but I couldn't be the one to mend her this time.

When it registered that he'd been in her bed, everything came crashing to a halt. My heart literally stopped and the seconds ticked by before it jolted back to life and I could breathe again. Her attempts to diffuse the situation were futile and I just held up my hand and told her to shut up. What could I say? What could she say that would be worth the effort and pain it would cause? Nothing could be done now. Let sleeping dogs lie.

She begged and pleaded and begged some more. Oh how the situation was reversed. Wasn't it I who always did the desperate act? But there was no winner or loser in this sick game. It was a travesty that we would never discover the road that may have unfolded to our future. It was just plain sad, a shame. Once again I would bundle up every last ounce of my being that lived for her and I would lock that shit away – forgotten. I knew that I'd be destined to remember but this is the only way I knew how to cope… for now.

So I resigned myself to the fact that I had to plan out a future for me, myself and I.

I would head back to Hawaii and figure it out - somehow. The GED seemed like a good option, maybe college? First things first, I needed to get out of my sisters house.

I got the earliest flight I could back to Hawaii and I was home by Monday evening. I saved all the gory details replaying the night back to Bec, but she could sense my heartbreak, even though I glossed over it. I had to go back to work the next day, perhaps that was a good thing, get into the ocean to remind myself how insignificant all this stuff is when surrounded by an abundant body of water. Maybe I could cleanse and wash away the remnants of the memories.

I was seventeen and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. How could my life be filled with this magnitude of drama and responsibility; my heritage, my legacy, my obligation to protect, my relationship with Bella, the depths of my love for her. Was all this magnified because of _what_ I was? Surely this was not normal – but fuck, I had no idea what normal meant. Not anymore.

_I_ had run away. Not Bella. Me.

Maybe subconsciously I longed to have a normal life. Just _be_ seventeen. Just _act _spontaneously. Just _do_ stupid things. Just _make_ reckless mistakes. Normal teenage behavior. And that's what I decided to do.

Within a week of returning I'd moved out of my sister's house. Nash and Mak kicked out their room mate and I moved in. I don't know if was a wise move but hey, it ticked 'stupid' off my _Normal Teenager_ list. I half expected it to be a bachelor pad of sorts but it was relatively quiet. And clean surprisingly. We watched a lot of football and drank beer and ate pizza, there was the occasional party but nothing too scandalous. There was a rule that Nash couldn't bring his one night 'lady friends' home so he was out a hell of a lot.

We did hang out a lot at the beach after work, especially on weekends. My liver had grown somewhat immune to vodka. Although there was that time, a month or so after I'd moved in with them, Nash got a bottle of Absynth which in turn led me to tick another point off my _Normal Teenager_ list. The 'spontaneous' one. Ugh, I cringe when I think about it. It was Friday night and we were hanging out on the beach as per usual. I was out of my mind with the fucking Absynth – shit if I knew it could make you hallucinate I would have thought twice before chugging down all those shots.

I made a move on Lani… it was like it was an outer body experience and I was looking down at myself screaming 'don't do it you idiot' – but too late. She'd always been the one person I confided in here and I nearly fucked it up royally. Thank God she'd forgiven me for being a douche bag - although my ego was slightly bruised. She had rejected me, well apparently because I wasn't, and I quote "in my right mind" – what was she saying, would she let me kiss her if I hadn't been drunk off my ass?

Then a few months after that, there was the 'reckless mistake' that was ticked off my _Normal Teenager_ list. I prefer to refer to it as a _catastrophic mistake of epic proportion_ but anyway. Another night of hanging out after work, but no alcohol involved, so this time so I had _no_ justification. Nash had some random lady friend from New Zealand that he was playing tonsil hockey with, Lani and Pablo – he was the scuba instructor - were in some deep and meaningful conversation which left Zoe and I staring at the ocean.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothin' Just zoning out." I lied, the water reminded me of First beach and the person that usually shared that bleached log with me.

She eyed me suspiciously. "Liar," she called me out.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't wanna talk about it Zoe."

She sat up and put a hand on her hip. "What the fuck am I Jake? Chopped liver?"

"Huh?"

"Why is Lani always the confidante for everyone?" She looked annoyed – it made me laugh out loud.

"What's your problem Zoe?" my laugh faded to a snicker. "Who rubbed you up the wrong way?"

She looked over her shoulder at Pablo and grit her teeth. "Apparently I'm not worthy of conversation but I'm good for a fu-… other stuff." She stood to her feet and walked away toward the water where the tide was just coming in.

I felt bad for being a bit of an ass so I sighed but got up to follow her. When I reached her she was twisting her feet in the wet sand and waited till they sunk in enough for the water to cover them.

"I was thinking about… how the beach reminds me of… Fuck!" I ran my hand through my hair and looked at the sky.

"The girl," she confirmed. "I don't have to be a mind reader to see that you're still majorly hung up on this _non_ ex girlfriend of yours." She literally grabbed my face with her hand to pull me down to look at her. "Let me give you some advice-" I braced myself for these words of wisdom from Zoe. "-Build a bridge and get over it!" she said as she exaggerated with her hand gestures. "Life's too short to be obsessing over a girl that clearly doesn't want you".

"Are you really that heartless?" She never ceased to amaze.

Her bravado was waning. "I'm a realist Jake, take the emotion out of it and you're just plain pathetic," she said as she turned her back to me.

"Someone must have fucked you over real good. You are one bitter, broken girl." I rounded her to look her in the eyes. "And you call _me_ pathetic." I'm not sure where that spite came from but I wanted to hurt her with my words. She spoke of me and Bella like it was some simple school yard crush. She had no fucking idea.

"You're right," she finally said as she dug a hole in the sand with her toe to avoid eye contact. "I had my heart broken and now I will never let anyone in, so instead I fill my bed with guys. Why? I have no fucking idea."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. So I did what I would normally do, I pulled her in for a hug. And her reaction took me by somewhat of a surprise.

She slapped me across the face. "Fuck you! You've got one giant hero complex you know that. I don't need you to save me from myself."

She hit the nail on the head. I did have a hero complex. I did want to save the damsel in distress. I've been doing it with Bella since I can remember. Warn her against the Cullens. Persuade her to break it off with him. Put her back together after he left. Mend her broken heart. Make her happy. Shit!

I grabbed her wrists and looked her square in the eyes. "Maybe I don't want to be the hero anymore," I yelled as she struggled against me.

"You couldn't be a bad guy if you tried Black," she teased, "come on! Show me what you're made of. _Try_ and hurt me."

Shit! I don't know what came over me. What was I trying to prove? _Who_ was I trying to prove it to? It sure as hell wasn't Zoe.

And I kissed her.

She pushed at my chest. "You fucking asshole," she screamed gasping for air. And before I knew it, my mouth was on hers again. Was I a sucker for rejection or what? Must be my fuckin' aphrodisiac.

Her tongue was fighting mine. Her hands were tangled in my hair. Her leg hitched between my thighs. One hand moved down to rub my hard on through my shorts. Breathless pants in my ear. A growl of arousal escaped my mouth.

I pushed her away. Her mouth swollen from our ardent kissing, chest heaving with labored breaths and eyes heavy with anticipation.

"I gotta get out of here." What in God's name was I doing? Oh that's right - 'reckless mistake'

I ran to my car and fumbled with the keys. I could hear Zoe's heels clicking on the pavement behind me. Shit – I'd hoped she hadn't followed, but Zoe being Zoe always pushed when it came to shove.

"Hey, Jake, can I come with you?" she asked seductively.

I leaned my head on the roof of the car. "Fuck!" I turned to her and practically grabbed her by the shoulders, pushed her up against the side of my car and urgently pressed my mouth against hers. She deepened our kiss as I heard whimpers escape her mouth and her hands were everywhere. I saw red.

I clumsily opened the back door and scooted over on the seat. I grabbed her hips and pulled her in so she straddled me. I was clearly inexperienced, compared to her, so she led the way. Her expert hands - I always said she had great hands - unbuttoned and unzipped my shorts, and her hand dove into my underwear. I thought my cock would detonate like a fucking grenade – it had been a while. She maneuvered her confident fingers over me and fondled my balls every now and again. Oh holy shit! I had to stop her or I'd blow.

"Stop, stop! Shit!"

"God Jake. You're so hard." She nipped at my lower lip. "I want you inside me," she told me as she kneeled on the floor of the car and pulled her panties off from under her skirt. "I have protection," she added as she whipped out a condom from her purse, tore the top off with her teeth and with one swift motion rolled it onto my throbbing cock.

"Oh fuck me," was all I managed to say as she straddled me once again. Zoe lowered herself on my cock and I dropped my head back and grit my teeth. She ravaged my neck and I slipped my hands under her shirt with one hand to grab her breast and the other slid under her skirt to hold her ass and press myself into her. She was pumping and grinding me against me, her hands everywhere and I focused on keeping it together. She was so tight, and hot, and wet and fuck, she felt amazing and I couldn't hold on any longer.

I grabbed her hips with both hands now and pumped into her erratically as my orgasm ripped through me. Her own hand dipped into her skirt as she brought herself over the edge and she came just after I did. Zoe's back arched & she moaned my name before collapsing onto my chest.

When she looked up at me I swept her blonde disheveled hair from her eyes. They were as blue as the ocean – I'd never noticed before. She hopped off of me and without hesitation handed me a Kleenex for a quick clean up. God, she was efficient.

I pushed back at the memories that began to surface, another set of lips, a different face, a familiar scent, pale skin, legs wrapped around me, hands entwined in my hair - the emotion that overflowed when i made love to _her_ - the right person, not Zoe.

I drove her home in silence. I didn't want things to be weird with us, I had to say something – but she beat me to it.

"Keep your mouth shut. Not going to jail for that." And she laughed mischievously. "Relax Jake, it was just sex. And you were… pretty good at it too." She grinned and winked at me before slamming the car door behind her. She was right about one thing - it was _just sex,_ zero emotion.

So, like I said, that was the 'reckless mistake'.

The reason I refer to it as a _catastrophic mistake of epic proportion_ was because that was the first but by no means the last time with Zoe.


	15. Lust & Lunacy

**Author's Note - Ugh, this was hard to write because i've been reading really angst ridden stories. Another Jacob POV for you, just one to show he's 'getting on with his life'. I *think* the next chapter is when it will skip ahead 4 years - not decided yet.**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**Open the Floodgates' by Thom Yorke**_

_We want the good bits, Without the bullshit, And no heartaches_

_Hold on  
Hold on  
Hold on_

_No pain and no suffering, And no one gets hurt_

**Chapter 15 – Lust & Lunacy**

**Jacob POV**

Lust and lunacy. I was completely crazy for wanting her.

It was a secret. She didn't want anyone to know and I sure as hell didn't either. So we kept our rendezvous on the 'down low'. We dodged each other cunningly at work, I knew it and she knew it. What the hell happened to _not_ being weird?

Nash had tried to drag me to the beach for our usual wind down but I make up some bullshit about having a headache. Zoe wasn't one to miss a booze session and I was keen to avoid one – and _her_ for that matter.

I trudged up the hill to my parked car, it was dark already. I put the key in the lock and threw my bag over the seat into the back.

"Fucking piece of shit!" I heard a crass voice yell.

God damn it - it was Zoe. I rounded my car and strode by three cars to find her sprawled on the floor attempting to change a flat. Me and my 'hero complex' felt compelled to offer assistance.

"Need a hand?" I offered. She looked up at me with grease smeared on her forehead and rolled her eyes.

"Oh look, if it isn't the night in shining armor." She laughed her sarcastic laugh and shook her head. "I can do it myself thank you but this bolt is stuck," she continued with a strained voice as she pulled on the wrench.

"Here," I said gesturing for her to move over, "let me."

"I don't need your help," she quipped dismissively. "I can take care of myself."

God she was stubborn. "I know you can, just let me loosen it at least."

"Ugh, fine!" Zoe stood to her feet and I surveyed her long tanned legs as I knelt down to loosen the tire for her. "Here you go," I said as I replaced the wrench in her hand.

"Thanks," she replied and she shot me a grin. "Good night Jake."

"I might just wait till you're done. Just in case you need some more help."

She rolled her eyes but gave in. "Fine."

I sat on the floor next to hear leaning against the back fender of her car. "So why did you ditch the drinking session?" I was curious to find out what her motive was.

"Why did you?" she asked, not looking at me.

"I asked first."

She snickered, "well you've kinda been avoiding me so I thought I'd give you space." She bit her bottom lip and turned to face me.

I broke out in a laugh. "Yeah same here."

"Ugh, I hate this weird vibe we got going on now." And she was right, we needed to clear the air.

"Yeah me too. I mean it was a one time thing so…"

"Uh huh. One time." She seemed to agree but the way she looked at me made me think otherwise.

It was a few days after that I was packing the surf boards and winding down the work day. The sun had set and the stars were lighting up the sky like twinkle lights. It was balmy as always and I noticed Zoe from the corner of my eye walking lazily, dragging her feet through the sand. She stopped just at the waters edge and lay her towel and bag down and stepped out of her clothes. She adjusted her bikini top and walked a few feet into the water and sat down, head thrown back and staring at the gray sky.

I strode over to where she was. Small waves were lapping at her outstretched legs, her blonde hair blowing in the light breeze.

"Hey Zoe," I called out.

"Well hey stranger. Nice night isn't it?" Her red bikini top accentuated her breasts, the tiny bottoms were laced at the sides against her taught hips. She looked like she'd fit right into the pages of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

"Yeah, it's beautiful."

"I was just gonna go for a swim. Wanna join me?" It seemed like a platonic invitation, not thick with sexual innuendo like her words usually were.

"Sure, just gotta put the boards away so give me five."

"Actually, why don't you bring one over?" I'd never seen Zoe even so much as look at a surfboard the entire time I'd been here let alone stand on one. "Make it a five six," she added.

"What the hell?" I was thoroughly confused.

"Yes Jake, I _can_ surf. You know there's a lot of shit that you have no idea about." She stood up and dusted the sand off her ass.

I took the boards to the garage and fished out a five foot six inch board, she would definitely nose dive on this bad boy, it wasn't for the faint hearted. I grabbed a longer board for myself and jogged back to the shore.

I handed the board to her and she attached the leg rope to her ankle and ran in the water, dove onto the board and began paddling out. Shit, I was standing there mouth gaping and shaking my head.

"Come on in so I can kick your ass," she teased.

I laughed at her self assurance. "Are you… challenging me?" Zoe nodded her head as I continued. "Oh prepare to go down baby."

I gripped the board under my right arm and raced into the water. It was pretty calm but the slight north east wind was creating some perfect little sets to play around on. We paddled right out into the deeper water and Zoe caught some great waves. Damn she knew what she was doing.

"Holy shit Zoe, I had no idea." It was actually rather pleasing and gratifying seeing a girl so graceful, especially in the water. It reminded me of my very awkward and uncoordinated best friend, the one I refused to think about. I winced as her image clouded my mind.

Zoe used her arms to propel herself through the water back out to me and she sat up on the board, a tan leg on either side. "Are you impressed?"

"Fuck yeah! Why don't you ever surf?" She had a natural ability and I was curious why she never went out.

"I was junior champ when I was a kid." I watched her intently as she gathered her wet hair over her right shoulder and wrung water from it, my gaze followed as the stream of liquid flowed over the swell of her breast and down her chest veering left as it ran over her stomach past her bellybutton which had a silver piercing through it.

"And?" I encouraged.

"I loved it at first but then my folks really pushed me hard when the money from winning started flowing in. I was kinda their meal ticket." She was scratching at the wax on the board, avoiding eye contact. "And I trained my ass off and got injured pretty bad and I resented them."

She pressed on, "I left home when I was seventeen, got back into competitive surfing for about a year to make some money and that's how I ended up here in Hawaii, a surf comp."

For the first time, I actually felt for Zoe, compassion mixed with a touch of sympathy.

"Wow, that sounds intense. What made you stay?"

"Ugh, a… a guy," she lifted her eyes to mine, "isn't it always?" Her intense blue eyes regarded mine. I averted my gaze away from the force of hers and looked down, I noticed the goose bumps on her legs.

"We should go back, it's getting cold," I suggested.

"Yeah," she agreed with a quivering lip. "I'm freezing my ass off here."

"I can help with that." I reached around her waist and pulled her over onto my board. Zoe now sat in front of me, legs straddling the board and ass pressed firmly against my crotch. I took her leg out of the water and took the strap of her leg rope off and put it around my ankle to tow it back.

"God you're so warm," she breathed as she leaned back into me - man hadn't I heard that one before. "You know… maybe we can make it a _two time_ thing." She turned her head and looked at me over her shoulder, her lips parted in anticipation.

"I don't think that's a good idea." This was my big head talking, my little head was _so_ up for it but I ignored the throbbing in my shorts.

"That's a shame. But I guess I'm totally wrong for you so…"

"What did you say?"

"I said it's a shame."

"No, the other thing."

"I said I'm totally wrong for you." And as I comprehended her words something inside me clicked. I snaked my arm around her waist again and pulled her closer. "Jake, what the hell?"

My mouth was on her neck and my other hand in her tangled hair, then I came up for air. "I've had the girl that was _exactly right_ for me, and she screwed me over." The arm that was around her waist was now creeping up to her breasts. "So I don't give a fuck anymore. Totally wrong is fine by me."

She snuck her hand behind her back and into my shorts. She placed a firm hand on my aching cock and went to work. I unwound my fingers from her hair and trailed down her side to her bikini bottoms. As my fingers dipped into them, she moaned my name and I felt her chest heave against me. I teased circles over her wetness and when I plunged my fingers inside her she trembled under me. My head swam with arousal and my heavy breaths gasped in her ear at the wave of heat that was rising in me.

Zoe's free hand met mine in her bikini bottoms and she pushed my hand harder against her, increasing the friction, and soon her hips bucked erratically against my palm and she rode out her orgasm as her pace on my cock eased up.

"God Jake. That was… woah." Zoe slid off the board into the water - was she trying to kill me? My cock would literally explode any second, I was so close and she just… stopped?

"Zoe, what are you doing?" Just as I asked she pulled my arm to get off the board. The water was chest deep, for me anyways, not that I was in any way average height, but it was night and the water was black. She rounded me and tugged my shorts down and wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, her hands descended down and she grabbed my cock and positioned it at her slick centre. My hands automatically went to rest on her ass and I thrust into her. Her heat radiated into me as the cold ocean was a striking contrast on my skin. Her mouth pressed on mine urgently and our tongues explored frantically.

It didn't take long at all and before I knew it my hips were jerking automatically up into her soft body. My head dropped to the crook of her neck and I instinctively held her to me tighter and the wave of pure bliss washed over me. As the warmth waned I breathed heavily into her ear as I came back down to earth.

Zoe pulled back to look at me. "Totally wrong works for me too," she teased as she unwound her legs from my waist and adjusted her bikini bottoms.

I pulled up my shorts and suggested, "let's get outta here."

Zoe hopped on a board and I paddled us back to shore. As I wrapped the leg ropes around the boards to put in the garage I noticed Nash, Mak, Pablo and some random girls sitting on the beach – shit this was not good.

"What the fuck were you guys doing out there?" Nash quizzed.

"Uh… we just… umm," I stammered.

"I was just showing Jake some of my surfing moves, he didn't believe I was a champ," Zoe answered nonchalantly. Fuck she was good at lying on a whim.

"Oh sweet. She's got some moves, hey Jake."

I peered at Zoe and laughed. "She sure does."

"Grab a drink guys," Nash offered as he threw a beer my way.

"No thanks man. I'm beat so gonna go home and crash." And with that I grabbed the boards and made my way to the garage to lock them up.

Zoe followed a few minutes later. "Hey, I'm gonna get going so… good night Jake."

I turned a quick glance at her. "Night Zoe."

"Okay, maybe we can… _hang out_ again soon." She did this thing with her eyebrows that insinuated her underlying meaning.

I walked over to stand in front of her and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Sure. Why the hell not?" And I gave her a quick peck on top of the head.

Like I said, lust and lunacy. And yes, I was completely crazy for wanting her.

Weeks trickled into months and Zoe and I kept up our charade. The guys were blind but Lani was suspicious, and rightly so. She confronted me one night, warned me that I was playing with fire and that I'd get burnt. But I didn't care if I had another scar to bear, I bore many at the hands of Bella Swan. Besides this _thing _with Zoe was 'the good bits without the bullshit' – that's what we'd decided.

Zoe still had her fair share of other guys and I'd had a few other girls over the months. Just random girls that were passing through on vacation. I was living up to my _normal teenager_ list.

Things took a turn on my 18th birthday. We had a party at the house which was awesome, it was on the Saturday night before my birthday, but on the _actual_ day, Zoe took me out. I should've known it was all a bit too formal for something that we'd labeled 'very casual'. I didn't want to be an asshole because it _was_ nice of her, and that was saying a lot 'cause Zoe didn't really do 'nice'.

After a rather fancy meal Zoe gave me an extremely generous gift – a ticket to go home and see my dad – I'd been complaining about how much I'd been missing him. I honestly didn't expect a gift at all, well maybe Zoe naked and a can of whipped cream or something like that, but this was too generous.

It was during dessert that I was floored by what followed.

"I need to end this-" she gestured between us with her hand, "-thing here Jake."

My mouth popped open and I studied her, she looked nervous twitching her leg and biting her nails "What? Why?"

"It's not what is was supposed to be anymore," her eyes shied away from mine as she continued. "For me anyway."

"I don't understand, is there someone else?"

"I just… I'm not…" she sighed and her eyes met mine again. "I love you Jake."

Holy shit! What the fuck?

"And before you say anything, I know that you don't and that's ok so that's why this can't happen any more."

My head was spinning, how did we get here? I mean I was kinda fond of her, she was growing on me once she put aside all her bravado bullshit. Could something really come of this?

"Look I care about you Zoe but I wasn't expecting…" I didn't know what to say. I was usually at the receiving end of getting my heart stomped on. I knew how it felt and I didn't want to dish that out.

"I know this is insane Jake. I'm not delusional and I'm not asking for anything. I just need to put an end to this for my own sanity."

I was instantly reminded of a sixteen year old boy baring his heart to a girl in a movie theatre. But I would be different to that girl – I _would_ try.

"Zoe, maybe we could… try, and see what happens."

"Jake, we're two wrongs. We'll never make a right."

"How do you know? Two negatives make a positive in math," I joked and we laughed at my stupid analogy.

And with that I was committed to 'seeing what would happen' with Zoe – the girl whom I loathed when we first met.


	16. Choices

**Author's Note – So now we fast forward 4 years. Don't hate me for what i've done to Bella ok? Remember she has dependency issues from way back - Edward & Jake as was the case then.**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_'__**The Crawl' by Placebo**_

_It takes the pain away, but could not make you stay.  
It's way to broke to fix, no glue, no bag of tricks._

_Lay me down, the lie will unfurl.  
Lay me down to crawl._

**Chapter 16 – Choices**

**-FOUR YEARS LATER-**

Numb… just the way I liked it.

My head felt heavy and lethargy washed over me even though I must have been passed out all night. I lifted my eyelids open and light streamed through the venetian blinds. Where was I?

I sat up on the mattress that was on the floor, the room was strewn with crap. I realized I was naked so I searched through the mess for something that resembled my clothing. I managed to find was my t-shirt, jeans and underwear. I looked back at the mattress – empty. I dragged myself to the bathroom that I could spy through the door closest to me. I splashed cold water on my face and saw my reflection in the mirror. I was pasty white with purple tinged circles under my eyes, my lips were pale and my hair was a tangled nest.

This is why I didn't look in mirrors anymore. I loathed what stared back at me. What day was it?

I was still in Phoenix. Mom kicked me out of the house when she came home one summer and found me passed out on the floor of the bathroom. She thought I was dead – huh, wasn't that the truth. I was still studying at the local college and ended up mixing with the wrong crowd – well precisely the right crowd for me. The crowd that had connections to pharmacy students who could get their hands on pills – pain meds to be precise - they were my drug of choice.

I _was_ in pain – all the time, not physical but emotionally, I was in agony. It hurt and these little pills cut off every sensation – numb, just the way I liked it. I existed on a daily cocktail of uppers and downers.

Mom told Charlie, Charlie came to get me, I told them all to fuck off. And here I was… numb.

I found my bag in the lounge as I stumbled out of the room.

"Betty," called a mans voice

I looked around the room and there was only me. "Ah, Bella," I corrected.

He looked vaguely familiar, I think he was at the party at my friend Will's apartment last night. Or was that the night before? What day was it?

"Umm, do you have anything?" I asked, my brain was in 1st gear and I preferred neutral, I needed _something_.

"No, all out. Gotta get to Will's and see what he can do."

"See ya," I called out to him as I made a bee line for the door.

My cell phone rang and it was Alice. "Where the hell are you?" she boomed in my ear. Ow, that hurt my head.

"Hey. Umm… not really sure."

"Rhetorical question Bella, I'm on my way". Of course she already knew where I was – she _was_ Alice Cullen after all.

Alice had come to try and save my soul or something. We lived together in an apartment not far from college, I took a major nosedive after mom kicked me out of the house and Alice had seen it. Edward had told her to not look at my future but she said she felt something so strongly that she had to. I guess it was lucky for me that she did – or unlucky. It was hard for her here, it was sunny a lot so she was indoors or in the car with black windows all the time. She hated it – but she loved me.

The black Mercedes flew around the corner and I hopped in. She stared at me. "I don't want to hear it. Save your breath Alice."

"Bella! I can only help you so much, the rest is up to you."

I rolled my eyes at her beneath my sunglasses.

We got home and she ran me a bath. It was Monday, I was due in class but who was I kidding, I couldn't even remember which classes I was enrolled in. I dumped my bag in my room - my brain was kicking into 2nd gear and my cosy little numb bubble was going to burst, so I scavenged through my draws to find something to take the edge off. I found a bottle of something, the names were always peeled off so who knew. I popped 2 in my mouth and swallowed some stale water from my nightstand.

I got into the bathroom and stripped down. My hip bones jutted out so did my collar bones, I may need to eat something other than pharmaceuticals. I stepped into the tub and lay my head back. How long till these pills kick in? Thoughts, memories were clawing at my brain, I needed to get rid of them – quick!

Fuck, it hurt. I saw his face, his smile, felt his touch, kissed his lips, breathed him in – this was my own personal hell. The images started to fade – ah – it was working. I hated when the visions crept in, they were burned into my brain and it took a while for them to completely disappear… _I_ wanted to disappear.

Numb - just the way I liked it. I drifted out of consciousness and into oblivion, this is where I belonged. I let a warmth wash over me and I was undone.

…

"Bella!" a voice boomed in my head. "God damn it. Breathe!"

Was I dreaming? I never did anymore, I was confused.

"She's in here," then there were hands on me, and voices, and then nothingness took hold.

When I came to I was I a hospital bed with a tube at my nose. Alice was there. My throat hurt. What time was it? How long was I out?

"Oh God Bella. Are you ok?" she looked worried. I nodded. "You almost drowned in the tub, you were completely out of it and you passed out in there and I thought – oh Bella, Charlie is on his way."

"No! He can't see this, he can't…" And I cried, I could _feel_ – had they pumped my stomach? Shit! "I need something for the pain Alice, get a doctor," I begged.

She shook her head. "There will be no meds for you Bella. I told them everything."

Tears streamed from my eyes, it had been a while that it felt foreign to have the wetness on my cheeks. "I can't do this. I can't cope alone."

"You're not alone! I'm here and Charlie's coming and he knows. He's taking you home."

"I can't go back there. I can't," I confided.

"You have to, you have no choice. It's that or rehab."

The door flung open and Charlie ran in. "Kiddo! what in God's name…" He looked over me and cried. I'd never seen Charlie cry before. "You look terrible. I'm taking you home."

I was raw, emotion overflowing from long term sedation. I couldn't take this.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, I tried to concentrate on the blackness behind my eyelids, but instead I saw him. The last time I saw him, when he came to Phoenix, the scene played out like it was on a movie screen – it had been so long since I'd thought about it that it all seemed surreal. Was this how it actually happened?

_His hands all over me, everywhere. He was inside me, our hearts beating at the same momentum against our pressed chests. Breaths labored. Then he hurtled off the bed. I knew why and in that instant it was all over before it ever really began._

_I scrambled up to him, 'oh God' was all I managed to get past my lips. What could I say, how could I explain this away. _

_I placed a hesitant hand on his back but he flinched away from me. He didn't want me to touch him. _

"_Oh God Jake, I'm… I'm so sorry." My worthless words, he didn't deserve this. "I'm so so sorry. I know that can never make up for the pain but I will live with this regret forever."_

_He lifted his hand as a gesture for me to stay away and told me to shut up. I should have taken his advice. Each word that left my mouth a dagger to his heart. Each useless rationalization twisting the knife. Every ounce of guilt just salt in his wounds._

_He gathered his things, his eyes erratic and not willing to meet mine. I followed him hopelessly sobbing, waiting for a fleeting moment where I could express my apologies again. He didn't give me that chance. I wouldn't either._

_I grasped at his hands in vain - he shook me off each time. What did I want from him? I knew he would not forgive this, what was I asking for?_

_He stomped down the hallway to the front door and I whispered "I do love you". I didn't doubt that it fell on deaf ears. _

_In that instant I understood how much I actually did love him. Because in my pits of despair it was then that I let him go. I would not chase and figh,t and I would not bring him pain any more. He deserved better. I would not destroy his life and his future. I would hold on to this for the both of us, this love that I had for my best friend will remain in my heart for eternity and that would be punishment for my crime. I would not contact him, this would be a clean break – I would let him lead a life without me. Jacob Black will be free of Bella Swan. _

I startled awake - I had fallen asleep after all.

It was dark outside the floral curtains of the hospital room. Charlie sat in the plastic chair, elbow on the arm with his head resting on his clenched fist. He was sleeping.

Alice sat in a chair in the opposite corner, still as a statue, amber eyes resting on me.

"Hey," I croaked, my throat was sore. "You don't have to be here Alice."

"I'm not here for moral support Bella, I'm more of a… security guard."

I narrowed my eyes. "Whose security are you actually guarding?"

She sighed. "I'm here to make sure the nurses don't medicate you."

Shit! Cold turkey.


	17. Square One

**Author's Note - Ugh... i read the most wonderful Fanfic ever! ('Postcards' by audreyii_fic - love ALL her work but this story was just *sighs* phenomenal - so simple yet beautiful, i normally don't read one shots but OMG soooo glad i did) So this chapter is short, my confidence is low (boo hoo). **

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_**'Breathe Me' by Sia**_

_Help, I have done it again, I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today, And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame_

_Be my friend, Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me, I am small, I'm needy  
Warm me up, And breathe me._

**Chapter 17 – Square one**

My purple bedspread. It was still there, the room was much the same as I left it four years ago.

I put my bags down and sat on the edge of the bed. I needed to fix myself, wasn't anyone here to help me do it. Charlie would be there to support me and Alice would be close too. She moved back into the Cullen house, I wanted to go with her but Charlie would have none of that. I was stone cold sober. Cold… yes I was. I whittled away to skin and bone in my personal exile and I ceased to nourish myself with food, it was all about the pills.

Charlie wasn't much of a cook to say the least. Sue Clearwater came by and dropped off a lot of food, I was grateful – I didn't want to see anyone. I made Charlie promise to keep it on the down low that I was here. The last thing I needed was people talking about my life like they knew what was going on – _I_ didn't even know.

I sat across from Charlie who'd loaded my plate with food. I stared at the window and pushed the food around with my fork, putting the occasional forkful in my mouth. Charlie looked nervous. I wanted to ask if Jake had ever come back from Hawaii, did he ever ask about me, what was he doing – but I don't think I wanted to hear the answers so I asked about Billy.

"So, how's Billy doing?"

"Oh, uh… ok I guess."

"You guess?"

"We don't talk much," he confessed.

There's another friendship I assassinated. I felt a pang of guilt.

"What are you telling people?" I asked curiously. "About me I mean."

"Well just that you're taking a break from school 'cause you were sick."

"Huh… isn't that the truth." And the waterworks started.

"Bella honey, I'm here for you kiddo." He walked around and laid his arm over my shoulder awkwardly.

The first few days were tough. The emotions, feeling them, it was a huge adjustment. Withdrawal was painful and every fiber of my being ached for relief. My mind flooded with all the memories I was trying so desperately to run away from and it was hard to process. It had been more than 4 years but I was no closer to closure. The wounds so raw thanks to my self sedation - perhaps if I had dealt with them I would not have fallen into this abyss.

Charlie took a week off work to watch my every move, after that Alice took over. I didn't need a babysitter but it eased their minds so I obliged to being watched.

Three weeks had passed and I was a shadow of my former self. A huge improvement on the zombie that had arrived, I even put on the pounds and my face was filling out. I was getting cabin fever and I needed to get out. Alice suggested a night of shopping and dinner in Port Angeles, so that Friday night we headed out. I really did need some new clothes.

After we'd just about maxed out Alice's credit card, we headed down to the restaurants and chose one. Funnily enough it was the place many years ago that Edward took me to the night that he saved me from those drunken boys. Wow, how things had changed. Actually not that much to my annoyance, I was sitting her with a Cullen who had the server fawning all over them. The male server was eying Alice, all the while ignoring me. I screwed up my brow and ordered.

Walking back to the car I almost had a cardiac when I saw familiar faces walking in our direction. I breathed in deep and grabbed Alice's hand.

"Oh my God! Bella!" It was Angela and Ben.

"Hey guys," Alice chimed in. I just smiled my fake mask.

"What are you doing here Bella? I thought you were studying in Phoenix," Ben quizzed as Angela gave him a discreet elbow to the ribs.

"Uh, yeah. Just taking a break for a bit." I replied.

"Well it's good to see you Bella. If you're up for it we should catch up," Angela said with a sympathetic look.

"Sure thing. We gotta run, bye guys." I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I pulled Alice away as she waved. "Well at least the first run in is out of the so bad."

"Ugh, I just wanted to crawl under a rock."

A few weeks later I'd overheard Charlie and Sue talking in the kitchen one night after dinner. Not that I was one to eavesdrop but something Sue said caught me attention – or rather a name she dropped – Jacob's. Instantly my heart began to pound in my chest at the mere mention of his name. I tried to be stealth and froze behind the wall to avoid detection.

"Jacob's in town, he's over at Billy's."

Charlie's face turned sallow. "God damn it Sue – I don't want to hear his name." He rubbed his face and , "look what he did to Bella, leaving her like after all she went through with the Cullen kid…"

"Charlie, honey I'm sorry," Sue apologized and rubbed Charlie's shoulder. "I just think you should know he's here that's all."

My heart raced at the prospect that he was here, just a few short miles from my house. God I immediately imagined what he looked like now. He was seventeen the last time I saw him. But I would not give in. I promised myself that Jake would be free of me – that was my punishment for every single time I'd hurt him.

That night I couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but ponder the irony of it all – he loved me, I broke his heart, he went away and now I was destined to love him forever. Karma was a bitch – what goes around comes around and I was getting mine in spades.

I still did – love him that is. I don't know why he was still so deeply rooted in my soul. I thought all those years numb would have erased any memories of him but now they were back with a vengeance. All the things I would do differently blatantly obvious now. Retrospect – it should be a form of torture.

He wasn't my first love though – that title belonged to Edward Cullen but I barely thought of him anymore, not since I'd banished him from my life. It wasn't his fault, he cared about me and I used him as a crutch – depending on him for God knows what. I'd never really made it on my own, I was always leaning on someone.

The following day was difficult to say the least. I tried to keep myself busy – idle hands are the devils tools, and these hands wanted to grab the car keys and steer me to La Push. I'd scrubbed the bathroom, done three loads of laundry, cleared out my wardrobe and re-organized the linen closet – color coded! The subsequent days more painful then the previous, I'd even started clearing out weeds from the garden, I was that far gone. Alice thought I was insane.

Five days had passed since Sue told Charlie of Jacob's return. I'd run out of things to do and I was pressing yet again, through Sense and Sensibility. Alice wasn't here yet and I found myself eyeing a set of car keys on the hook in the hallway. Dread suddenly crept up in me – what if he's already gone? Why did it matter, he was rid of Bella Swan – I'd made that promise.

What I would give just to see him. The pain that I would inflict on myself would sear through me for days – but I was masochistic, I loved inflicting harm, I was so good at it. Usually on others but today it would be on myself – I _deserved_ it.

So with that idiotic logic, the keys were in my hand and I was out the door.


	18. Twist The Knife

**Author's Note - I've been stewing over this chapter for days now, i'm giving up trying to change it! The next one will be a Jacob POV...**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**Be Mine' by Robyn**_

_It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried  
It's a hard thing faking a smile when I feel like I'm falling apart inside  
And now you're gone there's like an echo in my head  
And I remember every word you said_

_That you never were, and you never will be mine  
No, you never were, and you never will be mine_

**Chapter 18 – Twist the Knife**

I was flooring it down La Push Road, the window was open to let the cold air fan my face. What the hell was I doing?

With every mile I drove my determination waned. By the time I'd reached my destination I wanted to hurl – now I was entering stalker territory. I just had to see him, something was pulling at my insides that I just had to lay me eyes on him.

Oh God, I was certifiably insane.

I drove down the familiar street lined with tall trees, my stomach was in knots. What the fuck was I going to do? I didn't have a game plan. Common sense kicked in and as I rounded the last corner before Billy's house, I held my breath and drove straight past it – I didn't even look at the little red house. I couldn't exactly stop in front of his house could I? Even if someone was out front I doubt they'd recognize me. I was in Charlie's new car – well old actually, but since Charlie and Billy were on the outs I don't think I would stand out.

I made my way to the familiar sounds of waves crashing – First Beach.

It was just as it was four years ago. It was cold but its familiarity warmed me. The clouds looming overhead made the water appear black – instantly I was reminded of my ridiculous cliff diving adventure. I gasped instinctively as I remembered being dragged underwater before scorching hot hands pulled me out.

I found our bleached out driftwood log, a smile crept to my face when I thought about all the times we just _hung out_ – just two kids trying to find their place. The last time I was here was just before I moved to Phoenix. He was gone – I had nothing to stay for.

I considered that for a while. What would have happened if I had just waited some more? He came back eventually, then came to find me. I wondered how different our reunion would have gone and where we would be now.

_He came home.  
He found the letter.  
He came to me at Charlie's.  
He apologized for leaving.  
I apologized for what led to it.  
He kissed me.  
I told him I loved him.  
He told me he never stopped.  
We made love.  
We moved in together.  
We made a home.  
We married.  
We made babies.  
We made a life._

I'd never been 'traditional' in that sense, it always seemed too, I don't know – simple? I always thought there had to be more fulfilling things to do with life. But at this precise moment I realized I would give my right arm for the 'simple' life – if it was with _him_. It was right under my nose, all I had to do was reach out and hold onto him for dear life - when I actually _had_ that chance. But it was long gone now.

I just want to _see_ him. I won't bother him. I _needed_ this.

And with that I was making my way up the hill through the forest trail to Billy's house.

I trudged through the damp leaves and dirt under my feet, my heart thumping in my chest picking up my pace with each step closer. When I finally reached the boundary of the growth surrounding Billy's property, I ducked behind the trunk of an old tree. I peered out and scanned the yard. There was an old Dodge truck in the drive way. Other than that it was empty. I had no indication of whether he was still here.

For the umpteenth time today I asked myself - _What am I doing_?

I leaned back on the tree and slid down to the ground. This was ridiculous. If anyone found me I'd be mortified. I was smack bang in the middle of stalker territory now, I was officially staking out his house. Ugh! I need to be put on house arrest.

Pondering my unstable mental state I rose to my feet to dust myself off and haul ass back to the beach. I can't believe I was this far gone, I needed to get out of here immediately.

I fumbled with the keys in the car door and I clumsily dropped them to the ground. When I bent over to fetch the keys a ball rolled over under the car and I vaguely heard a child yelling for it. I kneeled on my knees and reached under the car and reached the ball with my fingers tips. Just then the child rounded the back of the car.

A small little girl with chubby cheeks and pig tails in her hair stood in front of me. "Hi sweetie, is this your ball?" I asked, face to face with the toddler as I was still on the ground.

"Mine," she answered as she stretched out her plump hands to take the ball.

There was something oddly familiar about the cute little girl and as I heard a man calling, "squirt, come here," the realization hit me at that precise moment. I knew that voice – I hadn't heard it in four years but it was exactly like I remember. And then it dawned on me, the little girl had _his_ eyes.

Next thing I knew there was a tall figure standing over me, I was so afraid to look up, I didn't want the confirmation that her eyes were definitely his. I didn't really need to. I'd memorized his eyes and every emotion I ever saw in them.

Friendship.  
Sympathy.  
Love.  
Pain.  
Disgust.  
Betrayal.

I was responsible for all of them.

Here he was, standing right in front of me. All I'd wanted was to _see_ him, yet as he stood three feet before me I couldn't look at him. My insides were twisting and I couldn't breath, I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. I didn't want confirmation that he'd moved on, had a life, and started a family. Why was I bitter? In some sick and twisted way I really thought somehow we'd get back to a place where we lived happily ever after.

I on the other hand, had annihilated my life almost to the point of no return.

I took a breath and looked over at him working my way up from his feet. He wore ratty black Converse sneakers, army green cargo pants with a torn pocket and a faded black t-shirt. "Milly come here," he said as the child dropped the ball again and leapt into his waiting arms. She clung to his side and she fit so perfectly. I always knew he'd make a wonderful daddy – a natural.

I was speechless. Four years seemed to have aged him a lot. I thought werewolves didn't age? He was thinner, less bulky but still lean and toned. His hair still cropped short but his face seemed more angular. He had tiny wrinkles at his eyes and deep laugh lines near his mouth. I hope he'd been happy – I really did. He deserved every ounce of joy.

"Bella," he started after swallowing hard, his adam's apple moved slowly up his thick neck. "What are you doing here?"

My brain scrambled for a response, I picked the ball up and stared at it. "I just… I'm…" I sighed picking at the ball as a distraction. "I'm not exactly sure."

The child in his arms was getting restless and began chanting, "mommy, mommy, mommy," with her pouty lips and Jacob's eyes.

His kissed the top of her jet black hair and said, "ok squirt let's go find mommy." Then his eyes met mine – exactly like the little girls – "I've gotta get back to the house."

I nodded, taking him in one last time. "She's got your eyes," I whispered as I felt tears welling up.

"Yeah she does," he agreed as they rubbed noses together, an Eskimo kiss. "Take care Bella."

My throat was thick with emotion and I couldn't speak, he turned and left before the tears fell. And once again I watched him walk away.

I stood there for a bit while the devastation washed over me. _Karma_ I thought – what goes around comes around. I realized I still had the ball in my hand, I considered leaving it there but then imagined those eyes shedding tears over her lost ball. So I decided I'd just drop it off in Billy's yard.

I drove back up the road that swerved and turned till I reached the little red house. I parked on the street and walked over to the letterbox, it would be best to leave it here, they would definitely find it.

I bent over to place the ball on the floor as I heard a faint noise on the gravel. I looked up to find Billy wheeling himself over. Shit! I stared at him like a stunned mullet.

"Bella," he nodded at me, "good to see you, he said as he scrutinized me with his scowl.

"I'm just returning this," I motioned to the ball, "for your granddaughter. Congratulations by the way."

"Thank you Bella. I'm a very proud Grampa," he beamed. "And how are you doin' Bella? I did hear you were sick."

I shook my head. "I'm… I don't know. Still working on it."

"Who's sick? And what are you workin' on?" his voice rising as he made his way down the driveway - behind him the little girl tagging along with a woman chasing her.

"Milly, come to mommy," the woman demanded as she scooped her up, "Oh my goodness, Bella?"

Jake cut in "Bella, you remember my sister Rebecca?"

Oh my God! Relief flooded me as I comprehended that the child was _not_ Jacob's. I guess I just jumped to the wrong conclusion but, Milly's eyes were exactly like Jake's – rich warm chocolate brown.

"Gosh, yes! How are you?" I exclaimed as I walked towards her.

"I'm wonderful, well busy being a mommy to a 2 year old. How are you?"

"Um, I'm ok," I smiled at her. "Your daughter is beautiful."

"Thank you, I'd better go put her down for a nap," she said as she threw Milly over her shoulder. "Nice to see you Bella." I watched as she walked back to the house.

Jake stood in front of me, hands in pockets. Billy asked me to pass on his regards to Charlie as he wheeled himself back up his driveway. As soon as Billy was out of earshot Jacob spoke.

"Why are you here Bella?"

"I just wanted to return the ball."

He rolled his eyes and glared at me. "No, I mean why the hell are you in La Push?"

I could've lied but he knew me too well and would see right through me. "I heard you were here, I just… I don't know, wanted to see you."

His fists clenched by his sides and anger flared in his eyes. "Why?" he yelled at me and I jumped.

Emotion got the better of me, tears streamed down my cheeks. "To hurt myself!" I blurted out. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, "I didn't come here to bother you. I'm so sorry that you had to see me."

His eyes changed from angry to anguish. "I have to go" he said as he turned on his heel and walked away.

"I miss you!" I screamed after him. Oh God, my heart was overriding my brain, I just needed to leave him alone and get the hell out of there.

He stopped dead in his tracks. My heart raced in my chest as I waited for him to say something. Without turning he said "I miss you too… doesn't change anything." And he walked around the house and disappeared.

I walked back to Charlie's car and sat in the driver's seat. I got what I wanted – I saw him. But whatever satisfaction I was hoping to get from it was replaced by a deeper longing and yearning for what I had forgone with Jacob. I just made it _that_ much worse.


	19. Prisoner of History

**Author's Note - This was meant to be a Jacob POV chapter but it didn't turn out that way! Enjoy :-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**I'm In Here' by Sia**_

_I'm in here, can anybody see me? Can anybody help?  
I'm in here, a prisoner of history... can anybody help?_

_Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?  
I've been waiting for, you to come rescue me,  
I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not,  
living inside of me..._

**Chapter 19 – Prisoner of History**

I sat on the floor of Charlie's porch with my arms around my legs chin leaning on my knees just staring out at the forest.

Alice had been waiting for me when I came home, she tried to lecture me but I asked her to leave. She complied.

I couldn't get him out of my mind. His face, his sad eyes… he _missed me_. God I missed him so badly that it was a physical pain. I just wanted to hold him and touch him. _Doesn't change anything_ – but it did, it changed _everything_. For me.

The cruiser pulled up in the drive way and Charlie trudged up the steps.

"Hey kiddo, whatcha doing sitting out here?" he looked at me quizzically.

"Umm, I saw Jake today." I looked up at him to ascertain his reaction, his eyes were wide.

"What the hell were you doing there?" he asked as he knelt down next to me. "It's not good for you to be gettin' upset Bells"

"Did you know Billy's a grampa?" By the look on his face he didn't.

"Uh, no I didn't." He smiled to himself, "who's kid is it Bells?"

"Oh it's Rebecca's. A little girl, Milly."

"Well I'll be damned, I bet that kid's got Billy wrapped around her little finger." Then his smirk faded.

"Dad," I said as I placed a hand on his shoulder, "Billy said to say hi. I really think you should go see him, I mean you guys were best friends and it's just silly that you fell out over nothing."

"Bells, we just don't see eye to eye on… a certain topic," he clarified.

We'd never spoken about what happened between Jacob and I, Charlie really had no idea but I had to do my part to get him talking to Billy again. So I revealed as much as I could.

"Dad," I began, "you know, Jake may have been to one to leave but it was my fault, I did something…" I contemplated how to word it, "…really stupid and it hurt him a lot so he left. He did come looking for me once in Phoenix and I managed to hurt him again. So you see, _he's_ not to blame"

He stewed on that for a minute. "Bells I can't imagine that you could…"

I cut him off. "Edward Cullen."

His face grew red and angry. I chimed in again before he spoke.

"So you see, it really _is_ my fault." And with that I got up and walked inside.

Charlie had taken my sage advice and had gone down to La Push the following night. They agreed to disagree. I was thrilled that I could help salvage their friendship. Two nights later Billy was coming over to watch the game with Charlie.

I was in the kitchen getting some snacks ready for them. Charlie was reading the paper at the table. He hadn't mentioned if he had seen Jacob and my curiosity was killing me.

"Dad," I started.

"Hmm?"

"How is… Jake?" I asked looking at my feet. "I mean did you see him? Is he doing ok?"

He folded the paper and turned his chair to face me. "Yeah I saw him. He's good Bells. He's been in Hawaii with Rebecca, finished mechanical engineering at College. He seems… happy."

"Oh… well good then," I grabbed a bag of chips and poured the contents in a bowl. "Did he… never mind."

Charlie sighed. "He didn't ask about you Bells."

"That's fine," I lied. "How long are they here for?" I asked casually.

"Well Rachel's gotten engaged and they're having a party in La Push for her so I think Rebecca and Jake will hang out till then."

I nodded. Wow, I was so proud of Jacob. I can't believe he'd finished College, I guess he always had his head screwed on right. It suddenly dawned on me that Rachel and Rebecca weren't much older than me. Yet, here they were getting married and having babies, and here I was back living with my dad, a recovering addict with no job.

The knock at the door jolted me out of my self loathing. Charlie went to answer and the smell of fish fry wafted through the hallway.

"Come on in," he boomed.

I stepped into the doorway of the kitchen and saw Jake wheeling Billy into our living room.

"All right old man, I'll be back to get you after the game," Jake said as he scanned the lounge.

I took a few steps down the hallway and he looked over at me. "Hey," I whispered.

"Hi. Umm… I gotta go." And he turned and walked out the door.

He couldn't even stand to be in the same room as me. Charlie looked over at me giving me a sympathetic smile.

I walked over and sat on the armchair near Billy. "Hi Billy."

"Hello Bella," he said patting my knee, "you taking care of yourself?"

I nodded as Charlie went into the kitchen. "Umm, Billy Jake doesn't know about… my _problem,_ does he?"

"No Bella, he doesn't."

I let out a relieved breath. "Good, I'd like to keep it that way if you don't mind."

He smiled and agreed.

I pottered around the house waiting for Jake to come back to pick Billy up. I would attempt to speak to him or _something_, if he refused I'd corner him – well that's what I told myself anyway.

When there was a knock at the door I just about bolted to answer it from the kitchen. He stood there looking over my head into the lounge.

"Hi, do you want to come in?" I asked

"I'm just gonna get dad and go."

He stormed past me and was wheeling Billy out before I could get another word in. And they were gone.

A few days later, I accidently bumped into Jake and Rebecca at the book store in Forks. I was looking for new reading material and they were buying some books for Milly.

"Hi Bella," Rebecca said as she motioned for Jake to come over. "Jake look who's here."

"Oh, hey," was all I got from him as he scooped Milly up. "I'm gonna get Milly a treat from the candy store."

And just like that he was gone again. He bolted as soon as he came near me, not that I blamed him.

A few nights later Billy was over again watching yet another game. I went out to get some pizzas and as I drove back down our street I saw the Rabbit parked in our driveway. Instantly my throat constricted. I parked on the curb, got out and walked over to the door holding the boxes.

"Need a hand," Jake asked.

I hadn't seen him sitting on the porch. He scared the living daylights out of me and I stumbled on the step. "Shit!" I yelled as I hit my shin on the top step.

"Here give me the boxes," he said as he took them out of my hands. "You ok?" Wow, this was progress - it's the most he's said to me.

I winced as I rubbed my leg, "yeah I'll survive."

Jacob walked inside and then back out a minute later holding some frozen peas. "Here," he offered, "this will help."

I looked up at his guarded eyes. "Thanks."

"You should go in and eat."

I shook my head, "you go ahead I'm ok."

"Not hungry," he answered walking down the steps to the Rabbit. Was he leaving?

I didn't want him running away from me again. I wanted to talk to him, I knew this was not a fair request considering how much I'd hurt him but I just needed to apologize.

'I' need, 'I' wanted – how did I always make this so much about me? It should be about Jacob and what _he_ needs and wants. I had to stop acting like the victim – I was the perpetrator.

"Jake," I called after him, "do you want to… talk?"

He stopped at the Rabbit leaning on the roof with one hand, he looked over his shoulder at me walking over to him. "Talk?" he asked, "you wanna _talk_?"

I shrugged my shoulders, the look he was giving me sent a shiver of fear through me. His eyes dark and livid – he was furious.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I can barely _look _at you and you want to _talk_?" he shouted.

He'd never yelled at me like this. I swallowed hard, tears welling up – _don't cry, don't cry_ – I began chanting in my head.

My bravado and guts surprised me. If he needed to scream at me – I could take it. "I'm certain there are things you want to say, so just let me have it and stop running away from me!" But I was walking a very fine line - I might just push him too far.

He grabbed me by the tops of my arms and pushed me against the car. "I can't pretend," he yelled at me two inches from my face. His hot breath burned against my mouth "I fucking hate you for leaving me with an image of you and that piece of shit, I hate you for crushing my heart," his chest heaved as his eyes bore into mine. "I hate you for giving me no other choice than to run away, but most of all I hate you because… because… I still love you," he whispered as his eyes filled with tears of his own.

_Oh God!_ Salty water poured down my cheeks. "I never stopped loving you" I confessed.

He loosened his grip on my arms. "Doesn't. Change. Anything."

"Yes! It does! It changes everything." I wiped my nose with my sleeve, "please if you still feel _something_ for me… give me a chance to make it up to you."

It was as if he didn't hear me.

"You know I tried so hard to forget you, that I think I just couldn't let you go." His eyes softened now. "Maybe I just need to remember the good stuff and then I'll get over you."

I raised my hand and placed it on his cheek. He closed his eyes and instantly took my hand in his, he placed a gentle kiss on my palm and lay our hands on his chest.

His heart thumped under my hand.

"Jake I'm so sorry about all the times I've hurt you. I never ever imagined you'd come back and…"

"I have to go," he whispered.

"Please just let me say this," I begged. "I never thought you'd come back, I didn't think you still loved me. I was stupid and scared and I didn't want to be alone and…"

"I can't pretend Bella."

"Pretend what?" I asked.

"I can't pretend that it's not killing me! That's why I run, it hurts too much."

"Oh God Jake… please. What can I do?"

"I honestly don't know," he revealed. "I gotta get Billy and go."

I nodded. He went inside to get Billy and as he wheeled him through the yard Billy said, "make sure you two come up for Rachel's engagement party on Saturday."

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be there, right Bells?" Charlie promised.

"Sure thing," I looked over at Jake whose eyes were firmly planted on the floor.

When Saturday rolled around I'd made up every excuse not to go, but as usual my heart overrode my brain and won out. I didn't know what I could do to make it up to him but all I knew is that I wanted him in my life in any capacity he was willing to offer. I loved him more than anything but if he wanted me as a friend – I would be there and if he wanted me out of his life for good – I'm not sure what I would do but I was willing to take the chance.

I dressed down a charcoal grey dress with a denim jacket and boots, I tried to blow dry my hair and even attempted my hand at make up. I was really nervous, what if he told me to get the hell out of there? What then?

Charlie and I made our way up to Billy's property, it was still early but Charlie had offered our services to help so Billy summonsed us to get here at 5pm. Jake had gone to Port Angeles with Rebecca to pick up Tama, her husband, from the airport. He couldn't get the time off work so he was only flying up for a few days.

I pottered around helping Sue and some other ladies with the food. Charlie helped with setting up chairs and tables. Not long after we heard the Rabbit pull up and soon the door swung open and in walked Rebecca's husband. He was a stocky guy with chin length hair, he seemed well mannered and came over to introduce himself after he greeted everyone.

Jake walked in next holding a small pink suitcase, then I heard a squeal as a blonde girl bounded through the doorway directly to Billy.

"Oh my gosh, Billy! It's been forever," she rambled as she bent over to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Well hey there Zoe. I wasn't sure you were coming."

"Yeah well my boss was being an ass about taking time off, but I managed to get it after all so I booked myself on Tama's flight and here I am!" she chirped.

Jake grabbed her around the waist and pulled her in and planted a kiss on her lips "I've missed you baby," I saw her whisper in his ear.

My stomach churned and I wanted to disappear. Was this my ultimate punishment? That I had to watch him cavort with a fucking girl who looked like she belonged in the pages of Playboy? She was beautiful – that 'in your face' type of beauty – wavy blonde hair to her waist, perfectly tan skin, blue eyes and an hourglass figure with DD's. My exact opposite. She wore motorbike boots, denim cut off shorts and a loose white t-shirt with a plunging V neckline that showed her ample bust.

I tried to sink down as much as possible so I wouldn't be noticed but damn Billy piped up and introduced her to Charlie which of course meant I got an introduction too.

"Hi, I'm Bella" I said as I held out my hand

"Hey. I'm Zoe, nice to meet you."

Jacob looked stunned, clearly he had no idea I was standing in his kitchen. "Oh, I didn't realize you'd be here already," he said.

I put on my fake smile as best I could. "More than happy to help out."

He nodded as Zoe dragged him to his room. _Ugh!_

I needed some air so I made a bee line for the door. Charlie gave me a sympathetic look and mouthed 'are you ok'. I shook my head and pointed to the door. Once outside I felt even worse, it only just made me understand how horrible it must have been for Jake to find out I'd been with Edward. I was dying inside and I didn't even know her – but Jake and Edward had been, well enemies.

I walked over to Jake's garage and thought it'd be ok to hide out in there. I smiled at the memories of the old days spent hanging out here. My plan was to feign illness and get the hell out of here without bumping into Jake. The thought of him with that girl in his room made me want to hurl. Billy was clearly a fan of hers with all her fawning over him. I was a goner.

Then I flinched when I felt a hand on my shoulder.


	20. Distance Maims My Life

**Author's Note - Here's Jacob's POV, i was anxious to delve into this and i to and fro'd a lot, but here it is. **

**Not sure if i've mentioned this previously so... FYI - imprinting does not exist in my world. It is by far the most ridiculous notion i've ever encountered so it is null and void the way it should be LOL**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**If You're Not The One' by Daniel Bedingfield**_

_I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand  
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?  
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?_

_If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?  
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?  
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?  
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?_

**Chapter 20 – Distance Maims My Life**

**Jacob's POV**

The light poured in through the window as I peered out from under the pillow. I was back in La Push in my tiny bed with my feet dangling off the end. I had the worst sleep ever. I wasn't sure if I could blame it entirely on the small bed or if I could also pass the blame onto Bella Swan.

I dreamt of her last night.

I thought the last time I saw her would haunt me forever; the realization she'd been with that leech – again – the hurt and betrayal I felt and her face, broken and pleading. But that didn't play out in my head. I expected those memories to plague me in nightmares but it was the complete opposite.

On the sofa, me lying back on Bella, my head resting on her chest, her legs wrapped around my waist, absentmindedly drawing patterns on my arms and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. This is what my nightmares consisted of.

We were back in town because Rachael had gotten engaged so we were throwing her a good old fashion res celebration. Her fiancé Logan was in advertising so he talked a lot of bullshit. But he made Rach happy and she was pretty high maintenance so I'm surprised she was getting hitched at all.

Me - I got my GED and did a course in Mechanical Engineering, I was still in Hawaii but was planning my next move. For the time being I was still working at the resort and living with Zoe, Nash and Blake – he was a guy from Australia that we befriended and he moved in after Mak left Hawaii. Lani had met some guy so she ended up getting married and moved to Argentina.

To everyone's astonishment, Zoe and I were still together, our relationship certainly had it's ups and downs – more downs than ups if I were being completely honest. It wasn't easy and effortless like I wanted it to be, but I loved her.

I arrived back a week ago with Bec and my niece Milly, well it was really Millicent after Tama's mom, thank God they agreed to call her Milly. She was two and a half and had me wrapped around her teeny tiny finger and I loved it, I would do anything for this kid. It was funny, people always thought she was mine, I guess she kinda looked like me when I was a kid, she had my brown eyes for sure.

I knew Bella had assumed Milly was mine when we had the awkward run in at the beach last week. I could see it in her face, in her eyes even though she refused to look at me. In a sadistic way I was kinda glad she thought that I'd moved on so monumentally and her obvious pain filled me with a sick wave of pleasure. She was usually the one doing the hurting and I was the recipient. She never asked outright if I was a father and so it's not like I was lying to her.

But I was lying to myself. I thought I'd contained all my Bella crap and pushed it so far inside myself that I didn't need to deal with it. But shit, seeing her unexpectedly at the beach was brutal. Knife to the heart kinda summed it up.

I don't know what I was thinking telling her I fucking missed her too – what good would that do? But it didn't change anything, I made that clear. She looked so unhappy, that fact actually cut me deeper than I could have imagined. I guess I always wanted her to get some karmal retribution for how she'd hurt me but she looked so lost and fragile and withdrawn that it scared me.

I was happy that dad and Charlie had kissed and made up, but it made for a difficult exchange seeing as I had to drop Billy at Charlie's and pick him up. I'd managed to dodge Bella as much as I could. Seeing her looking the way she did just made me feel things I didn't want to be feeling. I just wanted to make it all ok – whatever it was that was doing this to her.

But the confrontation came too soon. She wasn't at Charlie's when I got there but I'd been told she was picking up some food so I thought it best I not hang around inside where she could corner me. I wasn't in the mood for any sort of altercation today. She'd been occupying my thoughts too much and it fucking pissed me off.

Of course Bella being Bella had to fall and hurt herself and me being 'the rescuer' had to help. Too much dialogue between us, I had to get out of there before she felt it was an open invitation for a catch up session. But she couldn't just let it be. When she asked if I wanted to _talk_ I just about dug a hole in the roof of the Rabbit. I was fucking furious. I could barely look at her.

Talk – like a bit of chit chat at the front of her dad's house was miraculously going to make it all better. Right the wrongs. Soothe the hurt. No fucking way. I couldn't pretend any more.

It all bubbled up and boiled over and before I knew it, it was all spewing right into her face. My hate for all the shit I kept inside. Her provocation to _let her have it_ had been accepted with much urgency. To my mortification I'd revealed something that I hadn't even admitted to myself until that very second – that I still loved her.

I guess it was true. Maybe I'd been blind to the fact because of the grief that overwhelmed every memory I had of her. But it didn't change anything - it couldn't. Was this my denial again? I couldn't _let it_ change anything because I had a four year relationship under my belt with a girl I also loved and I owed it to her, to us, for that to be my number one priority. Even with this revelation about my feelings for Bella, I had to move forward with Zoe. Bella and I had our chance and it was long gone. Something stabbed at me when she told me still loved me and a tiny part of me felt a sense of happiness.

After I got Billy, he had to open his big mouth and invite Charlie and Bella to Rachel's engagement party, of course Charlie graciously accepted and put Bella on the spot who hesitantly agreed to come too. Great!

Saturday rolled around rather quickly, between getting things organized for the party and keeping Milly happy and occupied I wasn't sure where the days had gone. Tama was flying into Port Angeles in the afternoon so Bec, Milly and I went to pick him up. Milly soon drifted off to sleep and Bec took that as her cue to grill me about Bella and our confrontation. I'd mentioned it in passing and thought she'd let it be but she was now pushing for specifics.

"Are you ok?" she asked as I drove down the highway.

"Huh? Uh, yeah… sure," was the best I could do.

"Jake, by the looks of things Bella has a pretty massive effect on you."

I shook my head. "I… kinda told her I still love her."

Bec's mouth popped open. "Holy shit Jake!" she screamed as she adjusted her position in the passenger seat to face me. "Umm, have you forgotten about Zoe?"

"Of course not! I mean…" I sighed deeply and continued, "I love Zoe but I just can't get Bella out of head."

"Ah, young love. You never forget your first love."

"It's not some teenage crush Bec. I don't know what it is, it's like… she's ingrained in me," I confessed feebly. "I'm terrified that it's never gonna go away."

Bec grabbed my free hand and gave it a squeeze. "Maybe it's just so raw because we're here and you came face to face with her."

"I don't know, I've just tried so hard not to deal with it," I mumbled, "maybe you're right, it'll be better once we're back in Hawaii."

"Yeah, once you're back with Zoe at home it'll be fine," she reassured me.

Milly was awake by the time we got to the airport so we went in to meet Tama at the gate. His flight was late as expected so we got a bite to eat first. People began filing out of the place and we spotted Tama. My jaw dropped to the ground as I saw who followed him out.

Zoe. She'd managed to get the time off work after all and had come to surprise me. A pang of guilt made me queasy as she leapt into my arms.

"Surprise!" she squealed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "I've missed you," she breathed and kissed me seductively on the mouth. She tasted like cinnamon gum.

"I missed you too babe," I told her truthfully.

Bec was right, it'll all be better now Zoe's here. Or so I hoped.

The drive home seemed to go by a lot faster. Zoe sat in front with me and sang nursery rhymes with Milly while Tama and I discussed the surf. Before I knew it we were passing Charlie's house, his cruiser was still in the driveway.

Once back in La Push I got the luggage out and we all made our way inside. The house was buzzing with people already. After Zoe greeted my dad I decided we needed some alone time so I grabbed her around the waist and gave her a kiss. She told me how she'd missed me. I was contemplating _showing_ her how much I'd missed her. Just then dad started introducing people to Zoe and when I heard Charlie's name, I froze. Shit! He must have come here in another car, clearly not the cruiser as it was safely parked at his house.

I scanned the faces in my dad's small house and saw Bella cowering in a corner in the kitchen. He face flushed pink as she was introduced to Zoe. I made it clear I didn't know she was there, man this felt awkward. As far as I knew Bella didn't know Zoe even existed, I mean I never mentioned her because I never felt I needed to but in this uncomfortable moment, hindsight suggested I should have said something.

Zoe practically pulled my arm out the socket trying to drag me to my room. Once inside she clicked the lock and sauntered over to me where I was sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Do we have time to get to know each other a little better before we get changed?" she asked mischievously.

That's precisely what I'd had in mind a few minutes ago but now, knowing Bella was in my kitchen, I felt nauseous. Zoe sat on top of me straddling me and she hitched her hand under my t-shirt and grazed trails with her fingernails down to my jeans and she undid the button and zip.

I swallowed hard and chastised myself internally but I grabbed her hand, "I think maybe we should just get ready."

She leaned back and studied my face. "Are you sure? I mean you're pretty hard already."

"I'm sure, let's just get changed and get out of here before my dad comes knocking."

Zoe shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, your cal,l" she said as she hopped off my lap.

Deliberately she stood in front of me and pulled her t-shirt over her head, then tugged her shorts down and kicked them off. There she stood in tiny lace panties and a matching bra with her boots still on. Man what was I thinking? My erection throbbed in my pants as I stood and pulled her to me in one fowl swoop. She kissed my mouth urgently and pressed her hand over the growing bulge in my pants.

_Bella is in the kitchen_ I thought again.

"Babe, I think we should stop."

A grin crept on her lips. "Okay, let's just call that a preview."

I nodded. "Done."

"I love you Jake," she said as she looked in my eyes.

"Yeah, me too."

I got dressed quickly and left Zoe to her own devices.

This situation wasn't sitting well with me so I took the back door to the yard to escape Bella's glares. I grabbed a soda from one of the barrels of drinks and wandered over to my garage.

The door was ajar and as I walked in I saw Bella standing with her back to me. She hadn't heard me come in and I was telling myself to do an about face and get out of there but something pulled at me to stay. I closed the distance between us and lay my hand on her shoulder.


	21. Love You or Leave You

**Author's Note - Well it's been quite some time since my last update. My mind was quite submerged in Eclipse and i couldn't pull myself out of it for a while. I got stuck in this chapter and couldn't find a way to move forward so my apologies for the delay. I hope you enjoy this - i really enjoyed writing it, especially the last part.**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**I Bruise Easily' by Natasha Bedingfield**_

_I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me  
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree  
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me  
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily_

_Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you  
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you_

**Chapter 21 – Love You or Leave You**

I jumped when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Hey," he stood there looking so handsome in a pair of dark jeans and a striped button down shirt. "I didn't know she was going to come, she sorta wanted to surprise me… I guess," he rambled

I groaned internally. "It's ok."

"Is it?" he asked suspiciously, "it didn't bother you?"

Bother me? It ripped my insides out. "Not really," I lied, "besides I deserve it."

"Why do you say that?"

"What goes around comes around," I quoted. Ugh, what a stupid thing to say. So I amended, "she's gorgeous."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah," he seemed uncomfortable, "uh, we don't have to talk about this."

I ignored him. "How long have you two been together?"

"Umm, I don't know… like nearly 4 years I think," he said running his hands through his cropped hair.

I nearly choked. Four years! That was an awfully long time. "So it's serious" I stated.

He looked around awkwardly. "I guess," then he changed the subject. "About the other day, I'm sorry I was so…"

"Honest," I cut him off, "I appreciate honesty no matter how brutal."

"It's a bit easier now, you know," he said with a grin.

"What is?" I questioned.

"Being here with you," he motioned with his hand between us. "Maybe I just needed to purge," he laughed nervously.

"I meant what I said the other day," I divulged. Shit! Heart overriding head again.

He froze for a second, "I meant what I said too" he replied.

"Which part?" I asked.

He gulped and pondered. "All of it," his pained eyes locked on mine, "every single word."

Heart overrode again. "Even the part where you still love-"

"Hello," her voice rang out and I jumped. "Billy said I'd find you here," she walked up to Jake and lazily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the mouth.

Ouch. Stake through heart!

"Zoe, Bella's here too," he said prying her hands away.

"Oh sorry Bella I didn't see you there," and she shot me her sweet smile. Ugh!

She'd gotten changed into a simple black dress but there was nothing simple about it on _her_. She looked like she'd stepped off a runway. Her high heels were awfully high, I secretly hoped she'd trip over and fall on her pretty face.

"I hope I didn't interrupt but Bec said people are arriving and the guests of honor are here. Rach looks stunning!"

She referred to his sisters by their nick names. She'd won Billy over too. Plus she had the only person that mattered most – Jake. I couldn't help but despise her. He reached for her hand and entwined his fingers with hers. It reminded me of how he used to hold my hand all those years ago.

He looked over at me, "I'd better get out there."

I nodded, "yeah."

"See you later Bella," Zoe said as they made their way out the door.

I didn't dare leave, no one would miss my being there anyway. I contemplated spending the entire night in here and decided that's precisely what I would do, until nature called and I had to pee.

I quickly weaved my way through the crowd avoiding eye contact with anyone. Unfortunately I collided with Rebecca who was also heading to the bathroom.

"Oh sorry," I said steadying myself.

"No problem Bella," she smiled. "Look, I don't mean to pry, but Jake is my baby brother so please forgive me."

I narrowed my eyes waiting for her to continue.

"He's a different person now, he was… shattered, I guess that's the best way to describe it, after what happened with you and the Cullen guy."

"Look Rebecca you don't understand…"

"Please just let me finish," she requested. "He is _happy_ now with Zoe, don't mess around with him."

I sighed. "What happened was completely my fault and I hated myself for hurting Jake. I love him. He deserves to know that and what he chooses to do about it is up to him. But I promise you, I am _not_ messing around with him."

"Bella, you need to let him go," she pleaded.

"I _can't_… I'm sorry," I turned and left before my throat closed over completely. My bladder was ready to explode but so were the tears pricking my eyes and I thought it best I don't unleash the waterworks on Jake's sister.

Charlie had drank a few too many beers and even though it was still early, I was ready to leave. In his altered state Charlie had given me the keys to drive myself home as he was dead set on partying on and would stay at Billy's. The one condition was that I come and pick him up tomorrow. So with that I headed to the car, unfortunately my stealth getaway was thwarted by the car being blocked in. Shit!

I wandered back to the crowd and looked for the first familiar face I could find. I spotted Embry downing a beer so I approached him and asked for some help finding the owner of the car.

We shared some vague superficial chit chat, until we reached the car.

"Yeah I think this is Gemma's car, her mom owns the store near my place."

"Oh good, I really need to go, do you think you can track down the keys?" I asked.

He stared at the ground for a second and nodded. "Let's cut the bullshit Bella."

"Excuse me?"

"I know why you're back," his eyes filled with sympathy as he stepped closer. "Are you ok?"

"I'm… fine. Can you find the keys please." I turned my back to him folding my arms. I was mortified, why was word spreading about this? I didn't want people knowing I was a drugged up lunatic and had to come home to daddy to make it all better. There was one person in particular I didn't want knowing.

I sighed and turned back to face Embry. "I'm sorry, I just… don't want people knowing." And then I amended, "especially Jake."

He scoffed. "Don't bother with him, he's living in the land of denial anyways."

"What do you mean?"

"He thinks running off to Hawaii, stopping phasing and shacking up with some blonde former town bike will make him normal."

"He stopped phasing?" I asked mouth agape.

"Yeah, like I said _denial. _And that girl, man, I just wanna slap her." He popped open another beer can. "I mean I'm no prude, but she was the resort go-to-girl for a fuck and now he's playing house with her?"

"He loves her Embry, and he's happy," so it seemed, "it doesn't matter what she did, as long as he knows about it and he's ok with it."

"You love him, am I right?"

Was I that transparent? "Umm, it's complicated… but yeah I do."

"You'd be better for him. He wouldn't be living a lie with you."

"Oh Embry, he knows how I feel, but he loves her."

"You just need to be honest with him about what being without him did to you, and I'm sure he'd do the same."

"I don't think so…" Just then Jake walked over so Embry wrapped an arm around me casually.

Jake's eyes narrowed. "Hey, what's going on?"

Embry spoke first, "just hanging out with Bells, what are you doin' here?"

"Uh, Charlie told me you were leaving," he said looking at me.

"And?" Embry pushed.

Jake glared irritated at Embry before looking at me. "And nothing… night Bella."

"Night Jake," I whispered. And he left.

I smacked Embry's chest. "What the hell was that?"

He feigned hurt. "Ow, relax Bella, jealousy conjures up all sorts of things. Trust me."

"I'm not messing with him, forget it," I said. "Besides, I promised his sister I wasn't."

"Are you fucking serious? Let me guess, Bec had the 'don't fuck around with my brother' chat."

I nodded. "She's just looking out for him."

"She needs to pull her head out of her ass, she's more in love with Zoe than Jake is so ignore her."

"I need to go, can you get the keys to move this car please?" I pleaded.

"Sure, keys were in the ignition the whole time," he laughed.

"Ugh, you jerk! Now move it before I run you down."

My mood plummeted as soon as I reached Forks. It was still early so I changed into my sweats and settled on the couch with the TV on. I must have drifted off because I was most certainly dreaming.

Jake looking dashing in a tux, waiting at the end of the church aisle, the bride gliding down on a path littered with rose petals and a harp playing Ave Maria. But _I_ stood in the corner wanting to scream for the ceremony to stop but I had no voice. No sound came out when I tried to _speak now or forever hold my peace_.

I startled awake when I heard urgent rapping on knuckles against the front door. I was disoriented and thought it was Charlie having gotten a lift home, boy was I wrong.

As I approached the front door the dim light of the street lamp shone his huge build through the glass panel in the door. I glanced at the clock and it was nearly three o'clock in the morning.

I opened the door and met his eyes. He said nothing and neither did I, I just stood there watching his chest rising and falling heavily with each breath. There was no Zoe, just Jake and I standing face to face. The silence deafening but there was something behind those eyes, sympathy and understanding and a warm kindness that I'd been banished from four years ago.

"Charlie's very chatty when he's drunk," he revealed. "Why didn't anyone tell _me_?" His voice broke off at the end and I knew exactly what this was about. Charlie had told him about my drug abuse in Phoenix.

The tears escaped my eyes one by one as I tried to blink them away, "I didn't want to burden you after all that I'd done to hurt you."

His expression looked like I had just slapped him. "Burden me? I could have helped Bella, I could have done… something," he wiped his nose with the cuff of his shirt "I would have made a difference, right?"

Right? Most definitely. But I couldn't admit that to him, I wouldn't let him wear the guilt that would surely result. It was absolutely positively not his to bear. This was my doing and regardless of what the catalyst was, it was all me. "I… I'm not sure anyone could have helped."

"_I_ could have. I'm certain of it Bella," he swallowed audibly. "Why? Why did you resort to _that_?"

I wasn't sure how to explain it. "I just didn't want to be me anymore. I didn't want to play over in my head all the ways I'd hurt you when I loved you but it was too late. I promised myself I'd never bother you again, so much for keeping that promise." He smiled at that. "I guess I just wanted to forget everything and numb the pain, how could I survive the real world when I came from a world of make believe? Vampires and werewolves, I'd get locked up for that."

He sighed. "I just want to wrap my arms around you."

I stood there waiting but he didn't move. "I would love to have your arms around me," I persuaded.

"I don't trust myself with you," he confided.

"Do you want to come in?" Heart overriding head!

He shook his head. "I should go."

"No!" I yelled a little too loudly. "Please stay, I'll come outside." I ducked back inside and grabbed the blanket off the couch.

I sat on the floor leaning against the wall and Jake looked at me hesitantly but came and sat next to me regardless. I could sense his inner battle as he fidgeted with the cuff of his shirt. I tried to reach for his hand but he flinched away.

"You stopped phasing."

He took in a big breath, "Yeah I did."

"Why?"

Jake shrugged his shoulders. "I just wanted to be _normal_ I guess."

"And how did that work out for you?"

"Well I'm aging now and I'm not hot anymore, but there's still something poking at me, deep down like I'm ignoring my calling or something fucked up like that."

I hadn't noticed that he wasn't hot anymore, the few times we had made physical contact was in emotionally charged moments where my mind was racing with other thoughts.

"I want… I mean… can I _feel_ you?" I was purely asking to see how it would be without his scorching heat but my heart fluttered at the prospect of his touch.

His eyes met mine and as his breath hitched he placed his hand in mine tentatively. I placed my other hand on top and even though his temperature was now the same as mine, my hands burned. Our eyes locked I lifted his hand to my cheek and a second later his thumb caressed the outline of my lips.

Under normal circumstances this would be when the boy would kiss the girl. But there was nothing _normal_ about Jake and I. His fingertips gently traced trails along my cheek bone and then past my jaw and under my ear down the back of my neck. My erratic heart was picking up speed, although without his wolfy talents he could no longer pick up on that.

He swept my hair behind my shoulder and he leaned over and his face was less than an inch from my neck and he inhaled. The angle at which he was reaching over had his neck fully exposed and the craving that exploded within me to just kiss that crook that once belonged to me was overwhelming.

But I didn't.

As he pulled back slowly his cheek brushed against mine till we were face to face again. "You smell like peaches."

His breath fanned over my face and my eyes pleaded his silently for him to kiss me.

In an instant he snapped out of it. "I'm so sorry, that was really… inappropriate."

"It's ok," I lied.

He was shaking his head. "I'm not _that_ guy that does this stuff behind his girlfriend's back," he chastised himself.

"It's fine." And then I lied again, "nothing happened."

He looked hurt at that statement. "It did for me," he stood to his feet and took my hands to help me up, "but I'm not _that_ guy."

He turned around and took large strides down the porch as quickly as he could. When he reached the bottom step I spoke. He did not turn back around, he just stood there frozen.

"I know, you're the other guy-" I tried in vain to hold on to the words that were about to come out, but my heart, oh my damn heart just couldn't shut up. "You're the guy who will stay with the girlfriend out of obligation, and yes you love the girlfriend but there's another girl that maybe, just maybe, makes your insides burn, something about that other girl pulls you in, like you were destined to be together. Maybe that girl hurt you so bad that you don't want to give her another chance but remember that you'd be robbing yourself of that chance too. Maybe she's so desperate to make it up to you that she'd do anything, absolutely anything to make it right, even let you walk away if that's what you wanted. You're that guy"

I waited.

He stood there.

Silence.


	22. Heartbreak Warfare

**Author's Note – I cut this chapter a bit short just to get it out. I hope you like it. **

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**Heartbreak Warfare' by John Mayer**_

_How come the only way to know how high you get me  
Is to see how far I fall  
God only knows how much I'd love you if you'd let me  
But I can't break through it all_

**Chapter 22 – Heartbreak Warfare**

**Jacob's POV**

I was that guy.

But I didn't want to be. And fuck Bella for throwing that in my face, two can play at that game. I walked back up the steps and stood a foot in front of her.

In my most venomous tone, I laid into her. "You're the girl that uses the guy as her crutch, until she doesn't need him any more. You're the girl who reels in the guy, gives him hope then tosses him out again. The girl that takes and takes and takes till the guy has nothing left to give. The girl that lets the guy get a taste of her love then disappears leaving the guy hungry for more. The girl that lets the guy make love to her then runs back into the arms of a fucking leech again and again. The girl that is so hard to forget that the guy still dreams about her even though he consciously refuses to so much as think about her. The girl that promises to leave the guy alone but somehow manages to tear his heart out and stomp all over it every single time he sees her. The girl that makes the guy forget his girlfriend who helped him move on. The girl that the guy is so fucking stupidly willing to give up a four year relationship for, just for a simple _maybe_. The girl that the guy is so fucking in love with, _still_, that it rips his guts out trying to deny it"

Tears fell. What use was there in holding them back.

She stared at me with anguish in her watery eyes, she didn't say anything so I continued.

My voice fell to almost a broken whisper. "You're the girl who tempts the guy to throw away his pride and beg her to take him back just for one more day of her love. The girl that the guy is so scared to walk away from, just in case she disappears. The girl that the guy is fighting so fucking hard to turn away from, that he thinks it will kill him."

"Then don't go," she said.

I shook my head feebly, I was breaking.

"I am that girl, who did all those horrible things," she admitted. "But I'm also the girl that loves the guy so deeply, that she will wait with open arms for the guy as long as it takes and if he never comes back she'll have to live with that knowing it was her doing."

She closed the gap between us and reached up and held my face, my tears washing over her hands and trailing down her wrists. I just wanted to earth to open up and swallow me whole.

She'd done what I wanted, she admitted that she has made the biggest mistakes and how awful she feels about how she mistreated me. What more was I waiting for? I had no idea what would make me jump from this tightrope I was teetering on. Her face was flushed from crying and her lips trembling, she was so beautiful, my Bells.

I pressed my forehead against hers. "I'm the guy is so fucked up right now that he doesn't know what to do. I'm the guy who has a girlfriend in his bed at his dad's house. I'm the guy who's meant to be going home to Hawaii this week. I'm the guy who needs to get his head screwed on straight before he can decide anything."

"God I love you Jake. So much more now than ever, it's taking everything I have not to push you into something that would make you the first guy."

I shook my head. "I'm definitely _not_ that guy." And with that I gave her a peck on the cheek and left.

I drove back to La Push. It was still dark but the last thing I felt like doing was crawling into bed with Zoe, so I was going to make my way to the beach after I grabbed a blanket off the chair on the porch. Feeling the cold now was really annoying.

As I neared the track that led to the beach I noticed Embry's car, the window was open and his feet were hanging out.

"Hey man," he said as his eyes opened. "What time is it?"

"Hey, it's early morning. I don't know."

"You ok? You look like shit," he said sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"I was just at Bella's and… I don't know," I told him truthfully.

He scooted over and opened the door for me to get in. "Look, it's obvious she loves you man, so if the feeling is mutual… then what?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "I have a girlfriend who I happen to love, a life in Hawaii and…"

Embry put the seat back and set his feet on the dashboard. "Do you love Zoe more than Bella? I know what Bella did with that bloodsucker was fucking brutal but don't settle for second best because you can't forgive her."

Wow, Embry was a douchebag at times but at that moment I realized that I was using Zoe like Bella was using me back in the day. I couldn't make her second best, I knew exactly what it felt like. She had to be my priority, the only one or nothing at all.

Once again I found myself in a fucked up three way, but now I was in a different position. I now truly understood the predicament that Bella was in four years ago, and I was finally at peace with the fact that she loved _him_ too and what she did was out of confusion not some twisted way to torture me. She was just as lost as I was back then, I was just better at pretending whereas she spiraled out of control.

When I got back to the house the sun was rising. I went to my room where Zoe was still sleeping and kicked off my shoes and climbed in. I wrapped my arm around her waist and she stirred.

"Hey babe," she whispered and kissed my lips. "Was I totally out of it or were you gone most of the night?" she asked.

I had to be completely honest with her, I owed to her and to us. "Um, yeah I had something I needed to do." I wasn't sure how to continue.

Zoe turned to face me. "Okay, how about I give you a _really_ good morning?" And her hand trailed down my chest to the zip on my pants.

Of course my dick double crossed me and stood to attention so what I was about to say would not go down well. "Zoe… um we need to talk."

She dropped her hand and sat back on her heels. "Wow Jake, talk about killing the mood." I knew she was nervous, humor was always her attempt at diffusing a situation. She swallowed nervously, "should I be worried?"

"I just need to… try to explain some stuff to you." I gnawed at my lip. "Shit that's been making me crazy."

Zoe grabbed my hands in hers and gave them a reassuring squeeze, "all right, why don't we get dressed and head out to get some breakfast and we can talk"

I nodded and gave her a pathetic grin.

I changed out of last nights clothes while Zoe was in the bathroom and started throwing my clothes in a pile to make for easier packing when it was time to leave in a few days. My head automatically turned to the door when I heard a conversation in the other room. I stepped closer and positioned my ear at the opening, no more wolf hearing, and caught Bella's voice. Shit! She must be here to pick up Charlie.

I leapt across my bed and grabbed my wallet and keys from the night stand and headed for the kitchen. Bella stood leaning against the counter with her arms folded across her chest while Zoe poured a cup of coffee. Bella's gaze shifted to me and as our eyes met, mine automatically darted to Zoe who was eying us suspiciously.

Bec was making pancakes at the stove while Milly watched the Wiggles on the couch. "Morning baby bro."

"Morning," I answered and walked over to kiss Milly on the top of her head.

Bec had a huge stack of pancakes on the plate beside her. "Grab some plates and help yourselves," she said throwing a fresh one on top. "You too Bella."

"Oh I'm fine, thanks anyway," Bella responded still looking at me.

Zoe put her cup in the sink. "Oh we're good Bec, Jake's taking me out for breakfast."

Bec cooed sarcastically. "Aw, well you have the best boyfriend ever," and they laughed.

Just then Charlie walked in and grabbed his jacket off the back of one of the kitchen chairs. "Mornin' Jake."

"Hey Charlie," I greeted him.

"Ok Bells, I'm all set." He patted at his pockets to make sure he had his wallet. "Thanks for putting me up last night Billy," he yelled in the direction of my dad's room

Bella absentmindedly twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "Bye guys" she said addressing everyone. "Enjoy your breakfast," she whispered staring at me.

I winced "Bye Bella."

Zoe gave them a literal wave of her hand and pushed me from behind towards the door. "Okay buddy, let's get out of here, I'm starving."


	23. Blessing or Curse?

**Author's Note**** - Hey Kids! Happy New Year and all that jazz. So the next installment in my little story is a Jacob POV. Draining to write and a bit confrontational but hey, you should know by know that's just how i roll. **

**Shout out to ****txgal77**** for being as enthusiastic of this story as i am - i look forward to your reviews and PM's *hug***

**I have a banner link for this story on my profile page and a Xmas themed oneshot too so check it out :-)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**All I Know' by Lisa Mitchell**_

_And my heart leaps out of its bars  
Will tomorrow be much worse  
Is this love a blessing or a curse?_

_And all i know, Is that I, I'll never let you go  
I'll never let you go, I'll never let you go_

**Chapter 23 – Blessing or Curse?**

**Jacob's POV**

My mind was hazy. What the hell had just happened?

I was at the diner with Zoe and my God's honest intention was to explain and get her to understand, as much as I could expect her to I guess, that this _thing_ with Bella and I was slowly picking away at the pieces of my sanity. That I needed Zoe to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth so that I knew I had laid my soul bare to her, so she could never accuse me of lying or cheating or keeping things from her.

And now we were driving back to La Push, Zoe had a resolute look on her face and I had somehow wound up agreeing to fly back to Hawaii with her this afternoon instead of with my sister and Milly a few days from now.

Random things we said flashed through me mind;

…"_Bella's the girl I told you about"_

…"_Jake I love you and I know I can make you happy again, just let me"_

…"_Zoe I'm not being fair to you, she is so fucking still a part of me I just wanna tear my insides out"_

…"_Let's just go home Jake, baby it'll be just you and me"_

…"_Zoe I do love you"_

…"_Do you love me enough Jake?"_

…"_I don't want you to be in this sick twisted place that I was in 4 years ago, wondering whether you're good enough"_

…"_I'm begging you Jake, please don't… don't do to me what she did to you"_

…"_Yeah, I'll come home with you"_

Back at the house I apologized to dad who was more than understanding about my sudden departure. I changed my flights and packed my stuff together. Everything was sorted and I was ready to go, but not ready to leave, not yet.

I had to tell Bella, I had to explain that I was going home and… well I wasn't entirely sure what I was gonna do once I was there. God I was a fucking mess.

I said my goodbyes to my family and friends and hopped in the car, Embry was giving us a ride to Port Angeles but I told him I needed to make a pit stop. Zoe wasn't too pleased with that and urged with me to send a text but after last nights conversation, the phone felt to impersonal.

Embry pulled up at the curb and I leapt up the steps and knocked on the door with urgency. Charlie answered.

"Hey Charlie, um…" I cleared my throat, "is Bella here?"

He nodded silently. "You ok son?"

Was I ok? Fuck no, I hadn't been ok in a long time. "Uh, yeah." He eyed me suspiciously as he called out to Bella.

She walked down the hallway with her hands dripping on the linoleum floor, dishrag over her shoulder. Hope shone in her brown eyes and a smile crept on her lips but as she approached me and caught my expression, her face crumpled.

Emotion thick in my throat I spoke, "I'm leaving."

Her brows pulled together and I could see the effort it was taking for her to keep from breaking down. "I thought… you said," she grit her teeth. "Why?"

"Um, sudden change of plans," I lowered my head and peered over my shoulder at the car, Zoe with arms crossed glaring out the window and Embry pointing to his watch. Bella followed my stare and looked out to the curb, she let out a small bitter laugh. "Right".

There was nothing left to say so I gave her a curt nod and trudged down the stairs.

"Jake!" she yelled in a voice so broken it yanked at me to take her in my arms, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to find her running toward me, tears pouring down her pink flushed cheeks, her frantic eyes searching mine for something unrequited- for now, or forever maybe, I wasn't sure yet. "When will I see you again?"

I had to avert my eyes, she was fucking killing me. I shrugged my shoulders in response, I didn't have the capacity to speak, I would surely choke on the words I didn't really mean.

She clutched my shirt in her fist. "Don't you give up on us," she closed her eyes and let more tears wash over face leaving wet spots on her shirt. She grasped my face with both her tiny hands willing my eyes to meet hers, there was no escape, so I did. "I love you Jake, my heart won't beat right without yours."

She hit the nail on the head, the rhythm of my heart faltered four years ago and hasn't been the same since. I kissed the top of her head leaving my own tears there. "Goodbye Bella," I whispered hoarsely.

She shook her head hysterically. "Don't you dear say goodbye."

I gave her hand a last squeeze and walked the final distance to Embry's car. I heard her sobs and I bit down hard on my cheek to stop me from saying anything else.

I slid in the front seat and took one last look at her, I saw her mouth _I'm sorry_ but it wasn't directed at me, she was looking right at Zoe, who in turn stared right through Bella.

The remainder of the car ride was in silence.

The wait for our flight at the airport was in silence.

The first hour of our plane ride was in silence until I unintentionally opened the floodgate, with a sigh, just a sigh. A simple inhale and exhale of air unleashed something in Zoe and she went nuclear on my ass.

"You fucking smug son of a bitch!" That was precisely what her opening line was.

I glared at her. "Excuse me?"

And then the waterworks started.

"Hey, hey. Zoe baby, please don't cry," I soothed as I wrapped my arm around her shoulder.

She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand. "You're an asshole Jacob Black."

I deserved that. I didn't need to ask what I had done. I knew she was too calm at the diner. I deserved it and I would take it. "Yeah, I know"

She swatted my chest. "Why can't it just be me?" she asked straightforwardly. "Why am I not enough for you?" Her gaze was so vulnerable, she was like a different person now.

My chest ached, why was I now the one inflicting pain on the people that _I _loved? "God Zoe…" How do I explain this right? "…it has been just you, I _never_ let myself think about Bella, but all that stuff was bottled up inside, hidden away and it was like a fucking grenade waiting for someone to pull the pin." What a stupid analogy, I thought. "And seeing her again did just that."

She almost breathed a sigh of relief. "So you haven't been daydreaming about her all this time?"

I shook my head. "No, no… it's been just you and me," I told her as she placed a tentative hand on my cheek.

Just then the stewardess came by with refreshments and the tension eased. There was a lot left unsaid but I knew we would pick up when we got home.

The taxi ride home was full of light hearted chit chat about missing the sunshine and the water and going back to work and having to get some groceries. Our unfinished conversation was like an elephant in the room, or taxi as it may be.

The house was empty when we got home. And we went straight into our room to drop the bags off. I saw Zoe hesitate at the end of the bed with her back towards me. Then she took off her jacket and slipped each strap off her shoulder and pulled her dress down to her ankles. She kicked her boots off her feet and pulled the elastic out of her hair and loosened her blonde curls with her fingers.

I was putty in her seductive hands, God they were great hands, but there was too much unfinished business to take care of. I wouldn't let her do this to avoid everything that happened. My dick had other ideas as per usual.

She sauntered over and went straight for my jeans unbuttoning and unzipping them as swiftly as could be. "Zoe," I breathed biting my lip. "Don't," I continued with all the authority of a mouse.

My dick was throbbing, I had the worst case of blue balls in the history of man kind. With all the drama I hadn't even so much as jacked off in the shower.

She clasped her hand around my cock and I instinctively jerked my hips. "Jake, it's just you and me."

_And Bella_ I thought.

"Stop!" I grabbed her wrist and lifted it to my chest. "Not like this, ok?"

She snatched her hand away from me and folded her arms over her chest. "Like what exactly?" she asked, "because we are alone, in our own house, what is wrong with that?"

I tried to be understanding. "After everything that's happened today? Really?" I tried to soften my tone so I didn't seem as though I was accusing her of something, which I kinda was, her answer was always sex. And it usually worked but this was just too fucked up right now.

She looked defeated. She sank back down on the edge of the bed and pulled a t-shirt over her head. I could literally see her brain ticking as I did my pants back up. She shook her head.

"You know what, we have been together for four years Jake, four fucking years…" her finger pointed at my chest, "… living together, loving each other, building a life together." A sob broke through her chest but she regained composure and continued, "and you're thinking about a girl you had a crush on when you were a kid?"

She laughed when I knew all she wanted to do was cry. "Is that how little I mean to you?"

I huffed in frustration. "Don't do that. You know it wasn't some fucking crush."

She grit her teeth. "You were fucking seventeen, what did you know about anything?" She pushed at my chest, "huh?"

I tried to keep in control of my temper. "There's… _things_ I can't tell you about that time but, I'd seen a whole fucking other world by the time I was seventeen."

"Oh yeah I bet. You lived in a little house in the middle of nowhere, on a fucking reservation and had a crush on your best friend. Yeah you had major insight," she spat at me mockingly.

My blood was boiling, she had every right to be pissed but belittling my feelings, she didn't know the fucking half of it. "Drop it," I almost ordered her.

"No!" She was hysterical, and she pushed me some more. "Is she better than me? Huh? Did she fuck you better than me? Did she love you better than me?"

She waited for a reply. I couldn't give her one, I was afraid the answer would be _yes, yes, God yes!_

She was losing it. "You're pathetic!" she accused, "why are you doing this to me?" She pounded her fists against my stomach and she cried. "Why do you love her? You're supposed to love me"

I held her shoulders then wrapped my arms around her "I do love you Zoe, and I'm so sorry that I love her too. I can't make myself not feel that way for her, God knows I've tried."

She flinched away from me. "Try fucking harder. God she ripped your heart out and made you out to be the fool, then she did it again." She watched my reaction.

My nostrils flared, my fists clenched, she was pushing and shoving and I was gonna lose it.

"You loved her and she didn't give a shit, she fucked that other guy and you keep pining away for her! Pathetic." Revulsion was evident in her glare. "So why am _I_ not enough for you?" she screamed.

"Because you're not _her_!" I lost it. I shoved her away, turned to face the wall and slammed my fist through it. "Fuck!" I may be 6 feet and a lot of inches but I felt like the smallest man on the planet at that second.

I slumped down to the floor, knees bent, head leaning back against the wall. What was happening? That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was. The guy who lays his hands on a woman and punches holes in things – I'm not _that_ guy, but for some reason I was _becoming_ him.

Zoe knelt down on the floor and scooted over to me between my knees. "God, I'm so sorry, that was the fucking shittiest thing to say."

I pressed my forehead against hers. "I'm sorry Zoe"

Her tears were on my lips as she pressed her mouth to mine for a brief moment, then she pulled back slightly. "Why do I have to love you so much?" she kissed me again, this time it tasted like goodbye.

She wrapped her arms around my middle and we sat there, just like that for the longest time.

She finally spoke. "Are you going back to her?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "It's been 4 years. I don't even know her. I don't know if it would even work, if we would… fit right together anymore/"

"You're a good man Jacob Black. I'd take you back in a heart beat," she smiled up at me. "Just sayin'."

I took that as my cue to leave. I grabbed some clothes and drove over to Bec's house and used my spare key. I knew she wouldn't mind. I'd get the rest of my stuff another time.

_Am I going back to her? _I asked myself, I wasn't sure. But I was sure of one thing, I was going back to La Push. It was where I belonged.


	24. Breathe Your Light

**Author's Note**** - So, i just couldn't keep this next chapter in any more. It was dying to get it out. So Bella giving us some heartfail in this chapter, deep breath!**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**The Sound Of White' by Missy Higgins**_

_My silence solidifies,  
Until that hollow void erases you,  
Erases you so I can't feel at all.  
But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness  
Will end the painful dream, of you and me..._

_And if I listen to, the sound of white  
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light._

**Chapter 24 – Breathe Your Light**

**Bella's POV**

He left. He's gone.

Again.

I stood in my father's front yard watching the car disappear. I wanted to disappear.

I was cold. I was alone. He was gone

Again.

I was fighting an uphill battle. Each step a reminder of every single way I'd hurt him. My chest ached and the massive void pulsated violently. My heart just didn't beat right without him, its rhythm all messed up, each thud calling for him to come back. He wasn't listening. He'd told me goodbye.

Will he ever come back?

I'm not sure how long I waited, for what, I wasn't exactly sure. Charlie came out, he called my name from the porch but it didn't quite reach me. I wasn't aware of him till he placed a tentative hand on my shoulder and gave it a supportive squeeze.

"Bells?" he asked, asserting whether I was there with him. "Is everything alright?"

"I've got to get back to the dishes," I replied grabbing the dishrag off my shoulder and trudging back to the house.

I went back to the sink and put my hands in the soapy water, it was stone cold. I picked up a plate and began scrubbing mechanically.

Auto-pilot.

Charlie hovered, clearly worried. "Bells, don't you shut down on me again," he pressed, "talk to me kiddo."

"He's gone. End of story," my voice remained calm, "can you please pass the frypan off the stove."

"Honey, I'm gonna give Alice a call," he announced as he walked out of the kitchen.

Alice did come over. I wasn't sure whether she would, we'd be a little on the outs recently. She wasn't thrilled with me focusing on Jacob when I still needed to sort myself out. But such as the obliging friend Alice is, she was there when I needed her.

I was not usually very receptive to Alice's visions but the circumstances were dire. We barely spoke before I begged her to tell me what was going to happen.

"Bella, you know my visions are subjective," she reminded me.

"I know, but just tell me what you see," I pleaded. "Is there any chance he's coming back?"

"Bella, you know I can't see anything around the werewolves, futures just disappear when they are involved."

I swallowed hard. "It's simple then, can you… see my future?"

She closed her eyes and furrowed her brows with utter concentration. Her resulting expression said it all. My future was clear as day. No werewolf

"You're moving with me to Vancouver, Charlie doesn't like the idea at first but we talk him into it…" she babbled on, "… we get an apartment together and Jasper joins us, you finish off your studies and get a job in a research lab, your life is-"

"Stop!" I yelled, "my life is meaningless, if he's not by my side."

"It's _subjective,_" she reminded me again.

"Yeah well, if Jake's being _objective_…" I wiped at my nose, "… he'll never come back to me, no sane person would after all I've done"

Alice scooted over to me and wrapped her arms around my middle, I shivered against her cold touch. "If I see anything, or _don't_ as it may be, I will let you know."

"I'm not holding my breath Alice."

A week passed and still nothing. No blacked out visions from Alice and no contact from Jake.

I bumped into Embry in town, I was shopping for groceries and he was picking some things up for his mom. He helped me get my bags to the car. I was trying to work up the nerve to ask him about Jake but butterflies were assaulting my stomach and if he confirmed my worst fear, that Jake was staying with Zoe, I was going to throw up on him.

He loaded the last of my bags in the car. "All right Bella, well you take care."

I opened my mouth to speak and closed it just as quickly. I settled on a smile instead, I'm not sure what would have come out.

Embry sighed, "I haven't heard anything," he said. "Just in case you were wondering."

My head dropped and I bit my lip. I was not going to cry. "Thanks, see you around."

"He does love you," he consoled, "I mean he does, but whether his pride gets in the way… I can't say."

I nodded and slid into the driver's seat.

I think it would be easier to accept it if he _didn't_ love me. Having affirmation that he still loved but couldn't forgive me enough to try again was so much more painful. Like the pretty picture of our lives together being erased before my eyes. Because I was at fault here - I caused it. Once again, my doing would be the undoing of me.

It was late one night and sleep evaded me as per usual. I reached under my bed and pulled out the box of CD's. I trawled through the plastic cases till I found the one I was looking for. I fumbled with the CD and placed it in the player before skipping to the song I needed.

Placebo, Ask For Answers.

I recalled a conversation in this very room. He'd said;

_"But the agony and the pain is only there because you want that person so much – not because they have caused you pain by their actions"_

Oh God. I put my hand over my mouth when the weight of those remembered words weighed down heavy on my heart. _I _caused _him_ pain with _my _actions.

Lyrics burned into my brain. Lines that cut me like a knife. I absorbed the depth of their meaning like never before.

'_Hanging on my lovers breath'._

'_Always coming second best'._

'_There are no second chances'._

These bonds are shackle free. The five words that summed up our insurmountable friendship, love and connection. The five words he wrote in my 19th birthday card. The five words that I wholeheartedly believed summed up _us_ and our effortless nature.

Remorse and guilt washed over me and I wished we were bound by shackles, I wished he was chained to me so I didn't have to face the prospect of losing him for good.

Then that cheesy saying 'if you love someone let them go and if they come back they're yours to keep' came to me. I would just have to rely on our shackle free bonds.

I walked over to my desk and sat down to open up the laptop. I entered my username and password and logged into my email. I clicked on the email from Alice Cullen and hovered the mouse over the link she'd sent me. I stared at it for so long that the letters blurred into one mass of nothing.

And then I clicked.

A new page opened up from the Vancouver Community College. I followed the prompts to 'Apply online NOW'

Alice was right. Charlie was not keen on me going but finally agreed it was for the best. So with my things packed, my enrollment finalized and a plane ticket in hand I was ready to go.

Alice was thrilled with the prospect of apartment hunting even though she already knew which we would choose. I guess she just wanted to get me a little more involved and excited. Jasper was due to meet us there in a few weeks and Alice was thrilled, it had been over a month since she'd seen him. He was taking a European trip with Edward.

The night before I was due to leave, I spent four hours cooking and freezing food for Charlie. He didn't really need my help anymore, I mean he had Sue who cooked a hell of a lot better than me but he was grateful none the less. I did a load of washing for him and cleaned out the bathroom and kitchen. Keeping my idle hands occupied was hard work.

The morning of my leaving I had actually picked up the phone to dial Billy. I'm not sure what came over me. But I slammed the phone into the cradle as fast as I had picked it up. The one thing he'd said to me a few days after Jake left still had me baffled about the real underlying meaning. 'Things will work out exactly the way they were meant to' – I looked at him blankly not comprehending whether he was trying to tell me 'good riddance' for Jake leaving my sorry ass or what.

God only knows what I would've said had my hand not listened when I commanded it to put the phone down, something like 'oh hey, fyi I'm moving to Vancouver'. Perhaps, not like he didn't know, he'd be the second person Charlie would have told after Sue.

There was the sound of a horn out front. Alice had hired a car so we could drive ourselves to the airport and return it there. She walked in the house after a light knock and greeted Charlie.

"Hi Charlie," she gave him a slight squeeze on his arm conveying her support. "I promise she'll be fine."

Charlie let out a heavy sigh. "I know you'll look out for her Alice, it's just that…" he contemplated how to continue, "… after _everything_ she's been through I just want her to be happy, you know?"

She smiled and nodded.

I had a last look through the house and made sure all my bags were in the car and ticket in my bag and I said my goodbye to Charlie.

I blinked away the tears that were threatening to shed. "I love you dad." I bit my lip and continued, "I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through, but it's really time for me to move on."

"You've had a rough trot Bells"

"Yeah well, I made my bed… and I had to lie in it," I snickered. "That's just how life rolls."

He swept me up in a big embrace. "I love ya kiddo," he kissed my cheek. "You be good to yourself, I'm gonna… miss you."

"Diddo."

We all walked out the front door and down to the car in the drive way. I gave Charlie one last wave and opened the car door.

Alice stood at the drivers side. "Bella," she said.

I looked over at her and followed her gaze over my shoulder. Parked on the other side of the street was a recognizable faded red car. A Rabbit. A few feet away from the car stood a familiar man. My breath faltered and i gasped. My erratic heart began beating at a hundred miles an hour and my feet felt like lead, would I be able to move? His stoic face remained composed as I stared at him, deciding that I was the one that had to make the first move. I gathered that it took a lot for him to come here in the first place.

I looked over at Alice, then at Charlie, their expressions surprise with a touch of resentment. I hesitated and placed my bag on the passenger seat and my plane ticket on top and then I willed my legs to move and take me to him. I crossed the road and stood directly in front of him. Taking all of him in, God his presence make my insides do back flips, or perhaps it was my shredded nerves because I wasn't certain what he was here to tell me. But the fact that he _was_ here, was a sign of something, good or bad, I could sense a turning point in my life ahead.

We stared at each other motionless.

His brows were creased into a scowl. He looked older again, but a beautiful man whose years added to his appeal not took away from it. Then he spoke. "I thought you'd wait however long it takes."

He uttered the words I'd said to him the night after his sisters party, when he'd come to Charlie's and we had a very revealing talk. I had told him I'd wait with open arms for as long as it took, but here I was a few weeks later - leaving. But it was for my own sanity I reminded myself. My heart would belong to him forever and it didn't matter if it was in Forks or Vancouver, it _was _his to do with what he pleased. I prayed silently that he was coming to reclaim it.

He was blurry through the wetness collecting in my eyes. "Yes. But I can't wait here, I'm drowning in the memories," I told him honestly. And I was - a constant reminder of my Jacob and his sunshine and warmth made the wait excruciating, chipping away at whatever was left of me, clutching at the recollections of better times together, holding on to those to keep me afloat.

He looked over at Alice standing by the car, and at Charlie now at the bottom of the porch steps. "Where are you going?"

"That depends. Why are you here?" I needed to know what was going on.

His eyes were guarded. "I'm moving back to La Push."

My chest filled with joy at the notion that he was moving home. But he needed to clarify, "No, why are you _here,_ at my house?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I had to tell you I was back." I thought he was going to reach out for me but he shoved his hands in his pockets. "So where are you going?"

I hadn't noticed that Alice was standing by my side. "Bella we need to leave now if we're going to catch our flight."

I was in limbo - neither here nor there. So I asked again. "Jake I have a ticket to Vancouver and all my things packed and ready to leave." His expression was pained as I asked one final time. "Why. Are. You. Here?"

He bit his lip.

"Alice, can you see anything?" I asked. Limbo.

"It keeps changing, he's not sure."

Tears now ran down my cheeks, at this precipice of a life altering moment it was hard to breath. The two alternatives played out in my mind; me in Vancouver with Alice or me here with Jake making a life together. I could see the hesitation and uncertainty behind his brown eyes. "Jake, _please_."

He threw his head back and took a deep breath, when his eyes met mine again they were glassy. "I can't promise you anything," he took another steadying breath, "but I'm here."

I sighed in relief. A chance, just one more chance was all I longed for. I knew we could get it all back if he just let his guard down enough to let me in again. I could make him happy, I _would_ make him happy. "God Jake, that's enough, I'll settle for a maybe."

He smiled. His beautiful warm Jacob smiled. I made that happen. It had been the longest time since I'd seen it because I was the one that made it disappear. But here it was again.


	25. Completeness

**Author's Note - After all the drama and angst i have inflicted on Bella and our beloved Jake, things are starting to look up. Enjoy, and a perfectly fitting song if i do say so myself :-)**

**Special shout out to ****Txgal77**** who is waiting up to read this LOL (Shhhhh, do not scream or you'll wake the kids) & ****UntilWeBleed**** who is generously working on banners for this story and my oneshots - you rock!**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

_'__**Gorecki' by Lamb**_

_If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear  
For I've never known completeness, Like being here  
Wrapped in the warmth of you, Loving every breath of you  
Still my heart this moment, Or it might burst_

_Could we stay right here  
Till the end of time, till the earth stops turning  
Wanna love you, till the seas run dry  
I've found the one I've waited for_

**Chapter 25 – Completeness**

**Jacob's POV**

Home. I was back home.

It had taken me a few weeks to wrap things up in Hawaii. I had to give my boss two weeks notice and in the meantime I tied up all my loose ends, packed my stuff and got prepared to leave.

Bec was pissed at me. She thought going back to La Push was a monumental error in judgment. She told me I was going backwards instead of moving forward. I guess she would see it like that. Bec couldn't get out of there fast enough, but I was different. There was nothing I was running away from anymore, it was time to go home.

Bec was adamant I'd miss the sun and warmth of Hawaii, she'd always loathed the lack of either in La Push. But, it never bothered me, the cool weather and gloomy skies never reflected on my moods, it was in fact the opposite, like I needed to be warm and cheerful to balance it out or something. Bella always did tell me I was her sun so I guess it kinda made sense that way.

I spent every other waking minute with the girl I would miss more than anything. She may only be 2 and a half years old but she was such a huge part of my life I wasn't entirely sure how I'd cope not seeing her practically every day.

The day I told Milly I was moving away was one of the hardest of my life. Those huge brown doe eyes drooping and her mouth automatically pouting pulled at my heart strings in every which way.

"Hey squirt. Uncle Jake needs to have a little talk with you."

"Uh huh."

"I'm gonna move back where grampa lives so I'm not gonna get to see you all the time anymore."

Her little brows creased. "You not come over to play anymore?"

Tears pricked at my eyes. "No squirt, but I'll come visit lots and you can come visit me and grampa too," I told her.

"I miss you uncle Jake. Who take me to play ball at beach?"

There were no words. The tears rolled down my cheeks and dripped on Milly's knee. I smiled.

She reached her plump little hand up and wiped the wetness from my cheeks. "Don't cry uncle Jake, grampa can play ball with you."

I swept her up in a hug as the torrent of tears rained down on her black mass of curls. "I love you so much Milly, I'm gonna miss you like crazy squirt."

She kissed my cheek. "I love you more. Up to stars and back,"

I was a goner. I cried like a baby.

I had a plan. There was a property for sale just on the outskirts of La Push, I still had to check it out but it looked like it would be the perfect space for my own mechanic workshop and I would move back in with my dad until I figured myself out.

There was also something else I needed to figure out. Bella Swan. Well it was more to do with Bella Swan than Bella Swan herself. Like I'd told Zoe when she asked me if I was going back to Bella, it had been four years, I didn't really know her anymore and I wasn't sure we would work. I always thought I was exactly right for her, but would we fit right after all this time?

But my heart was firmly anchored in Bella's hands, I had to dive into the murky waters of the unknown and see what came of it. How could I walk away? I was bound to her no matter how much I longed for those ties to be severed. I could not walk away, I had to discover if there was something worth pursuing here. But slowly, one fragile step at a time and we'd see what happened.

When I arrived back in town I literally dropped my things off at my dad's house and filled the Rabbit with gas, destination. Forks, Charlie's house precisely. As I approached the house I saw suitcases and bags being loaded into a rental car, the company name was advertised on the door. Alice walked back inside as my heart leapt into my throat.

I pulled up just past the house and stepped out of the car. My heart was pounding at the scene unfolding before me, Bella in an embrace with Charlie just inside the front door, then walking to the car with a wave at a sullen looking Charlie. In that instant, I locked eyes with Alice and a moment later Bella turned and looked over at me.

We stared at each other and she finally crossed the road. She was nervous, I was scared shitless. Was she leaving? I reminded her how she'd told me she'd wait however long it takes. Then she confirmed my worst fears – she was leaving.

I asked her where she was going. She asked me why I was there. I told her I'd moved back and I was there to tell her. I was going out on a limb here and really putting myself out there by coming to her right away but, after all these years, we both needed to take that initial step and this was mine.

She kept asking again and again why I was there, couldn't she see the pain in my eyes at the prospect of her leaving? My mind kept racing from the alternate paths this could go. Alice couldn't see either.

But my intention was to come here to try again. I guess she needed me to say it, she was ready to go to Vancouver, all I had to do was say something to give her a glimmer of the hope I carried for us. But would that be enough? I couldn't offer her any more right now, uncertainty smothering us and acting as a physical barrier.

My eyes were welling up. _I can't promise you anything, but I'm here._ That's what I told her and with sudden relief she told me that was enough and she would settle for a maybe. A massive weight lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. I smiled, it was the first real smile I'd given her in as long as I could remember.

I took her in my arms and squeezed as hard as I could. We walked over the road together and approached Charlie and Alice. I greeted Charlie who was not too impressed to see me but when he saw the look on Bella's face, he couldn't deny that this was exactly what she wanted.

So as it turned out Alice did go to Vancouver, promising Bella always had an open invitation. Bella returned her things to her room at Charlie's. And I would be living at my dad's. For now, it all depended on how things went from here.

I carried the last bag up the stairs into her room. She'd already started unpacking her clothes.

"Thanks Jake."

"No problem," I replied, taking in the surroundings of her room. I thought about all the times I'd been up here, then a specific one jumped to mind - the time she kissed me. "Umm, I gotta go. I sort of dropped everything at home and came here."

She looked down at the floor. "Oh, okay," she nodded. "When will I… I mean can I see you or -"

"Let's just, hang out. Tomorrow," I suggested.

She smiled. "All right."

"Okay, I'll pick you up about ten o'clock." We took an awkward step towards each other and I reached my hand up to place it on her cheek. She leaned into it and rested her own hand gently over mine. My heart did a little somersault. I liked the feeling. I hesitated but gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Her brows furrowed with confusion but she nodded, "see you then". My hand dropped from her cheek and as I turned to leave she added, "welcome home."

"Yeah, it feels right," I smiled with a lightness I hadn't felt in a while. I was home, in every sense of the word, this _was_ right.

The next morning I met the real estate agent at the property, he showed me through it and it was exactly what I was looking for. It needed a hell of a lot of work but manpower I could round up – money didn't grow on trees and this was just in my price range. I asked him if he could leave the keys with me so I could show it to a friend and he agreed.

Perfect I thought to myself.

I grabbed a few things from the house and threw a blanket into the trunk. I laughed to myself, the blanket was always an instinctual item that I had around for Bella because she was forever getting cold. The memory warmed me. The lack of my werewolf heat wasn't enough for us both anymore.

Bella was eagerly waiting on the porch when I got to Charlie's. I parked the Rabbit in the driveway and walked up the steps to meet her.

"Good morning," I said. There was an air about her that I just couldn't put my finger on.

"It is, isn't it?" she smiled gloriously at me. I reached out for her hand to help her to her feet. When she was standing I released my grip on her hand to let go but she tightened hers and entwined her fingers in mine. I glanced at our connected hands then at her face, she shrugged. "They still fit together."

And they did, perfectly so. We were yet to see if the rest of us did too.

I led Bella to the Rabbit and helped her in, then I walked around to my side and looked up at the house where I saw a glimpse of Charlie giving me a death stare through the window. I laughed to myself and gave him a quick wave. I guess I had to redeem myself in his book.

The car ride was in relative silence but that was fine, we glanced over at each other from time to time, like we were checking to make sure this was real. She finally asked where I was taking her.

"It's a surprise, just somewhere to hang out," I divulged.

In no time I was pulling up to the property. Bella looked at me confused. I grabbed a bag out of the trunk and led her inside. She looked around puzzled.

"Jake where are we?"

"This-" I motioned with my arms, "-is gonna be my garage," I revealed.

She gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "Oh my gosh! this is yours?"

"Yeah… well no, not yet but I am buying it and turning it into a garage." That's what I had always wanted to do. The only thing I ever wanted to be was a mechanic and here I was doing it.

"Wow Jake, that's… awesome." She came over to me and threw her arms around my neck. "Congratulations."

I hugged her back. "Thanks, now grab a create and take a seat," I motioned over to where there was a stack of old milk creates and she grabbed two and placed them side by side on the floor.

She sat down and I joined her. "Jake, I just want you to know I'm so glad you're back."

"Me too," I said, "and I need you to know that I just want to go back to the start, back to the beginning where it was just Jake 'n' Bells, you know?"

She nodded. "Anything you need, I'm not going anywhere."

I could almost feel everything shift just ever so slightly and it all clicked perfectly into place, exactly where it should be, exactly where I should be and I was hoping I was still exactly right for her.

In the pools of her brown eyes I could almost see the future I longed for reflected there. Jake and Bella, effortlessly together again, creating a life, a home, a marriage, a family. But starting from ground zero and building it all back up again. The foundation of our relationship was rocked so hard that it all shattered into rubble, but now, there was a clean slate to start reassembling our life.

She took my right hand and hesitantly placed it on her chest, directly over her heart. "Do you feel that?" she asked, "it's beating exactly right again, like it should be."

I concentrated on the steady thumping of her heart under my tentative hand I leaned over and pressed a kiss onto her lips. She flinched back a fraction with my unexpected gesture but she soon melted into it. Take it slowly I reminded myself. Her mouth was so familiar, like it was just yesterday that I had lost myself in her. I pulled back and pressed my forehead against hers. "God," I whispered, "I never forgot the way you taste." Her heavy breaths fanned my face, she was still my Bells.

I composed myself and I grabbed the bag, reached in and pulled out two cans of warm coke and handed her one. "Just like old times."

Her eyes were glassy as she tried to blink out the tears collecting there. "Yeah, I sure hope so."

**A/N - Only an Epilogue to go kids! **


	26. Epilogue

**Author's Note – Drum roll please! Here is the epilogue… ta da! I give you a monstrous (for me) more than 6,500 words for your reading pleasure. Let me warn there is fluff, lemons, drama (I am, after all, a drama **_**queen**_**), angst (x 1,000), comedy and an ending worthy of my blood sweat and tears.**

**SUPER SPECIAL SHOUT OUTS… Txgal77 – you rock my socks in the best ways baby, without your 'inspiring' Taylor Lautner emails, the lemons would be lacking, how shall I put this… bite? I'm so humbled that you loved this story as much as I do, so here is YOUR epilogue. UntilWeBleed – you creative minx you, kisses for your wickedly wonderful banners and for being my photoshop bitch.**

**And big high fives all around to everyone who has read this and fist pumps to all those who've taken the time to review.**

**This is going to be LEGEN- wait for it… -DARY (well according to me LOL)**

**No copyright intended, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer (if she's done it right, whatever would we do with our time?)**

_'__**One' by Lamb**_

_Here's a story of lovers finding  
Union so deep there is no unwinding  
Tender threads exquisitely binding  
Two lives together one soul deep resounding_

_Love so strong whatever the weather  
Even apart our souls are together  
It's you and me, babe, forever and ever  
Even apart we're dreaming together_

_One…_

**Epilogue**

**Twenty three months later.**

Bliss.

Our life was bathed in bliss. Jake and I had done precisely what he had hoped for. We started back at the beginning, when it was just a hopeful girl and a determined boy and endless possibilities. We may have been more than four years older, but the sequel went much like the first time round. Time spent in Jake's garage, only this time he was building his own business, evenings riding motorbikes on old back roads, only this time it wasn't to awaken a hallucination of a beautiful boy and lazy afternoons with hands entwined on a bleached out log at La Push beach, only this time _I_ was as certain as Jake was, even back then, that he was exactly right for me.

Our relationship progressed at an effortless pace. There was no rush, no hurry, we could just take our time, because now we had all the time in the world. Charlie took a few months to warm to the idea of Jake being back in my life. He couldn't deny that this was the happiest and most content he'd ever seen me and he knew it was all at Jake's hands. Billy was thrilled that things had worked out just the way he'd always hoped they would.

We moved in together at Billy's about eight months after Jake got back. His bedroom was tiny and impractical but it made sense since we decided to build our own home on Billy's land. Jake had always loved La Push and so had I so it just seemed the natural thing to do.

Jake had employed Embry and Quil to work at the garage with him. I helped out by managing the books and I was finishing my course at a community college in Port Angeles. Once that was done I would hopefully get a job in Forks so I'd be close to home too.

Our new home was coming together nicely albeit at a snails pace. It was a modest three bedroom home with a large kitchen that overlooked the yard and a sweet porch that wrapped around the kitchen and lounge. Everyone we knew pitched in to do what they could to help us. I was pretty a useless 'handyman' so I cooked round the clock whenever I was home, even Emily commented on my improved skills as feeding the monstrous appetites of werewolves. Jake's appetite never faltered even though he hadn't phased in years. He could still inhale what normal people would consider a family sized meal.

Winter was fast approaching and Jake was hopeful that the house would be completed by then. He spent every spare minute tinkering around with something in our home. Between the garage and the house we barely spent any quality time together, there was always at least one other person around. And when we were alone at night, he was so exhausted that he was asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

The week prior to completion I ate some questionable leftovers at Charlie's house and I was sick as a dog. I had the worst case of food poisoning and had to be hospitalized overnight and put on a drip because I literally couldn't even keep water down. I should have known better, the labs I recalled from college when we had to grow cultures from all sorts of things like food that had been left out. The stuff that grew on those agar plates was beyond disgusting. The doctors actually though I may have some major morning sickness but I made it clear I was on birth control and it was definitely my consumption of bad food that was the cause. They insisted on a pregnancy test just to be sure. Negative. Not that Jake and I were being intimate much these days.

Due to my illness, I hadn't been inside the house and it seemed like Jake was happy to keep it that way. Whenever I offered to go over and have a look he assured me that things were moving slowly and there was nothing new to see or that the floor varnish was wet or something to keep me out.

I got back late on a Friday evening having visited Charlie after my last class. Jake ran up to meet me as I pulled up the gravel driveway.

"Hey Bells," he said as he opened the car door for me.

"Hi," I replied giving him a long languid kiss on the mouth.

"So I have a surprise for you," he revealed as he raised his brows and bit his lip. God he was sexy without even trying.

I ran a finger down the v-neck of his t-shirt and down his stomach. "Can I guess what it might be?" He grabbed my wrist as my finger skipped over the buckle of his belt.

He stepped in closer to me and roughly pulled me into him with his huge hand by the small of my back. He grazed his nose along the length of my jaw from my chin to my ear and breathed, "my surprise is even bigger than…" he clutched my hand and roughly positioned it over the bulge in his jeans and pressed against it firmly, "…than _this,_" squeezing himself over the top of my hand.

I swallowed audibly. "Oh God Jake, can _that_…" I grasped his crotch again, "just be my special surprise?"

He moved back a few inches from me, "geez Bells is that all you think about? You have a dirty mind honey."

His firm fingers dug into my hip and it was hard to think about anything else. It had been too long. "Maybe, but come on, it has been a while"

"Yeah! But my surprise will certainly lead to _that."_ He took my hand and turned to make his way to Billy's house.

Once inside, Jake handed me a small box with a bow on it. "What's this?" I asked with a quizzical expression.

He shrugged his wide shoulders, "open it and see."

I slowly removed the bow from the box and pulled the lid off. Nestled on a bed of blue velvet was a key. "Oh my God Jake!" I screamed.

His smile and a nod of his head was all I needed to confirm that this was the key to our new home. "There's still more work to be done but, it's at a state where we can comfortably live there."

I touched the key like some might touch a sparkling diamond ring. This key pledged me more than any ring ever could. It held so many possibilities and endless winding paths of potential and promise. This was the physical foundation of our commitment to one another. It will be our canvas, to create a collage of experiences and memories that will be beautiful, and uniquely ours.

I embraced Jake with every fiber of my being, conveying every ounce of gratitude that I felt for him being in my life. "Thank you." Two words that held so much more than I could ever explain.

He took my face in his palms. "I love you Bella", he told me as his eyes bore through to my soul.

"And_ I_ love you," I placed my head on his chest and listened to the steady beating of his heart. Jake wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "You are _so_ getting lucky tonight," I revealed and he bellowed out a huge laugh.

"Come on, let me take you home."

Tears welled in my eyes. "I really like the sound of that." And we locked hands and headed out the front door.

Jake led me up the seven steps to the porch, I had the key firmly clutched in my hand, so hard that when he pried my palm open the outline of the key had left a mark. I blushed when he noticed it and traced the outline with his finger.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Definitely," I nodded.

He put the key in the lock and turned it until it clicked open. He swiftly snaked an arm around my back and one behind my knees and swept me off the floor. "Let's do this right, I'm carrying you over the threshold."

I laughed out loud as I dangled off his broad shoulders. He pushed the solid wood door open and walked in closing it behind him with his foot. It was almost like I was seeing it for the first time, he'd done so much work to it since I last saw it. I gasped, "Jake it's just… perfect." And it certainly was.

The kitchen was to the left and it had an island bench in the middle and huge bay windows overlooking the yard, the stone colored bench tops accentuated the white lacquered cupboard doors. Tiny mosaic tiles covered the walls in the kitchen in beautiful earthy tones. The wooden floors were varnished to a brilliant sheen, the shade of wood reminded me of the color of his wolf's fur. The lounge on the right had a glorious fireplace nestled between two massive French doors that opened onto the porch. A wide hallway lit by small lights lining the walls led to two small bedrooms on the right, and a laundry room and bathroom on the left. At the end of the hallway was our bedroom, it was at the back of the house and the entire back wall was covered in windows that opened out to the forest. There were glorious willow trees everywhere. Prettier than any picture.

I turned to face him when we entered our room. "There's a bed in here," I stated simply.

He closed the gap between us and swept my hair from my shoulders. "You noticed huh?" Jake continued to run his hands over my shoulder blades, down the small of my back, over my ass and stopped at my thighs.

My breath hitched and I nodded. "Uh huh, I did notice."

In an instant he grasped my thighs and lifted me up where I wrapped my arms around his neck and entwined my legs around his hips locking my ankles behind his butt. His eyes were liquid molten as he pressed his erection against me through his jeans and mine. "God Bells," he moaned against my mouth and then he pressed his lips urgently against mine.

Desperation made the air around us thick with anticipation. Jake walked over to flick the light switch off and I released his neck and dove my right hand down between us to rub the bulge in his pants and I fumbled with his belt buckle. He led us to the nearest wall and pressed my back up against it and himself harder against me. There was a fire between my thighs that longed for Jake's touch.

He released my lips and worked his way over to my ear where his warm breath made my insides scream for mercy. As his teeth grazed a trail down my chest I pulled my shirt up and over my head in one foul swoop, I reached around and undid my bra and dropped it to the floor. One of his hands left my butt to caress my breast, then his mouth moved to the other one and his tongue teased and tortured me as I arched my back in signal for more.

He set me on my feet for a moment and with us panting in unison we pulled our jeans off and kicked them to the side. I tore his t-shirt off his body and scratched at his skin with my nails, digging them in and clutching him closer. He winced in pain and delight. I pushed at him to make his way over to the bed and I sat him on the edge. I knelt down on the floor and pushed his thighs apart.

"Fuck Bells. God, if you put your sweet lips on me, I won't be able to hold on," he said tangling his hand in the back of my hair.

I shrugged my shoulders and reassured him with a sly grin. "It's ok, we can go twice."

I took him in my hand and teased a trail from the base to the tip with my tongue. I circled the tip over and over and lowered my mouth over him while working up a slow motion with my hand still firmly around the base. He flinched and moaned while I worked my mouth over every inch of his cock over and over and over again, his hands tugging at my hair in approval and his hips bucking under me. I knew he was close. Suddenly his rhythm became disjointed and with some final coaxing from my mouth he exploded in orgasm and moaned out in release.

He quickly scooped me up under my arms and dragged me up over him and kissed my mouth fiercely. "Geez Bells. Your mouth is… awesome!" he breathed while I giggled. He regained his composure and rolled me over to lie on the bed next to him while he propped himself up on an elbow. "I may need a few minutes before I can go again," he said raking his eyes down my naked body. "I'm pretty sure I think of a way to kill those few minutes," he grinned.

I swallowed hard, my mouth was suddenly dry. "Uh huh, I bet you can."

He moved down the bed and sat on the edge as he lifted one of my legs over his head and held it in his hand so he was positioned between them. He lifted my foot to his mouth as a smile played on my lips. I hated my feet being touched, it was like nails down a chalk board and he knew it. His teeth grazed the arch of my foot and I squirmed under him, he threw his head back and laughed, when his eyes met mine again, his seductive glare tore through me and he began trailing bites and licks and sucks up the length of my leg and thigh. _Oh God_ I thought.

My back arched in anticipation as his painfully slow ascent approached his final destination. His hands grasped my butt as his tongue finally touched the place where I was aching for him most. He teasing circled the bundle of nerves that were begging for him and my hips bucked while I buried my hands in his hair and pressed him closer to me. One of his hands met his tongue and he slipped a finger into my wet folds. My thighs instinctively parted further and as he added another finger. Slowly and firmly he moved his fingers in and out and lapped and sucked gently while a wave of heat that started in my stomach transcended through me like a tidal wave and I gasped for air as I came.

I lay there chest heaving with heavy breaths while he worked his way up peppering kisses on my stomach, my breasts, my neck and finally my mouth. "Welcome home honey," he said hovering above me keeping his weight on his strong arms. "I love you so much Bells".

"Best homecoming. I love you too." And we both smiled into a kiss.

He pressed his lower half into me and he was clearly ready for round two. I looked down between us at his erection and raised my eyebrows. "Wow, that was quick."

"Hazard of being between a beautiful woman's legs, honey," he replied. I reached down and wrapped my hand around him and lifted my knees up by his sides. I placed the tip at my slick center and his breath hitched as he flinched slightly. Then I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him into me, he slowly buried himself inside me, one inch at a time as my hips rose to meet his instinctively.

He lifted himself up on his arms while continuing his taunting pace with his thrusts, his eyes showing me the very depths of his emotion. A hand rose to sweep my hair off my cheek. "Let me look at you," he whispered and his gaze was so loving and familiar that I was home in every way possible. The unspoken love was palpable as we connected in the most vital and fundamental way any two people could. We gave our bodies to each other freely and willingly as an extension of our love and connection.

The familiar fire started flickering pit of my gut and I pushed up against Jake and positioned myself to flip him on his back so I could straddle him. He sat up on the edge of the bad and placed his feet on the floor for leverage. His strong hands held my hips to him like a vice, desperately clutching for as much skin to skin contact as possible. My breasts pressed firmly against his chiseled chest as my hips were grinding against his with growing a fever. Our faces inches from each other, breaths mingling and eyes speaking with no words. I adjusted my position and arched my back so there was pressure exactly where it was needed and I continued to grind my hips harder and faster against him. Frantically grasping onto each other the fire rose through my body scorching my senses, he was everywhere, every fiber of my being was enveloped in Jake and with a few final grinds of my pelvis against his the intense heat swallowed me whole and him right after in an instant.

We held each other just like that, me on his lap and him on the edge of the bed, just us, easy as breathing and effortless. Our fingers entwined of their own accord and he lifted my left hand to his lips. He gently placed a kiss on my ring finger, "I promise you Bells, I will put a ring on this finger soon…" his voice broke slightly, "I want nothing more than to be with my best friend for the rest of our lives."

"Jake…" I began, "I don't need the ring and a wedding, I'm yours already in every way that matters, mind, body and soul. It was always yours, even when I didn't realize it". Our arms wrapped around one another and we lay down and drifted off embraced in each others arms.

Just over a month later it was Christmas. We were hosting at our house and we had Rebecca, Tama and Milly flying in and Rachael and her now husband Logan were also joining us so it was going to be a big family celebration.

Jake was so excited to see Milly, we had visited a handful of times but between lack of time and lack of funds, it was nowhere near enough for him. She was four now and ever the inquisitive child. She loved her uncle Jake so, and he loved her back twice as much, she looked so much like him that I couldn't help but think about what our children would look like. He was so good with her, just a natural and my maternal instinct kicked into overdrive at the sight of him doting on her.

Two days before New Years Eve, Rebecca and I had gone up to Port Angeles for the day. We'd done some shopping and stopped off to have lunch. I hadn't been feeling great and I was run down which I blamed on house guests and Christmas. I was having sharp pains in my stomach which were getting worse and when I excused myself to the ladies I almost passed out when I saw red seeping through my jeans. Rebecca took me to the hospital immediately and after a once over from a doctor and a scan, it turned out I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant. The bout of food poisoning made my taking the pill redundant as I couldn't keep anything down. I never even thought about that.

I was terrified at the news, I felt like I was a child and how would I explain this to my parents. We just moved into our house and there were so many bills to pay and I wanted to finish college and he wanted me to be his wife first before children. We weren't ready but when _is_ it ever the _right time_? The realization that our love could create a life was overwhelming and I was soon craving the vision that flooded my mind, Jake running around the yard with a black haired child while I cooked and looked out the bay window at them in awe surrounded by the swaying willow trees. I wanted it so badly now and yet it was being taken away from me, from us in the very same breath.

The doctor explained what the heavy bleeding most likely signaled, and that these things happen and most of the time the woman never even realizes that she's pregnant, it felt like an outer body experience, I wanted to scream and tell him to shut up. He told me they'd do a scan when the bleeding subsided. How could this be happening? Our future was being stolen from us and there was not a thing I could do. I fought a monster and survived but I could not fight nature. My body was failing me.

I asked Rebecca to call Jake, but I made sure she didn't reveal why I was here. He drove up with Tama so Rebecca could go home with him.

When he arrived, he was frantic, his eyes flooded with fear as he nervously bit his lip. He was at my side smoothing my hair and touching my face. "Bells, honey what is it? What's wrong?" he asked holding my hand tightly in his.

My eyes were red and swollen from crying. I moved our clasped hands to my lower abdomen and lay his hand over it. His eyes followed and remained there as he spoke in a broken whisper "Bells?" He tried to wear a mask of calm but it was crumbling before me.

"Our baby was in there" I told him simply as tears ran down my cheeks.

"Was?" he asked as he processed the weight of my words. His eyes glazed over instantly and his tears spilled.

"I mean _is_ or _was_, they're not sure yet," I attempted to explain, "but the doctor's not too optimistic."

"Oh honey," he lifted up to kiss my forehead and touched his lips to mine still resting the palm of his other hand on my belly in an instinctually protective gesture. "Are you alright, I mean are you in pain?"

I wiped my nose with my hand and shook my head. "They gave me medication." The look on his face registered when he realized I received pain medication, given my history, his concern was warranted. "Jake I'm so sorry." And I cried a river all over again.

"Shh, Bells this is _not_ your fault, don't you _ever_ blame yourself," he comforted.

"Oh God Jake. I didn't know that I wanted this so much until now, and it's being ripped away from me," his sob broke through the silent room. "I wanted to give you this… gift, this baby, after _everything_ we went through, it would be like coming full circle or something." His head lay on my chest now, he was still crying but no sound was coming from him, his head faced away from me, I knew where his gaze lay. "I knew I had too much happiness, more than I deserved."

"How can you say that?" he asked still lying on my chest, I raked my fingernails through his hair in a soothing gesture. "Your happiness is my happiness and we both deserve it."

I kept my hand on his head, he kept his head on my chest and his palm over my stomach and our dreams lay shattered on the sterile floor. A nurse came in and gave me a sedative to get some sleep, I refused but Jake insisted that I rested. She inserted the syringe into the tube attached to my veins and a heaviness washed over me that sent me into oblivion. My pain was diluted with drugs but Jake's pain was raw and he was alone. I instantly regretted accepting the sedative.

When I awoke several hours later, Jake was standing in the doorway speaking with a doctor in hushed tones. My eyes squinted from the light of the lamp beside me, it was dark outside. When they completed their conversation the doctor left and Jake came back to my side.

He looked awful, his usual sunniness dulled by the dark circles under his puffy eyes. "Hey honey," he said as he gently caressed my cheek with the back of his hand, "do you need anything?"

I shook my head, I was more concerned about what the doctor had said. "Was that Dr Epstein?"

"Yes, he said that they'll keep you in overnight and we can go home tomorrow," he explained. "Um, he said you'll get an ultrasound before you get discharged, just to confirm…" He couldn't finish the sentence as a lump rose in his throat. He looked over his shoulder to regain his composure before continuing, "apparently _this_ happens a lot, it doesn't mean that we can't try again soon".

I was drained and devoid of emotion now. "How can I even think about trying again?"

"Oh Bells. I didn't mean right away," he responded firmly squeezing my hand. "When we are ready again, we can talk about it."

I gnawed at my dry lip and I blurted out what was plaguing my mind. "What if I _can't_ have babies? I mean what if my body just doesn't work right?"

He sighed heavily. "Bella, you are everything I've ever wanted."

"What if you decide _I'm_ not _enough_?"

"Honey, I am whole and complete with you. I wouldn't want a child with anyone else and if that's not in our future than so be it." I knew he didn't believe that any more than I did. He was born to be a daddy.

"Have you told anyone else?" I asked

"I told Charlie and my dad, but I didn't tell them why," he clarified. "Let's just get some rest and I'll take you home tomorrow." He lay down next to me in the tiny hospital bed, legs hanging off the end and he wrapped his arms around me tightly enveloping me in his warmth and safety. Nothing could touch me when he was right by my side, but the thought of going back tomorrow to this home which we'd envisioned filled with children one day was excruciating. My dreams taunted me that night with images of what may never be. Children bearing my brown eyes and Jake's black hair and tan skin playing on the shores of First Beach while Jake chased after them.

The next morning I was exhausted from my restless slumber. A nurse came in to remove the canula and drip from my hand and I was able to shower. I felt light headed so Jake joined me in the bathroom to keep an eye on me. The bleeding had stopped completely and as I washed over my abdomen I didn't feel the emptiness I was expecting, my hand glided over the soft soapy skin and I imagined a full blossoming belly in its place and smiled. I glanced over at Jake who was trying to hide his tears from me. I had none left to shed.

I rinsed off and Jake was ready with arms wide open and he draped a towel over me. He lovingly dried me off gently, he knelt down in front of me to dry my legs when his breath became ragged and he placed his forehead against my belly, his lips brushed against me as he spoke softly. "Bells I'm so sorry," and I felt his hot tears spill and trickle down my stomach. I held his head in my hands as I soothed him.

When I was dressed in a new pair of sweat pants Jake had bought for me from a store at the local mall, a nurse came in to lead us to the Ultrasound department. The technician then led us into a small exam room which was dimly lit and I lay on the vinyl bed and lifted my shirt and rolled down the waist of my pants. The technician turned the monitor around so I couldn't see anything, she then squirted the warm gel on my belly and placed the wand to it and pressed around. She poked and prodded around while Jake sat at my side holding my hand.

After a while she told us she was going to call Dr Epstein to come in and she picked up the receiver. The doctor arrived a few minutes later and poked and prodded some more before he spoke.

"Ms Swan," he began turning the monitor back in our direction, "it seems that the bleeding was caused by a sub-chorionic hematoma." Jake and I looked at each other confused, "in basically means there was a blood clot between the placenta and the uterus that was the cause of the bleeding."

Jake swallowed audibly, "go on Dr Epstein."

"Well, I'm happy to say that the embryo seems to be doing fine," he confirmed as he pointed to the tiny jelly bean on the screen. "And see this flickering right here," he pointed to a tiny flutter of movement in the bean, "that is a beating heart of 148 beats per minute."

Jake and I looked at each other and began bawling, he hugged me so tight I almost couldn't breathe. "Oh my gosh," I said "so everything is ok?"

"Well the embryo is normal at this stage but the hematoma puts you in a high risk category so you will need more thorough check ups. But I can't see why you shouldn't go full term with this pregnancy,"

Our little jelly bean had a strong beating heart, just like its daddy's, thumping hard against my cheek where it rested on his chest.

"So an official congratulations is in order Ms Swan, Mr Black."

Jake gave Dr Epstein a firm handshake. "Yhank you doctor." The doctor left and the technician congratulated us and left the room to get some pictures of our jelly bean she was printing.

"Pinch me Jake…" I asked "I must be dreaming."

"God Bells, I was so freakin' scared." He held me tight, "I wasn't sure how we were gonna get through this."

I sighed into his chest and lifted my head. "Take me home please."

"Gladly honey," he replied. "I love you _so_ much Bells. I'm gonna be a _daddy,_" he said in complete awe. "I mean _we're_ going to be a mommy and daddy."

I smiled, elated with joy, "yes we are, and you will be the _best_ daddy ever"

He crouched down and put his lips to my belly. "Hey there jelly bean," he began stroking it lightly with his fingertips, "I'm your daddy," and he looked up at me with a beaming grin spread wide across his beautiful face.

Our Jelly Bean was due on 17th August. I'd hoped for an easy pregnancy after the drama filled start but to no avail. The morning sickness, make that all day long sickness, began almost immediately after the new year. It lasted well into the second trimester, which everyone assured me is when the hormones calm down and the sickness ceases, but that was not the case here. I thanked God every day that our bean was well enough to be making me so sick and I ate and ate nearly everything in sight to curb the ever present nausea. I couldn't stand the smell of coffee and any meat and I devoured salads and fruit, funnily enough.

By the time the nausea wore off twenty weeks into the pregnancy, I was sporting a _huge_ baby bump. I was quietly terrified of the size of this child, with Jake's genetic pool, he was sure to dominate in most attributes of this baby.

By thirty four weeks I felt like a whale, I could no longer fit into my shoes and my uniform was very stretchy pants and t-shirt. At thirty six weeks a scan revealed this baby was already well over eight pounds, I was petrified. How would I get this baby out? I had stacked on over 40 pounds of weight and Jake doted on me to the point of annoyance. He found my swollen state irresistible but the furthest thing from my mind was sex. I'd heard stories from Emily that when she was pregnant with her boys she was an animal on heat and couldn't get enough. Jared's Kim also sang the praises of pregnancy lovemaking but I cringed at the thought.

At thirty eight weeks I was ready to explode, the doctor suggested some good old fashioned love making to speed things along. Apparently 'baby batter', as Jake so lovingly referred to semen as, acts like a ripening agent for the cervix. I'd tried all the other things like walking, spicy food, bouncy car rides and more but nothing. So I gave in and had the most awkward sex of my life not to mention painful. But he deposited his 'baby batter' and I lay there willing it to work its magic.

At thirty eight weeks and four days I had some pains all day but I encouraged Jake to go to work, he was only minutes away if necessary. Sue was over helping with some last minute washing of baby clothes. The nursery was ready, a beautiful crib that had been Jake's as a baby sat in the corner of the lemon colored room that was decorated in a simple tree motif with birds adorning the walls. A beautiful blanket draped over the crib, hand knitted by Jake's late mother Sarah. And the wardrobe was full of neutral colored clothing sent from Alice and the Cullen's and Renee.

I walked around our porch rubbing my lower belly, soothing the tightenings away while breathing deeply, admiring the willow trees and letting my surroundings calm me. I kept wondering if this was one of the many false alarms you hear about with pregnant women. I know Emily made three trips to the hospital only to be sent back home. Surely even if this was a false alarm it meant our jelly bean was getting close.

The pain was getting worse and harder to deal with and I finally caved and asked Sue to call Jake to come home. Relief flooded through me as soon as he took my hand and he rubbed my back and helped with calm breaths. Two hot showers later I was in agony and felt like I was going to explode so we made our way to the hospital. The doctor confirmed this _was_ the real thing and I was very near ready to push. I think I would have kicked him in the face if he had told me it was a false alarm, I didn't think I could handle any more pain than this.

The next few hours in the hospital were a blur of Jake's soothing words of encouragement, Charlie's brief visit, nurses darting in and out and the sweet gas, oh I sucked on that thing like my life depended on it. I felt semiconscious with exhaustion when I was told it was finally time to push. Jake anchored me to reality just enough to get through it and bring our baby into this world. It was a team effort in every sense. He encouraged and cheered me on even after my foul mouthed outburst blaming him for this agonizing state.

Finally after an hour and twelve minutes of pushing our beautiful baby girl was gingerly lifted out by her fathers strong hands and placed right on my chest, she nestled perfectly between my breasts and instinctively pecked at me searching for nourishment.

The love that filled the room was so profound that we sat in silence for what seemed like the longest time. "Happy birthday baby girl" Jake whispered as he kissed the top of her head and then my lips. He cried silently and I along with him. Tears of pure joy washed over our faces as our little angel opened her eyes to look at us. "I am so in love with you honey, and our little girl," his sighed with genuine contentment. "I'm so complete, there's nothing more I need. This is perfect right here."

The doctor discreetly slipped away after he finished working on me and we were left alone under the magic spell of our jellybean. We counted her fingers and toes and traced the outline of her perfect little cupid's bow mouth. She had a dark mop of black hair and huge brown eyes. Our family bonding was cut short with necessities like weighing and measuring, our not so little jellybean weighed in at just shy of nine pounds.

Eager grampa's were ready to meet their granddaughter and they bawled. They actually high fived each other and we laughed, they were clearly as mesmerized by this little bundle as we were. Charlie was beaming with pride as he held her in his shaky arms.

"Your mom's on her way Bells," he said.

"Oh of course, does she know it's a girl?" I asked.

"No, she hopped on a plane before she was born, she'll be here soon." He couldn't keep his eyes off of her, "have you guys decided on a name?"

"Charlie, you mean you don't like Jelly Bean?" Jake asked comically.

"We have," I told him swatting at Jake's arm, "her name is Kai Hope Black"

Billy smiled knowingly while Jake explained, "Kai means willow tree in Native American."

Charlie's eyes teared over, "that's just perfect," he sniffed. "So when is Kai getting a brother or sister?"

We all laughed hysterically as Kai squirmed in his arms. He reluctantly handed her over into her daddy's capable hands where Jake nestled her right into the crook of his arm. Charlie and Billy left us in private while they ventured out to the cafeteria.

"She is so tiny," Jake mused.

"Um, I can promise you she didn't feel that way to me on the way out," I corrected.

He sat on the edge of the bed and held my hand to his lips. "This is the best day of my entire life, everything is right with the world Bells. It's utterly perfect".

I kissed his lips. It was absolutely perfect.

_The end…_

**A/N – so there you have it amigos… please share your thoughts. If you love me… won't you let me know (thank you Coldplay for those inspiring words) But if you hate me – keep it to yourself… I kid, I kid! let me know that too.**

**Put me on alert if you just have to have more of me! Also on Jacob Black 'n' Pack and Twitter (check profile) **

**Peace out!**


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